Notes From Rehab 3: Glorious Junk

Red Appearances

I recently bought Marcus- The Hand That Feeds at one of Marcus' shows. I went to the taping of this comedy special in March. Marcus, who was running concessions for himself, told me that I make an appearance in one of the crowd shots on this DVD. This excited me. So I watched this very fine comedy special and documented my various appearances. I do this because I am completely vain.

At 0:56:12, there is a camera pan of the crowd. In the upper part, between a guy in a baseball cap and a guy in a white shirt, there's a guy in a white shirt with red sleeves. That's me in my Dead Pixel Live shirt. If you can recognize me, you get a cookie.

At 1:12:53, I appear laughing at Marcus' joke about him not knowing about the latest social network thing. Then I stroke my goatee. I am baffled as to why I stroked my goatee. If you can explain to me why I stroked my goatee at that moment, you get a cookie.

At 1:21:20, a slow zoom out of the crowd begins, first focusing on two guys wearing hats, and, as it pulls out, moving slowly right. At 1:21:23, I come into frame. Again, red sleeves, Dead Pixel Live T-Shirt, this time you can see the watch I wear on my right hand. No goatee stroking this time.

At 1:48:44, right near the end, there's a pan of the audience. I'm close to the middle of the beginning of this shot. No goatee stroking, just big hair.

That is all. By the way, go see Marcus because he is very much good. Also, buy his stuff because it is very much good. Finally, eat some Brussel sprouts, because they are very much good.



Fun With Government Debt!

I found out about this on Monday and started playing around with it. It's quite interesting. I challenge you to balance the deficit without raising taxes. It's quite difficult.

Budget Puzzle: You Fix the Budget



24 Hours?

I started thinking about this when the whole Daily Show/MSNBC/False Equivalency thing started being tossed around. This came up when, at the Rally To Restore Sanity And/Or Fear, Jon Stewart equated Fox News to MSNBC. The people at MSNBC, most prominently Keith Olbermann and Rachel Maddow, didn't like this comparison.

This discussion caused me to ask the following question: Do we have twenty-four hour news stations any more? The answer is no. What we have is stations that run opinion based entertainment programs during the time designated as "prime time", then run filler for the rest of the day.

For a long time we did. It wasn't MSNBC, or Fox News, or CNN that filled this role, it was Headline News. However, a couple of years ago, even Headline News started airing shows like Glenn Beck and Nancy Grace. Whether it's The Rachel Maddow Show, Hannity, or Parker/Spitzer, every station that touts itself as a twenty-four hour news station has opinion based entertainment programs.

There's a part of me that mourns the loss of the true twenty-four hour news station. I used to be able to turn on Headline News if I wanted to get a sense of what was going on right now. If I had heard a snippet of a national news story and wanted to get more info, I could go to MSNBC and get that info. Hell, I could even go to CNN to get the score from last night's Atlanta Braves game. Now, if I want that information, I have to go online. Perhaps that is the reason why the twenty-four hour news station has gone away. If I can quickly, and easily, get up to the second news on my laptop, iPad, cellphone, or any other web enabled device, why should I wait for the update from the TV news outlet that may be hours old? Perhaps the former twenty-four hour news stations are evolving to meet the current desires of it's audience. If only newspapers could evolve in such a manner. Then we could get a weekly column from Glenn Beck entitled "The Liberal Menace!"




Explicit Colours!

Among the games released alongside the launch of the Xbox 360 Kinect was Kinect Joyride. In this game, you can choose the colour of the car you drive. The way this is done is the Kinect camera looks at it's field of vision and asks the player to choose an object in that field of vision to base the colour off of. Based on statistics gathered by the Neilson Ratings Group, here is the top five colours chosen by the players of Kinect Joyride.

#5- Back Of An iPod Silver
#4- Notebook Paper White
#3- Outside Of The PS3 Black
#2- Mountain Dew Green
And the number one colour-
#1- Penis Pink



Glorious Junk!

Hello, I am Anthony Severe. Recently a big deal was made of the new guidelines put in place by the Transportation Security Administration. Namely all these panty wasted liberals are complaining about the full body scanners and the enhanced pat downs that are currently being implemented by TSA officials.

I personally don't have a problem with these new security guidelines. This is because I have glorious junk. I have the kind of junk that women want to experience and men want to have attached to them. You know all those emails you get offering you pills to increase your size? You are attempting to obtain the glory that I as graced by God to have.

I don't even mind the full body pat downs that involve men running their hands up my leg and brushing against my private area. This is because I know that once this guy touches my glorious junk, that man will become jealous of my glorious junk. They will recoil in fear of my glorious junk and not be drawn to it in the manner that many, MANY, women are drawn to my glorious junk.

