****- Reviewing Zombified Obstacles

Borderlands Review

Of all the games I’ve played this year, my favorite is Fallout 3. The first person action, the heavy RPG elements, the blues and jazz music played throughout, there are many things about Fallout 3 that just sucked me in. The aspect I liked most about Fallout 3 is the personality. The main driving plot, the differing cities you can visit, the rich conversations you can have with the NPCs, all of it just gave a depth and warmth to this world that is rarely seen in many other games. Maybe it’s the intellectual in me talking here but I appreciate games with a deep rich narrative.

Borderlands reminds me a lot of Fallout 3 if they stripped all of the personality out of that game. That’s not to say it’s a bad game. The inclusion of multiplayer in Borderlands is something that I was craving while I was playing Fallout 3. Watching a character easily thirty levels higher than you are steamroll through the environment while amazing that player with your ability to set enemies on fire with your sniper rifle is one of those gaming memories I hope to hold on to forever.

The weaponry in Borderlands is also more cartoonish in a good way. Grenades that deliver an electrical shock upon exploding, caustic revolvers that shoot man consuming acid, and sniper rifles that set people on fire are just a small sampling of the great bounty of weapons you can use to slaughter the denizens of the Borderlands. Sure none of it is at all realistic but if you want realism get a real gun and shoot real people. (Please note: Hunter Red does not advocate shooting people, it was merely a joke. :) )

Borderlands is a great game, one of my favorite to be put on the 360 this year. However, put it up against Fallout 3 and its flaws become fairly evident. Then again, given my opinion of Fallout 3, I could say that about any title. Borderlands is like Left 4 Dead in a way. I can go in, indiscriminately tear shit up, and then go about my day. Borderlands is a game I’ll be holding on to and pop in any time I want to set animals on fire. (Please note: Hunter Red does not, repeat NOT, advocate setting animals on fire.)

Borderlands: B-



Hunter Red: Poet
Emo’s Diner
By Hunter Red

I see a guy across the way
Who looks very much like me
But he is different in one key way
He is truly, deeply happy

The both of us order the same meal
Pancakes made in a homestyle way
I try to watch him but can’t, you see
There’s an obstruction in the way

We each go over our days
Work, school, TV
His overview takes longer, though
Not for increased quantity

I turn up my metal while I wait for my order
Mine takes one song
The order from across the way takes longer
His takes three songs

I tear into my pancakes
And eat them slowly
It’s not that I’m not hungry
No one’s home waiting for me

The waitress comes by to refill our drinks
I get a Coke
The guy across the way gets a Sprite
And a Cherry Coke

I eat my meal in silence
The other guy does not
The other patrons think I’m unusual
The other guy they care not

They guy across the way gets up to leave
The obstruction does us well
It’s hard not to look at the obstruction
As she looks so well

I see a guy across the way
Who looks a lot like me
The difference, he has her
I have only me



Borderlands: The Zombie Island Of Dr. Ned Review

Remember the review of Borderlands I just did? (If not, go to the doctor and get your memory checked.) Remember the general complaint I had about Borderlands having no personality? Guess what? Borderlands: The Zombie Island Of Dr. Ned accomplishes something I thought was impossible. This DLC has less personality than Borderlands. Yes, less than zero.

In the original game, when you encounter an enemy they will hoot and holler and scream about how they’re going to kill you. Also the enemies tend to come out of logical locations and there are a limited number of them. The enemies do respawn but it generally take some time to do so. This is changed in The Zombie Island Of Dr. Ned.

First of all, all of the humanoid enemies from Borderlands are replaced with zombies. Many different kind of zombies but most are slow, dumb, and relentless, even in the face of physical obstacles. The result of this is a class of enemy that is really, really, boring. Also these enemies can spawn from anywhere at anytime in a seemingly unlimited amount. So throughout The Zombie Island Of Dr. Ned you have to deal with an unpredictable, unrelenting, and uninteresting enemy. This kind of enemy would make any game suffer and it does exactly that to Borderlands: The Zombie Island Of Dr. Ned.

