Nearly A Thousand Headcrabs Released In Rural Neighborhood

Residents of St Austell had a good excuse to leave church early on Saturday. Church goers were aroused from the pulpit to go out and catch a number of headcrabs released from a local headcrab farm.

Vandals released nearly a thousand headcrab Sunday from a farm that specializes in raising headcrabs for clothing and accessory purposes. These were released by the recognized terrorist organization Alien Liberation Front or ALF. Most of the headcrab were caught and returned to the farm unharmed, however about 10% were found dead. Most of the dead headcrabs were either smashed with crowbars or attached to dumb people.

Residents in St Austell said this was quite a scene. Dahlia Malloy said, "The Bishop told us to go home and help round up these creatures. When I got home, I saw one on my porch. I was like "Ahhh! Don't infect me with your alien, homosexual thoughts!" One boy, described as retarded, said, "I saw one in my yard and I said, "Look an otter." I thought it was an otter."

A representative from the Fur Commision United Kingdom (FCUK) released a statement today. "These actions taken by this terrorist organization do nothing but harm the animals they mean to "liberate". These animals can't even survive out of their pens. The FCUK fervently condemns the actions taken by the ALF. Are you laughing? What are you laughing about? The FCUK takes this very seriously!"

Officials are investigating who from the ALF was responsible for this headcrab release. Police have issued warrants for ALF members Tom Patchett, Paul Fusco and Gordon Shumway. Police are also asking for the public's help in identifying the person featured in this video.