****- Top Fifteen Depressing Bug Reviews

Top 15 List

This was inspired by posts from San_Andreas_666 and Cary Woodman, except I’m going all mad libs with mine. Enjoy, or don’t.

1. What is my all-time favorite arcade game?
The one furthest away from that creepy guy.
2. Favorite game series, any genre?
Superman
3. Favorite Final Fantasy hero?
The guy with the absurdly large sword that is in no way compensating for
anything.
4. Favorite Dragon Quest hero?
What is this Dragon Quest you speak of?
5. Favorite RPG series that is NOT Final Fantasy or Dragon Quest?
There are others?
Favorite character from the following fighting game series:
6. Street Fighter?
The blond American guy.
7. Mortal Kombat?
The blond American guy.
8. Virtua Fighter?
The blond American guy.
9. Tekken?
Nina Williams
11. Favorite early 90's Konami licensed beat-'em-up?
Hulk Hogan vs. A Vat of Caustic Acid
12. Favorite anime TV series?
The non-sci-fi one with no sexual tension that makes sense.
13. Which console do I own the most games for?
Virtual Boy
14. What state am I originally from?
Denial
15. Which state is my proposed "next GTA" modelled after?
The Salt Lake Valley Metro Complex-ville. Name: GTA: LDSin City.


:(

Quote from my review of The Watchmen:
This movie is a true triumph in the field of comic book cinema. I just hope this movie is successful. Otherwise, the era of black and white might return.

Quote from Comicbookmovie.com:
With Watchmen failing to reach that imaginary dollar mark that makes the studio feel good about themselves, WB is leaning towards no more R rated Superhero tent poles.

God damn it.



Fallout 3 The Pitt DLC Review (Written 3/25/09)



One of the things that continue to facinate me is Entomology, the study of bugs. I am facinated by social structure, communication tactics, and impact on the world around them. I will spend hours watching an inchworm make it's way across a tree stem.

That is why I found Fallout 3's new DLC, The Pitt, such a blast to play. The Pitt is mad buggy!



Fallout 3 The Pitt: I


Fallout 3 The Pitt DLC Review (Written 3/27/09)



I took a music class in college. One of the people I met in this class was a guy named Paul. He was great. He was into video games, anime, hardcore death metal, he was like me but cool.

One day Paul walked up to me and asked me if I was up for making some quick cash. Of course I was up for it, after all, Paul was my friend, and he offered me money. I went over to Paul's house where he gave me an address and a package. Paul told me to go to the address and give the package to a woman named Maria. Then Maria would give me a suitcase full of money that we would split. I asked Paul what was in the package and he said, "Something Maria thinks is very valuable and is willing to pay top dollar for." At that point I knew what Paul was having me do.

So I began to drive south, over the border, to the address in Monterrey, Mexico. When I got to the address, I was perplexed. The address appeared to be a run down Catholic mission. A woman came out of the building, walked over to me, and asked if she could help me. I asked the woman if she knew a maria, she told me she was Maria. I told her that I was here with a package from Paul. Maria went back in the building and came back with a briefcase. We make the exchange and parted ways, but I was curious, why would a person like her run this kind of business from a Catholic mission?

I crept up to the window and peered in. I saw Maria opening the package, her eyes lit up when she saw what was inside. Maria then said, in a loud resonate voice, "Kids!" A herd of children of various ages rushed into the room and crowded around Maria. Maria reached into the bag and began dispersing the contents of the package, a teddy bear for each and every child.



What the fuck! Paul used me and deceived me. I thought I was running drugs down to Mexico, not fucking teddy bears!

Ever since that day, I've had a problem with people using me to do things. Maybe that's why Fallout 3's The Pitt DLC left me with such a bitter taste in my mouth.

Wernher. That mother fucker. How dare he use me like that. Son of a trog.

Fallout 3 The Pitt DLC: B-

****- Touching Acronyms

HWR+AHC=<3




For a long time, people have been wondering why conservative author Ann Coulter continue to say and write things that are racists, sexists, bigoted, and other kinds of hurtful. People have wondered where she gets her ideas from, why she continues to get published, why, why, dear god why? People have also wondered why I was perfectly all right with putting my book, The Hawk by Hunter Red, online for free. You may not think these things have anything to do with each other, but they do. They remarkably do.