Remember the end of my Borderlands review where I mentioned Left 4 Dead? I didn’t do that intentionally, I wrote the first review without even knowing what the DLC was, but now it seems fitting that I did. The zombies in Left 4 Dead made that game interesting, the zombies in Borderlands: The Zombie Island Of Dr. Ned have the opposite effect, and the grade that I dive this DLC reflects that.

Borderlands: The Zombie Island Of Dr. Ned: C



The RCOA Official 2009 New Year’s Eve Toast
(Lift your glass with a drink in it into the air)
To 2009,
Goodbye, and GOOD RIDDANCE!
(Drink your drink then smash the glass on the ground)

Andy Samberg - I Threw it On The Ground - watch more funny videos

L

****- Red Interviews Submerged Douchebags

The Red Interview- Dr. James Ulrich

Hunter- Good evening and welcome to The Red Interview. I am your host Hunter Red. This week on The Red Interview we are pleased to welcome Dr. James Ulrich. Dr. Ulrich is a physician at the Kinneas Orthopedic Center and is a specialist in knee, hip, and foot joint related issues. Dr. Ulrich, thanks for coming here today.
James- It is my pleasure.
Hunter- In 2008, shortly after his win at the US Open, famed golfer Tiger Woods underwent surgery to deal with a fractured leg and a number of different issues involving his knee. At the time of the surgery the need for such an operation was attributed to years of stress related to playing golf. Recently it has come to light that Mr. Woods has had a great deal of sexual relationships with many various persons other than his wife, Elen. Dr. Ulrich, do you feel Tiger Woods knee would have held out longer into his career if he hadn’t been screwing a ton of women across the world?
James- There are two variables at play when addressing that question. The first is-
Hunter- Wait, wait, wait. You are seriously going to answer that question?
James- Are you seriously asking me that question?
Hunter- Yes, but I expected you, upon hearing that question, to storm out in disgust.
James- Mr. Red, you asked me here to give my professional opinion about a topic and I am ready to give that opinion.
Hunter- Allright.
James- Also you are paying me.
Hunter- Okay, gotcha. Please go on.
James- Like I was saying, there are two variables at play when addressing that question. The first is frequency, how often Mr. Woods was engaging in sexual activity. We can’t answer that question to a certainty, but given his high amount of mistresses and report that one of his mistresses may be a Madame in the world of prostitution, I would say the frequency of sexual activity would be high.
Hunter- How high?
James- Anywhere from weekly to bi-weekly.
Hunter- That is high.
James- For a married man, yes, but compared to the average single person, that rate is low by comparison.
Hunter- So frequency is one of the variables. What is the other one?
James- The other is which position Mr. Woods utilizes when he engages in sexual activity. Again, we don’t know this for a certainty, but depending on which position one uses when engaging in sexual intercourse, the pressure and stress exerted on the hips, knees, and foot joint can vary widely.
Hunter- Can you give me some examples?
James- Certainly. When utilizing the missionary position, depending on the source of the power in the thrusting motions and how he braces himself, a lot of pressure can be put on the knees of the man. By comparison, the cowgirl or the reverse cowgirl puts little to no stress on the knee joints but does put quite a bit of strain on the joints in the hips and lower back. Finally, if Mr. Woods was standing while he was engaging in sexual relations, stress would have been put on the hips, knees, and foot joints. Just how much stress depends on the power Tiger puts into his thrusting motions, plus the weight of Mr. Woods and whichever of his many mistresses he was engaging in sexual relations with at the time.
Hunter- Wow, Dr. Ulrich, you seem to know a lot about the impact that sex has on the joints.
James- I wrote my doctoral thesis on that subject.
Hunter- Are there any other variables that may have had an impact on how long Timer Woods’s knees would have held out before needing surgery.
James- Yes, duration. The length of time it would have taken for Mr. Woods to achieve sexual gratification would have impacted the amount of stress that would have been inflicted on Mr. Woods’s joints.
Hunter- How so?
James- With most men, the more frequently they achieve sexual gratification, the longer it takes them to achieve that gratification. However, if a man is stuck with the unfortunate malady that is premature ejaculation, the stress that comes through sexual intercourse is greatly reduced.
Hunter- Almost zero.
James- Yes.
Hunter- So Mr. Woods’s sexual escapades could have had a tremendous impact on the health of his knees.
James- I can’t say that for a certainty, as detailed knowledge of Mr. Woods’s sexual history is not available to me. This is the way it should be seeing as this is a private matter and I am not Mr. Woods’s personal physician. However, all signs that have been revealed in the past couple of weeks points to yes.
Hunter- Well, thank you Dr. Ulrich for your time. That appears to be all the time we have for The Red Interview for this week. Thanks to Dr. James Ulrich for his insight into this matter and for sitting through this entire interview. I am Hunter Red reminding you that there are no angels, just people who are into religious role play. See you next time.



