I Have Cheated On My Beloved

A couple of years ago someone special came into my life. My life has been unquestionably enhanced since then. I've gone to more restaurants, concerts, and other events in my community. I've become a more open, happier and all around more complete person. All thanks to my beloved Malibu.

Unfortunately this week an accident befell my beloved Malibu. It was completely my fault. I was being careless, reckless, and other forms of stupid. My beloved was not damaged much, but she did have to go in for some work on her sweet luscious body. While she was getting this work done, I was introduced to someone else. Someone who I found quite intriguing. Someone named Ognarud

When I was first introduced to Ognarud I was skeptical because of her size. When I first saw her I openly said, "Damn she's big." We were left alone for a while. I got to know her, she got to know me. She introduced me to her friends Howard, Robin, and Artie. The more I got to know about Ognarud, the more I liked her.

Finally, after much preparation and anxiety, Ognarud and I went for a "ride". It was one of the best "rides" I've ever had. Ognarud's size greatly contributed to my comfort, and eventually my bliss. Ognarud's "riding" style was warm, smooth, and comfortable like no other "ride" before. After the first "ride" Ognarud and I had, I was craving more and more. I was even willing, if not eager, to include Howard and Robin in our "rides". However, I quickly tired of her friend Artie, drug addicts don't agree with me much.

Then I received a call from my beloved Malibu and a flood of guilt came over me. This was not just because I had been cheating on my beloved Malibu, but because I had let a call from my beloved go to voicemail. My beloved had called to tell me that she was fine and her body work would be done by Monday. That's when I knew my tryst was coming to an end.

I will always remember Ognarud and the great times we had together. I look forward to meeting her again, and the many "rides" we will have until I am reunited with my beloved. Who knows, maybe someday Malibu will fall away from my life. This would open the way for Ognarud to be fully and truly integrated into my life. Oh how I will always crave the smooth "ride" of Ognarud.

... and now I care

First they came...



First they passed the federal Definition of Marriage Act, and I did not care because the federal government does a lot of weird things.

Then they passed similar laws in the deep South, and I did not care because the South is crazy.

Then they passed Amendment 3 in Utah, and I did not care because Utah rarely matters.

Then they passed Proposition 8 in California, and I ask myself why I did not care before.

WWE Smackdown Vs Raw 2009 Review

There's a certain kind of person that exists in this world. Sometimes we're aware of him, sometimes we know him, sometimes we are him. That kind of person who when you first meet him is an absolute bore. Nothing intriguing, a bit abrasive, purposely hard to get to know, generally repulsive. However, if you spend some time with this person, get him to open up a little bit, their true self can be revealed. With a little effort, a person like this can be found to be a deep, loyal, and truly gratifying friend.

All of the attributes that I just mentioned can be said of THQ's latest release, WWE Smackdown Vs. Raw 2009. I'll admit it, my first impressions of this game were not positive. I didn't see much of this game outside of being a roster update. However, the more I played it, the more I saw, and the more I liked.

One of the many things I really like about this game is the single player experience. For a couple of years, I've been asking them to do exactly what they did this year. Rather than raving one story driven career mode, they split it up into a career mode and a separate story mode dubbed "Road to Wrestlemania". The Road to Wrestlemania mode contains story lines seemingly inspired by some of the most deep and compelling story arcs in the history of the WWE. Meanwhile, the career mode allows you to take any wrestler you want, even ones of your own creation, and collect every scrap of gold in the WWE.

Throw in create a finisher, Highlight Reel, and the infamous Inferno match, and what you have with WWE Smackdown Vs. Raw 2009 is a game you can continue to play all year long. All you have to do is give it some time, sink your teeth in, and let the game's greatness reveal itself.

WWE Smackdown Vs. Raw 2009: A-

July 7 Now Declared 1337 Day

With the start this week of the lame duck session of congress, there has been talk of the people who represent us really getting down to some good substantive work. However on Wednesday that was proven to be false. Signed into law on Friday was US Federal Act 801-359-9696 making July 7th 1337 Day, or Leet Day.