I'm getting out in front of this story before some celebrity gossip rag picks it up. This is going to be big and, if not handled properly, could destroy us both. First of all, I am a satirist. I write tongue in cheek articles about things that interest me. This includes video games, politics, romantic endeavors, and fly fishing. Like many artists, I strive to be romantically involved with someone hwo is also an artist. Specifically someone who specializes in satire. Whose better at satire than one that practices the satirical arts twenty-four hours a day?

Second, Ann Coulter has an estimated net worth of $45 Million, including $5 Million in the past year. It could be said that any man who is dating Miss Coulter would be a made man who doesn't need to earn an income, right?

Now, I'm about to admit something that might be absolutely unbelievable, but it's true. I, Hunter Red, am dating Ann Coulter. I know, when I think about it, I don't believe it either. Not because of the character she portrays, but because of how truly wonderful my honeybear is. Every time I hear her speak, I just fall deeper and deeper in love with her.

Don't believe me? Here, look at this totally not photoshopped picture of Ann and I and see the truth for yourself.




IOCWMD?



This week, Conservative marionette Glenn Beck made one of his many claims about Iraq and the War on Terror. Unlike all of his other claims, this one appears to have some merit. This week Glenn Beck presented proof that Iraq has weapons of mass destruction.

Mr. Beck presented as proof the receipt of a transaction betweem the Iraqi Olympic Committee and a company known only as Easton. The receipt shows Easton sold eighty-seven items of their product to Isam Maliki, an employee of the IOC. According to Beck, all eighty-seven of these items have the distinct possibility to be used as weapons of mass destruction. Mr. Beck presented this as proof that the US was right to invade Iraq an that "no one should ever question President Bush, ever."

Isam Maliki, who currently resides in exile in West Valley City, Utah, was contacted by this reporter for this story. When shown a copy of the receipt, Mr. Maliki said, "This is a receipt for an order of baseball bats." Until just before the invasion, Isam Maliki was the coach of the Iraqi Olympic National Baseball Team and was preparing for the 2004 Olympic Games. Maliki is also known as the best second baseman to come out of Basra.

When informed of this, Glenn Beck said, "That proves it, Iraq had weapons of mass destruction. Can you deny that baseball bats can be used as WMD? Chock one up for the good guys, namely the Republicans!" When informed that Dick Cheney roams around with the Imperial March as his theme music, Mr. Beck used the power given to him by Joseph Smith to curse me to hell. I'm so scared.

The current whereabouts of these baseball bats is unknown. Last reports have them in the possession of R.C.O.A. President Seifer Kinneas and process server Dale Denton.


GWB+PT=<3



This week, during a speech in Canada, thankfully former President Bush revealed that he was going to be writing a book. President Bush said he was going to be writing about the twelve hardest decisions he made as president from a first person perspective. Through my contacts, as well as theft, I was able to obtain a preview of this book. This passage is from August 6th, 2001, the day Pres. Bush recieved the "Bin Ladin Determined To Strike in US" memo.



As I sit here, meeting with my cabinet, going over matters of national and international importance, I can't help but think "I really like Pop Tarts." I just really like Pop Tarts. From the outside edge made of graham cracker or something, to the sugar laden frosting in the middle of the pastry, to the filling which is made of fruit, I think.

I have Pop Tarts nearly every morning. It's part of my morning routine: Pray, shower, Pop Tarts. I wish I could do that all day, but my job kinda fouls that up. Whose bright idea was it for me to be president anyway, I could be playing football right now.

Sometimes Laura says that she'd like to wake me in the morning with a Pop Tart warmed between her breasts. I have no idea what would make her think that was a good idea. I've been in between Laura's breasts and that space is simply for warm enough to cook a Pop Tart sufficiently. I love Laura, but some of her ideas just don't make sense. Like the idea she had of me reading every memo given to me in it's entirety. I can't do that, I got Pop Tarts to eat and Spongebob to watch. I mean look at this one, "Bin Laden Determined To Attack in US", why should I read that completely?



More passages like this are expected in George W. Bush's book, "Like 12 Decisions That I Like Totally Made, Totally."