News From 2021

Atlantis is an undersea city that is the stuff of legend. Many treasures hunters and adventures have searched for this city in vain. Now one country is set to make the city of Atlantis a reality. That country is Vanuatu.

Vanuatu is a small island located in the South Pacific Ocean. The population of Vanuatu has been dwindling in recent years due to the steadily rising Pacific Ocean. Those left living in Vanuatu dwell in air tight structures specially designed to survive being submerged in salt water. However many industries have left Vanuatu as its total population no longer can support an active workforce. Now the president of Vanuatu has taken a bold step to save his poor, water logged, formerly island paradise.

President Steven Gnasu has announced a plan to draw tourists to his undersea country. Pres. Gnasu announced Vanuatu is to completely change itself to mirror the mythical city of Atlantis. This includes changing the name, flag, and many of the countries structures to appear to be from that mythical realm. Said Pres. Gnasu of this move, “The world squandered an opportunity to save our island country by capping carbon emissions and stopping the rise of the world’s oceans in the early years of this century. I will not let another opportunity to save Vanuatu pass us by. I’d have preferred this day not come but we aren’t going to make anything better by standing around and talking.”

The move to change Vanuatu to Atlantis is expected to take place after the tallest building in Vanuatu, the People’s Bank of Vanuatu building, is completely submerged. Vanuatu’s move effectively ends similar moves being rumored to take place in Guam, Samoa, and the US state of Hawaii.



VGA/MTV WTF?

At the 2009 Spike Video Game Awards many questions were answered. However, one question that arose during the event has yet to be addressed: Why the fuck was the cast of Jersey Shore there?

Jersey Shore is a show on MTV that follows the lives of a collection of douchebags and douchebaggets as they live their douchebag lives in the east coast Mecca of douchebaggery, the Jersey Shore. Jersey Shore became popular after being featured on E’s The Soup and after Domino’s Pizza pulled their advertising from the show. None of what I just stated explains what the fuck these people were doing at the VGAs.

Viacom is a media company that owns a great many things. Viacom is responsible for inflicting upon the world The Hills, Mind Of Mencia, and Jersey Shore. Viacom also owns Spike TV, Gametrailers.com, and the Spike Video Game Awards. So there is a connection between Jersey Shore and the VGAs. However, none of that explains what the fuck these people were doing at the VGAs.

President of MTV Networks Roger Sterling said of Jersey Shore, “We learned from Spencer Pratt of The Hills that douchebags draw viewers big time. So it’s only natural that we create a show where all the characters are douchebags.” When asked why the cast of Jersey Shore was on the Spike Video Game Awards, Roger Sterling said, “I needed to give them something to do. I was tired of them calling my office asking if I wanted to workout.”

So there you have it, a reason why the cast of Jersey Shore was at the VGAs: They were annoying Roger Sterling. The 2009 Spike Video Game Awards were a great event, save one black mark that Mike Tyson could have easily knocked into oblivion. And by oblivion I don’t mean Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion, I mean a dark desolate place where no one can get out of, also known as Michael Jackson’s Play Room.

****- Kaput Christmas Puppy Alcohol

Another Perm Goes Bad

Early in the morning of December 5th, a fire broke out at a nightclub in Perm, Russia, taking the lives of 112 people. Officials blame this fire on a fireworks display set off during a performance shot into the decorative twig ceiling of the Lame Horse club.

When reached for comment on this story, Great White lead vocalist Jack Russell said, “Why the fuck did you contact me about this story?”



