Visions Of E3 2009

In the time of my youth, one night, while I was sleeping, a man appeared in my room bathed in a golden light. At first, I thought he was just some strange man standing under a flood light. Then he revealed to me he was an angel sent by God to instill in me a message to spread to the world. At that point I knew I was in mortal danger.

Mere seconds before my father came storming in to kick his creepy ass out, the "angel" told me of a collection of golden plates buried in the ground that I could dig up and use to save the world. I in no way believed him, but I was bored one day so I went and looked for these golden plated. To my surprise, I actually found these golden plates, along with some gay porn and a bottle of lube.

These golden plated contained a dairy, my dairy. A dairy that stretches far into the future. One of the stories on these plates was a tale of myself going to E3 2009. Here now is what was written on the plates.


I received a package about three days before E3. It contained an invitation and my credentials to E3 2009. I had never been to any E3 and really I had no right to go. After all, all I do is write half-assed fake news on my piece of shit blog. However, I'm not one to pass up free shit, which is why my back yard is full of horse manure.

I made travel and work arrangements, caught a flight, and arrived in LA the day before the Electronic Entertainment Expo. I got a full nights sleep, a good breakfast, and made my way to the Convention Center for the annual video game event that defined annual video game events.

I was able to find parking quite easily, which wasn't shocking since there was no traffic and no people to be found around the Convention Center. I was expecting to fight through the crowd to even enter the building, but I entered without even having to interact in anyway with anyone. I walked on to the show floor and saw that there was not a soul in sight. All the booths were set up as the regularly are and looked ready for human consumption, but no one was there to consume.

A cold breeze blew through the air as I silently walked around. I peered inside booths from Microsoft, Nintendo, Sony, Konami and Square, among others. All were abandoned. I was making my way over to Capcom's booth to check out Dead Rising 2 when I accidentally crushed a plastic cup under my foot. That sound echoed throughout the entire show floor. Then I heard another sound.

I could not identify the sound, however I knew it was getting slowly louder. Then off in the distance, I saw them. They were deformed in the way that zombies are, but I could still recognize them. Kaz Hirai, Reggie Fils-Aime, Major Nelson, and other major figures in the gaming industry slowly and listlessly walking around the show floor.

When I spotted the wandering mass I froze, hoping that they hadn't noticed me. Then one of them turned toward me. I recognized her as Jade Raymond. Our eyes met, my heart stopped cold, and then she started howling. "Gamer!!!" At this sound, all at once, the wandering herd paused and turned toward me. They then started running in my direction. A ravenous mass of deformed gaming executives were coming intent on consuming me whole. It was then I started to run.

Running is not an activity I engage in often and it shows as the distance between myself and the well dressed blood thirsty mob quickly shrunk. I frantically searched for some shelter to protect myself. Alas, I found none that I felt were sufficient. Then I found my last shimmering ray of hope, the Men's Bathroom.

I ran into my perceived sanctuary and quickly locked the door behind me. The relentless mob rapping on the bathroom door chilled me to my core. I took shelter in one of the stalls and quickly got reacquainted with the god I had forsaken long ago. The door did not hold and the mob streamed in. They plucked me from my fort of last resort, this despite my constant cries of "Occupied! Occupied! Occupied!"

I awoke three days later with no knowledge of how I had spent that time. I awoke lying in the center of the now empty convention floor. I did not awaken naked like I no most mornings, in fact it was much the opposite. I was so laden with swag I could not lift myself up. T-Shirts, hats, lanyards, buttons, rings, necklaces, scarfs, watches, and that was just the beginning. I removed my anchors form the gaming world, made my way to the airport and left the city of angels with no intent on returning.

On my flight home I turned a question over in my mind. Whose doing was this? Who sent me the credentials? Who supplied the invitation? Who set up the trap that I was more than willing to spring? When I arrived at my only true sanctuary, I searched through my things and found the parcel that nearly lead to my doom. I looked at the return address, all it said was "C.A.G.".