Metal Gear Solid: Touch Review



When I was a kid, my parents never let me play with guns. call them crazy, but they had a problem with making gun violence appealing to children. I know weird. They didn't even let me play with toy guns. The closest thing to a gun that my parents let me play with were these massive supersoakers that make the needlers in Halo look realistic.



The only way I could imitate gun violence as a kid was to make a gun with my fingers. My friends would be playing with berettas and glock nines and I'd be toting a revolver with infinite rounds. If it wasn't for my ability to be absolutely silent as I stealthy hunted my friends down in the neighborhoods, I'd never have made it past the first shot. However, because of my inherit stealthiness, I was able to fingerbang my friends with ease.

Many years later, I bought Metal Gear Solid: Touch for my iPod Touch. This game brought back many childhood memories as I was once again given the ability to fingerbang people people out of existence. This game isn't much good beyond that. Truthfully, I'd rather have a port of or a new Metal Gear AC!D game than the ability to fingerbang people on my iPod Touch.



Playing this game is a source of joy to me as I remember all the good times I has with my friends in the carefree days of yore. It also apparently gives great joy to my girlfriend, as she has laughed every time I've written out the word fingerbang. I hope someday to understand why.

Metal Gear Solid: Touch: B-

****- Discovering the Boundaries of Life-Life Lemon Displays

Hunter Red: Fuck Boundaries

Hello and welcome to another Hunter Red: Fuck Boundaries. I'm Hunter Red and I'm here with my camera man Dave. Say hello Dave. Oh, that's right, Dave's not supposed to speak. Okay then.

Well, I am Hunter Red and I am here in Laos. Me being here in Laos brings up an interesting question: Why the fuck would I go to Laos? I have no friends or family in Laos, no business interests in Laos, or anything else resembling a good reason to come to this country. This was not a question that was raised by my girlfriend, or Dave, or Dave's wife, or Dave's girlfriend. Oh crap, was I not supposed to mention that?

Instead, the question of the purpose of me being in Laos was directed toward my producer Ron by me. I asked Ron, "Why the fuck would I go to Laos?" Ron's response was, "Because we're paying you." My next question was, "Why can't you pay me to go to New Jersey?" Ron's answer was, "We already did that, five times. You're going to Laos." I started to say, "But why can't I-", however Ron interrupted me with, "Shut the fuck up and get in the cab you overpaid walking microphone stand."

So I'm here, in Laos, and I have no idea what to do. I have no resturants to visit, no people to interview, or events to cover. I'm in Laos and I have nothing to do, something I could have easily done in New Jersey. My plane ride back home doesn't leave for five days, and we can't move it up because of the expense and the physical trauma we would suffer at the hands of Ron.

Well, that's all the time we have for Fuck Boundaries. I'm Hunter Red, and I could use a beer. Good night.


Planet Fake World Discovered



The Keppler Telescope was put into orbit by NASA for the purpose of exploration and discovery. William Barovski, chief scientists for the Keppler Mission, said of the telescope, "We certainly won't find ET, but we may find ET's home by looking at all these stairs." In addition to ET's home, the home worlds of other imaginary characters may finally be discovered, including the home of Pac-Man, Homer J. Simpson, and Glenn Beck.


Getting High On Life-Like Displays

Have you ever heard someone talk about the experience of being high? How colors are more vivid, music sounds more rich, and food tastes better? Well, I bought a HDTV on Monday, and I can say I now know what it's like to be high. Except for the food tasting better part, most of what I eat still tastes like crap.


Woman Sues Over Lemon

Many different video games have had blame placed on them for many different detriments of society. Murders blamed on Grand Theft Auto, social isolation being blamed on World of Warcraft, and being an annoying little shit being blamed on The Andy Dick Experience. This is a story of one of the occurences.



This is Ann Sullivan. She is a twenty-five year old recent college graduate who is setting out into the real world. Like most people who venture into the real world, she needed a car to help her on her journey. To that end, she bought a '93 Honda Civic Sedan used for $3,500. Immediately she started having problems with it.