(Insert Obvious Joke Here)

This week over two hundred tons of meat were recalled by Meat Packers Inc. over concerns about the meat being tainted with salmonella. This follows a similar move last month by Fudge Packers Inc. Fudge Packers Inc. recalled approximately two hundred tons of Fudge Packers brand fudge over concerns about the packages of Fudge Packers brand fudge being packed too tightly.

In a statement, Fudge Packers Inc. President Chester Hardbody, pictured above, said, “For a long time we’ve been concerned about the possibility of our Fudge Packers brand fudge being packed too tightly. Now our concerns have come to a head. We apologize profusely to anyone who consumed our Fudge Packers Inc. Fudge Packers brand fudge.”



Read Articles COMPLETELY

A Grinch's Gift Guide

This is an article that went up on Yahoo on December 1st. Almost instantly thereafter video game nerds started to complain about this article. Reactions were generally “PS3 Hater!”, “This guy is clearly an Xbox Fanbitch”, and other statements that gave the impression that conveyed they thought they were being persecuted. However, none of the reactions dealt with the actual point the writer was trying to make.

If the gamers had bothered to read PAST THE FIRST PARAGRAPH they would have seen the writer was complaining about exorbitant repair bills. Anne Kadet points out that, unlike the Xbox 360 and Wii, if the rechargeable battery in the Playstation 3 controller goes kaput you can’t just replace the battery, you have to replace the entire controller. What Anne brings up is a valid point and one that would have gotten through to gamers if they had bothered to read the ENTIRE ARTICLE!

I will, however, disagree with Miss Kadet that the PS3 has the most exorbitant repair bills. Yes, replacing the entire controller on the PS3 if the battery goes kaput is a pain, but I venture to guess the average 360 consumer has experienced the Red Rings Of Death more than the average PS3 owner has had to replace the controller. For me it’s one to zero.




Aqua Teen Hunger Force Christmas Album Review

Aqua Teen Hunger Force is a show on Cartoon Network that makes absolutely no sense… unless you are high, and even then it makes no sense. So I felt it appropriate to do two reviews of the new ATHF Christmas CD, one while sober and one while high. Here we go.

Sober Review

Okay, this sucks. Even as a joke Christmas CD this sucks. The Christmas CD that Stephen Colbert put out last year, A Colbert Christmas: The Greatest Gift Of All!!!, is vastly superior than this. Hell, I’d rather listen to those tone-deaf Mormon kids butcher holiday classics than listen to this again. At least with the kids I can get a reaction to my calls for Freebird.

High Review

What the hell! I though pot was supposed to make everything good. I mean that’s what it did with Leprechaun 2, that damn Steven Segal CD, Extraordinary Chickens, and all the other shit Conan O’Brien’s been plugging lately. This Aqua Teen Hunger Force Christmas Album still sucks. I’m not even finding Carl’s really blatant masturbation jokes funny and that’s one of my favorite things to do while high.

Aqua Teen Hunger Force- Have Yourself A Meaty Little Christmas: D-



Red Taunts

This Monday, December 14th, is projected to be the highest volume day of the year for the United States Postal Service. Over 184.5 Million (estimated) pieces of mail are expected to be handled by the post office on this day alone. Postal employees working on this day can expect at minimum a ten hour day that is frantic, pressured, and demanding to say the least. And, for the third year in a row, I will not be participating in this day.

This is because, as a career employee at the United States Postal Service, I get guaranteed weekends off and Mondays, including Monday December 14th, are a part of my weekend. This means on the single busiest day my employee experiences each year I will be doing what I usually do on Mondays, getting tanked and watching wrestling.

I love my job. Also, submissions for the Second Annual Four Star Gaming Awards are due on Tuesday. Submit who you think should win in any of the following catagories.
Game of the Year
360 Game of the Year
PS3 Game of the Year
Wii Game of the Year
Downloadable Game of the Year
Gaming Disappointment of the Year
Non-Gaming Thing Most Deserving of an Award

Do it or I will kill this puppy.

****- I Have No Good Name For This

No!

Recently the US Senate voted to go ahead with formal debate over the controversial overhaul of the healthcare industry in the United States. Debate over this bill has been going on for months in Town Hall meetings, political talk shows, and at family gatherings across the country. Rep. Rob Bishop (R-UT) has referred to this debate as “The greatest in American history”. Some have already compared this debate to the debate over the oral consumption of Brassica Oleracea. Here is a short transcript of that debate.