Leet Day is a day set aside to celebrate all things geek. These things include video games, computers, live action role playing, and really hot anime women. Leet Day came to be in much the same way Valentines Day, Love Day, and Halliburton is Awesome Day did, lots of corporate money. This legislation's sponsors, Harry Reed, Orrin Hatch, and Jim Matheson, all recieved huge contributions from such companies as Microsoft, Electronic Arts, and Activision Blizzard. Gamecock did try to contribute to political campaigns, but were rejected because their name contains the word "cock".

As with anything else involving video games, the Christian Right has reacted to this in a rage. Somehow relevant evangelist Pat Robertson said, "First the liberals execute a hostile takeover of Washington, D.C., then they sign this uproarious legislation, what's next? World Satanist Day sponsored by the UN? Complete civil right for Atheists? Agnowledgement that gays exist!?!"


Family Video Game Advisory Corporation spokesman Ned Flanders said, "The Satanist have taken over. I'm going home to protect my family from the upcoming mandatory liberal sponsored child sex bus. Why has God forsaken us?"


And, of course, Jack Thompson had something to say. However, the only people around to take down what he said was his fifteen cats, his long suffering wife, and the one guy left who totally believes everything he says.

Leet Day coming July 7th to be celebrated at the 15,796,784 Gamestop locations across the country, including the nine within driving distance of your parent's basement.

Is Miyamoto Overprotective?

With it's release last month, Wii Music has been referred to as "Miyamoto's Baby". That turns out to be more of a factual statement than a joke. Today it was revealed that when the first reviews for Wii Music started rolling in, Shigeru Miyamoto reacted like a mother whose newborn child has been criticized, with vitriolic hatred.

Last month a review penned by Redertainment writer Thomas Anderson, called Wii Music "a simplified and shallow game with childish graphics, patronizing music, and downright dumb gameplay." Mr. Anderson ended his review by saying, "I would never wish this game on anybody. F-"

When this review reached him, Mr. Miyamoto said, "How can he say something like that? Doesn't he see the bright ray of sunshine my latest release is!?!" He went on to say, "I bet he's just jealous that I have people who are willing to help me release things and he doesn't. If he had his own game, I bet he'd change his tune!"

Thomas Anderson stands behind his review of Wii Music. He said, "I've had to deal with a lot of crap lately. Between the fake news story, cybernetic parasites, and meetings with dudes in full suits and sunglasses, I don't need anymore of this!" Mr. Anderson then took some red pill, picked up the phone, and mysteriously disappeared.

Like many other games, blurbs from reviews of Wii Music are expected to be printed on the package of the game. However, unlike other games, only reviews from people who have brought wonder bundles of digital entertainment into this world are to be featured. These people include Hideo Kojima, Jade Raymond, and the notorious game making cannon Peter Molyneux.

Detachable Playstation Controller A Hoax

This week, a story broke about a detachable Playstation controller, with great detail given as to how this controller would work. From the moment this story hit online people were openly skeptical about it. Dead Pixel Live co-host Alphabox openly said on last Thursday's episode, "This story is fake." As it turns out, they are right.

The man responsible for this hoax is writer Thomas Anderson, an employee of the Redertainment Corporation Of America. R.C.O.A. President Seifer Kinneas acknowledged this in a statement earlier today. He said, "We here at the Redertainment Corporation Of America are embarrassed by the actions of one of our young employees. The Redertainment Corporation Of America wholeheartedly apologizes for this and are working to ensure that this never happens again." This is not the first time that my fellow employee has tried something like this. Mr. Anderson is responsible for such stories as "Valiant Soldier", "Is The Club A Recruitment Tool?", and "Sarah Palin: Certified Hypnotist".

When I asked him about this, Thomas Anderson has the following to say. "I was just sitting in the offices with a deadline looming and no idea how to fulfill my commitments. Like I do when I'm stressed, I started doodling. That day I was doodling my vision of the dildo of the future when Mr. Kinneas came around and asked me what I was doing. So I lied. I said I was drawing a new design for a detachable Playstation controller. Mr. Kinneas said he was pleased by this and wanted to see me develop it. I then proceeded to pull a story out of my ass."

It is unknown what kind of consequences will fall down on Thomas Anderson, that decision is expected to be made this week. It is known that Thomas has been asked by several people to produce the dildo he designed. These people include Mr. Kinneas' wife Crystal Motoko, my girlfriend Evey Hammond, and former DPL host Raven Fraiser.