Within the first four months of ownership, Ann had to replace the brakes, catalytic converter, drivetrain, and coolant system. In that time, Ann's car spent more time in the shop than on the road. When she was driving it, Ann would desperately pray that her car would not break into a thousand pieces. Thankfully that did not happen, but something else did. As Ann was at work, a lit cigarette, thrown by a passing driver, lit some gasoline leaking from Ann's car ablaze. Ann's car was quickly engulfed in flames. To add insult to injury, Ann's car insurance did not cover fire damage.

Rather than writing this experience off as bad luck and going forward having learned something, Ann decided to lawyer up. Rather than pursuing legal action against the dealership who sold her the car or the motorist who threw the cigarette, Ann is trying to get damages from Polyphony Digital, the maker of Gran Turismo 2.

In a court filing submitted on Wednesday, Miss Sullivan claimed, "The video game Gran Turismo 2 made the '93 Honda Civic Sedan seen very appealing to me. I could play that game for hours on end with that car without failing. I was convinced, or rather deceived, into thinking that this car was my dream car. I hold Polyphony Digital personally responsible for my losses."



Polyphony Digital's President Kazunori Yamauchi released the following statement about Miss Sullivan's lawsuit:
Although we feel for Miss Sullivan's lose, we feel this lawsuit is frivolous and without merit. We look forward to this case being quickly resolved so that this young woman could move forward in her life.

There will be a hearing in early April to determine whether or not this case will go forward. How Ann Sullivan will get to this hearing is at this time unknown. By the way, where's my cigarette?

****- Big Breasted Conservative Wheelchair Thieves

THNWA: Tony Hawk Not Wheelchair Accesable



A long held rumor has it that the next Tony Hawk game will feature a new skateboard peripheral. Many gamers reacted negatively to this rumor, but one segment of the gaming public may have a legitimate gripe. Today a formal protest to this peripheral was made known to the public. Tony Hawk has angered people in wheelchairs.



The American Wheelchair Bound Advocacy Group (AWBAG) has made known their objections to this proposed peripheral. AWBAG spokesman Jimmy Vulmer released the following statement. "A segment of the population of people who play video games is also wheelchair bound. If this peripheral is as integrated to the game as we are being led to believe, how are the wheelchair bound supposed to play it?"

In response Activision Blizzard CEO Robert Kotick said, "Oh shit. We hadn't thought of that. Fuck."

A release date for the Tony Hawk Adrenaline has yet to be announced, but expect a protest to occur on the same day. That is, unless, there is a flight of stairs in the way.


Lara Croft Model Shot By Pathetic Douche



Today, tragedy nearly befell the gaming world with the attempted assassination of Lara Croft. A crazed gunman, identified only as DSMaster25, fired five shots at Lara Croft model Alison Carroll while she was being ogled at by gaming journalists attempting to interview her.

Doug Stanhope, a writer for Larastits.com and witness to the attack, said, "I was lobbing her complex softball questions for the purpose of seeing Lara's chest go up and down, when all of a sudden I heard several shots ring out. I didn't see the assailant, as he was not either of Miss Croft's breasts, but I hope that guy burns in hell. This was my one chance to gizz in my pants in front of the real Lara, instead of a picture of her."

Stranger then Mr. Stanhope's account of the incident, is what DSMaster25 was reportedly saying during the incident. DSMaster25 is reported to have said, "I love you Seth Green." Why DSMaster25 said this is still a mystery. When informed of this, Mr. Green said, "Can you tell me how Miss Carroll's body was deformed? I want to make a sketch of this for Robot Chicken."

Eidos Interactive's CEO Phil Rogers just released a statement about this incident. "First of all, Miss Carroll is fine. She is in stable condition and expected to make a full recovery. Secondly, Lara Croft is fine. As Miss Croft is a fictional character, any attack on a person dressed like her will in no way actually affect her. The video games we put Lara in do more to kill her than anything the gaming public can do. By the way, is that on?"

While Mr. Rogers's statement is mostly accurate, one part of his statement is false, namely Miss Carroll's current physical state. While she will be making a complete medical recovery, the part of her body that bore the brunt of the attack is said to be in critical condition. Much effort will be made to save Allison Carroll's breasts, but doctors can only do so much.