John- Timmy, are you feeling okay?
Timmy- Yes.
John- Okay. Are you done with dinner?
Timmy- Yes, can I have dessert now, please?
John- Have you finished your brussel sprouts?
Timmy- No.
John- Well then you haven’t finished your dinner and so can’t have dessert.
Timmy- But I want dessert.
John- Then finish your brussel sprouts.
Timmy- No.
John- Then you can’t have dessert.
Timmy- No.
John- Timothy, that is the rule. If you don’t finish your dinner-
Timmy- No.
John- -then you can’t have any dessert.
Timmy- No.
John- That’s the rule and if you don’t follow the rule, you can go to your room young man.
Timmy- You’re a fascist.
John- Timothy, that is a very hurtful thing to say to someone, and is, in all likelihood not true. Now, you can either finish your brussel sprouts-
Timmy- No.
John- -and then have dessert or not finish your brussel sprouts and go to bed.
Timmy- No.
John- Those are the choices you have.
Timmy- No!

This debate has no real conclusion and continued on in this fashion for several more hours. The reason there was no real conclusion was because of Timmy’s stubborn and illogical resistance and John’s lack of a spine and testicles. I leave any connections between the Brassica Oleracea debate and the current health care debate to be made by the reader.




God Damn It, He Stole My Idea!

About a year ago, a certain media project was released upon the world. This media project was met with general praise from fans of the source material but indifference from those who are unfamiliar with history of the central focus of this media project. I speak, of course, of Funcom’s Conan MMORPG, based on Conan O’Brien, host of The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien.

To coincide with the holiday push, Funcom has announced an expansion pack and a patch for the Conan MMORPG. One of the features included in this expansion caught my interest. Included in the expansion pack entitled “The Expanding Ginger Empire” is a player ability called “Telestealing”.

What is telestealing? Funcom’s Community Manager Pierre Bernard, pictured above, answered this question in an interview for The Four Stars Blog. “Telestealing is the action of using supernatural abilities, in the case of this game magic, to steal ideas from other users. Are there any other dumb questions you have for me?”

It is unknown at this time how exactly telestealing will be utilized in the Conan MMORPG or even how this game mechanic will work. An examply of this feature in action may be the following video.







No DPL, Thank You

Have you ever been in an environment with a thousand people typing? No one is talking, no music is piped in, an occasional beep or cough is heard, but other than that nothing but the sound of a thousand people endlessly on computer keyboards for hours on end. If you were ever in an environment such as this you would be grateful to something, anything, that distracted you from it. I am aware of just such an environment, greatly aware.

I work at the United States Postal Service’s Salt Lake City Remote Encoding Center. In this facility over one thousand employees key in all the information needed to send a piece of mail unreadable by the automated sorting machines to where it needs to go. It’s a great job, especially after I was made a career employee in 2006, however the workfloor itself is not an inviting environment. A dull environment that is quiet except for the endless crunch of computer keyboards is one that would drive anybody stir crazy. To prevent this from happening to me, I listen to several podcasts to keep my mind activated. However there is one podcast that stands tall among them.

Dead Pixel Live. Two hours a day, four days a week of talk, not just about video games, but also what gamers are talking about. This includes work, movies, alcoholic beverages, and devices that provide sexual pleasure. Dead Pixel Live not only keeps my mind active, it also entertains, cheers up, and generally keep my mind moving forward. That is until December 2nd, 2009. On that date, DerrickH, co-host of DPL, abruptly announced the end of this podcast to the despair of many among his audience, including me.

On the Dead Pixel Live Epilogue, Derrick thanked many people. One of these was me, however it is I who owe Dead Pixel Live my thanks. If DPL has not kept my mind at an elite level at work I believe I would not be the productive worker I am today. Without that level of productivity I would not have gotten my raise, many of my material possessions, and, most certainly, my beloved Mercury Mountaineer, or as I call her “Rubi”. Also, without Derrick telling me how to do so, Redertainment.com would not exist today. He may be kicking himself for that one, but it’s true.