Grand Theft Big Wheel: Monkey Bar Wars



The release of Grand Theft Auto IV: The Lost and Damned saw an uproar over the full frontal male nudity contained therein. While most groups are blasting Rockstar over this game, one group is blasting them over another project they're working on. The Family Video Game Advisory Corporation (FVGAC) is criticizing Rockstar over an upcoming kids game.

Rockstar has been looking for some time to expand it's appeal and thereby increase it's market share and total revenues. To that end, Rockstar commissioned the development of Barnyard Adventures. In the game you take care of various barnyard animals in the hopes of winning first place ribbons at the State Fair. That apparently is where Rockstar ran afoul of the FVGAC, again.

FVGAC spokesman Ned Flanders said in a statement, "This game's blatant portrayal of cocks is simply disgusting. There are white cocks, black cocks, red cocks, even yellow cocks. There are cocks of all sizes in this game. Tall to short, skinny to fat, all kinds of cocks are represented here. It's sickening that this game is being made for children."

When asked about Mr. Flanders's comments, Rockstar Vice President Dan Houser said, "You have to be kidding me. You do realize that he's referring to the portion of the game where you take care of chickens, right? Male chickens who we always, always, refer to as "roosters", not "cocks". The FVGAC has gone into the realm of the absurd on this one."

In response to the response, Mr. Flanders said, "That guy is lying to you. Rockstar is wholly corrupt, you just have to see them through the righteous lens that is conservatism." When asked if that lens causes the world to be distorted in a way that makes nearly everything appear to be corrupt, Ned Flanders punched me in the face.

Rockstar's Barnyard Adventures is expected to be released on the Wii and DS in time for the start of school in the fall.


The Hawk by Hunter Red

Seriously people, read my book. My fragile ego is in desperate need of someone to tell me I'm good. My mom thinks it's good!

The Watchmen Review

I saw The Watchmen on Monday night. As I was watching it and on the way home, I was thinking of a review to write. Usually when I write, I have an ending in mind. For this I do not have an ending. I have two. Here they are.



I'm not a comic book geek, there's very few titles I've read and actually liked. This is because most comic books show the extremes of people. Absolute true heroes, entirely evil villains, perpetually loyal followers, wholly corrupt criminals, and other diametrically opposed parties in conflict.

The comic books I like show society as it is. Not black, not white, but differing intensities of gray. V for Vendetta, The Sandman, Sin City, and The Dark Knight fit this mold, and are therefore favored by myself. The favorite of myself, and others, is The Watchmen.

The Watchmen showed people as they actually are. Complex, moralistic, remorseful, lustful, struggling on a daily basis with who they are and how they fit in. So when I heard a movie was in the works, I was hesitant. I had this feeling that movie makers would foul up this true vision of the world, and turn it into one where blinding light chases an all encompassing shadow. In short, I thought the industry wold fuck this up.

That did not happen. The true vision displayed in The Watchmen comic is maintained in The Watchmen movie. This movie is a true triumph in the field of comic book cinema. I just hope this movie is successful. Otherwise, the era of black and white might return.

The Watchmen: A



I never feel as truly alone as I do when I'm in a movie theater. In other parts of the world, I can always distract myself with other things. Music, podcasts, manga, handheld games, TiVo, the internet, all sorts of things. However, when I'm in a movie theater, all I'm left with is me and my thoughts and observations.

I see people, all around me, together. With a spouse, with a potential spouse, with a friend, with a family member, with a co-worker, with someone. No one goes to the movies alone. No one except me.

This isn't an isolated incident. I go to restaurants alone, work alone, drive alone, read alone, write alone, sleep alone, nearly everything I do, I do alone. I just never really think of it until I'm at the movies.

I think of these things in that place for many reasons. It's dark, ambient noise is mute, my observations of people is limited, and on, and on, and on. Even the subject matter of the movie makes me think of it. When I watched The Watchmen, I saw the romantic relationship develop between Silk Specture and Night Owl, and I felt alone. I watched Laurie and Dan kiss, and I felt alone. I watched these two characters make love, and I felt alone. As I pen this passage, remembering the great movie I just saw, I feel alone.

I do not like this feeling. It is long since past the time when I should had rid myself of this feeling. I need to make a purgative act. I am just unsure as to how. I need help. Unfortunately, I am alone.

The Watchmen: A