So thanks to Alphabox, Loserly, DerrickH, and to a lesser extent Ravensdolphin for the role you have played in my life. I may never be able to replace you, and, in some way, I hope I never do.

****- Sexiest Bottle Blonde Zombie Of the Year

Blog Post Of The Year

This week People Magazine’s annual Sexiest Man Alive issue hit the newsstands. For the third time, part time pirate Johnny Depp has been bestowed with this award. While People Magazine is the most prominent it is not the only magazine bestowing a (BANKIEST) (BLANK) award. The following is a list of other awards that either have been or will be awarded shortly.

Geek Magazine has named Seth Green the Sexiest Geek Alive for the third time.

Oprah Magazine has named Oprah Whinfrey the World’s Greatest Woman Alive for the ninth time.

Ed Hardy Magazine has named Jon Goslin the Douchest Man Alive for the first time.

RCOA Monthly has named Hunter Red Douchebag Blogger Of The Year for the fifth time.

Natalie Portman has been named Sexiest Woman Alive by Hunter Red Digest for the forth time.

Kerry Jackson Magazine has named Marcus Sexiest Comedian Alive for the second time.

Kickboxing Enthusiast has named Heidi and Spencer Pratt the Couple Most Deserving Of A Face Kick for the fourth time.

And finally Ted Haggard Magazine has named Carrie Prejean Hypocrite Of The Year for the first time.



Forgive Me- 11/21/2009

Palin event leaves some out in the cold, unhappy

I left anxious fans yearning for my autograph waiting in the rain.
Forgive me.
Besides, there may have been an unworthy liberal amongst you.



The Twilight Saga: Cerebral Hunger

By now everybody in the Western hemisphere has had some sort of interaction with the works of Stephanie Meyer. Whether it’s reading the book Twilight, going to see New Moon in the theaters, or watching the Cody Deveraux parodies on The Tonight Show, The Twilight Saga is pretty much inescapable right now. Even while new Moon is raking in millions upon millions of dollars at the box office, plans are being finalized for the next film in this series. Rather than follow the plot of the next book in this series, Eclipse, Summit Entertainment has decided to create their own entry in the Twilight Saga. Details on this movie have been sparce until now. Here, exclusively on Redertainment.com, are the early details on The Twilight Saga: Cerebral Hunger.

The Twilight Saga: Cerebral Hunger deals chiefly with a character by the name of Ana Clark. Ana is not directly mentioned in any of Stephanie Meyer’s Twilight books, but is indirectly mentioned as a student at the high school Bella attends. As it turns out, Ana is one of the many supernatural students that fill the halls at Forks High School. Ana Clark is a zombie.

Like the rest of the supernatural creatures in The Twilight Saga, the zombies in Cerebral Hunger don’t follow the established rules about zombies. Rather than being a slow walking mindless creature driven only by her desire to consume brains, Ana is a genius track star who is driven by a need to succeed in every avenue of her life and consume brains. Many will dismiss this alteration to the zombie lore but they will be crushed by the legion of Twihards who will accept this definition of zombies as the only one that has ever been.

Rumor has it that Gossip Girl star Blake Lively has been tapped to fill the role of Ana Clark in The Twilight Saga: Cerebral Hunger. It is unknown at this time how The Twilight commitment will affect her status on the CW drama. It is known that by taking this role the Parent’s Television Council will have something new to bitch about.

The Twilight Saga: Cerebral Hunger is expected to start filming soon with a release expected somewhere around Holiday 2010. Expect the hype machine to kick in sometime in June with Paterson/Stewart marriage rumors expected to roll out in mid-September.



Eminem > Modern Warfare 2



Eminem is one of those artists I’ve been following since Junior High. I own all of his major label releases, the two D12 major label CDs, the 8 Mile Soundtrack, and a smattering of other recordings featuring Eminem. If you put all the music I own by Eminem into a single playlist it would be exactly 11.1 hours long.

It took me exactly 5:32:56 to finish the single player campaign of Modern Warfare 2. In short, it would take you longer to listen to Eminem’s entire catalog than it would take you to beat the single player campaign of Modern Warfare 2. I just find that interesting.