Because I am a true conservative with glorious junk, I know the true reason why people are making a big deal of the new TSA security guidelines. The reason is that they are filthy stinking liberals who shouldn't be allowed in decent society, and that they have teeny, tiny, micro penises. They feel inadequate because of their teeny, tiny, micro penises and therefore feel the need to ruin the party for all of us with glorious junk. Again, I HAVE GLORIOUS JUNK!




The Third Annual Four Star Gaming Awards: Nomination Special

Hello! Anthony Severe here, picking up the slack for Hunter Red, who is still in a rehabilitation facility in Park City, Utah. The time has come for the process to start for The Third Annual Four Star Gaming Awards. The nomination process is now open, and you the reader can participate! Simply submit your winner in any, or all, of the catagories listed below. You can even submit the reason why you think your choice should win. Nominations for The Third Annual Four Star Gaming Awards will close on Monday, December 20th, with the award ceremony scheduled for Monday, December 27th. You can submit your winner to the following places:

Twitter: @Redertainment
Facebook: Send a message to Hunter Red
Email: redertainment@live.com
Or submit a comment or reply wherever you are reading this.

Award Categories
Game Of The Year
Xbox 360 Game Of The Year
Playstation 3 Game Of The Year
Nintendo Wii Game Of The Year
Downloadable Game Of The Year
Biggest Gaming Disappointment Of The Year
Best New IP Of The Year
Non-Gaming Thing Most Deserving Of An Award

****- Glenn Beck Stole Muhammad's iPad!!!

Playing With My New iPad

Writing up my blog post should be interesting given the fact that I'm so used to typing things up on a regular keyboard. It's not that I don't like the touch keyboard on the iPad, hell, I like the keyboard on the iPod Touch. I just wish I could type by way of feeling the keyboard, like I do at work. I don't think I've taken my eyes off the keyboard once while I am typing out this thought. At least the speaker on the iPad is really nice. Listening to Amanda Palmer's Ampersand makes me feel oddly at ease while typing out my thoughts.



The Red Interview: Beck

Hunter Red is sitting alone on a dimly lit raised platform with two chairs on it with an iPad in his hand. An overblown light display is triggered ending with the spotlight being shown on Hunter Red.
Hunter- Good evening and welcome to The Red Interview. I am your host Hunter Red. Without much further ado, let's bring out my guest. Tonight my guest is Beck.

A spotlight is shown on the right side of the stage, and Glenn Beck enters it and walks out to the raised platform and fills the other chair on the stage. Hunter Red has a disgusted look on his face as Glenn Beck makes his entrance.
Glenn Beck- Hello Hunter. Thanks for having me here tonight.
Hunter Red still has a disgusted look on his face.
Hunter- Yeah, I'll be back.
Hunter Red gets out of his chair and walks off stage carrying his iPad. The camera follows him backstage as he walks up to and begins to talk to the show's producer.
Hunter- Chris?
Chris- Yes?
H- What the hell is he doing here?
C- What?
H- Glenn Beck is my guest tonight?
C- Yes, yes he is. Do you have a problem with that?
H- Yes!
C- Why, because he's a conservative and you're a bleeding heart liberal?
H- No.
C- Then what is it?
H- I asked you to book Beck.
C- Yes, and I did that for you.
H- I didn't mean Glenn Beck.
C- Yes you did.
H- No I didn't!
C- You told me, at the start of the new season, I want you to book me Beck. You said that you loved his work and have always wanted to get inside his pants.
H- I said I wanted to get inside his head.
C- Whatever.
H- And by "he" I didn't mean him!
C- I don't follow.
H- I didn't want you to book Glenn Beck as a guest on The Red Interview, I wanted you to book Beck.
C- I DID!
H- Not that Beck, the musician Beck.
C- I don't follow.
Hunter turns on his iPad, finds the embedded video below, and plays it for Chris.

Hunter- This is the Beck I wanted you to book. The musician Beck Hansen.
Chris- I'm unfamiliar with this kind of music? Is this the music you listen to when you're high?
Hunter gets visibly frustrated.
Hunter- Jeff Beck would have been a more fitting choice than Glenn Beck.
Chris- Who?
Hunter turns off his iPad, rears back, and hits Chris with his iPad. The camera follows Hunter as he walks back to the raised platform and sits back in his chair.
Hunter- Well, I'm sorry Mr. Beck, I'm sorry to have wasted your time here today.
Glenn- What do you mean?
H- I didn't want to book you as a guest, I wanted to book the musician Beck as a guest.
G- Jeff Beck? That guy's music is great. I'm looking forward to seeing him on tour with Eric Clapton soon.
H- Yeah, so am I. Wanna play with my iPad?
G- Sure.
Hunter Red hands Glenn Beck his iPad.
Hunter- Well, that's all the time we have for The Red Interview for tonight. I am Hunter Red telling my producer Chris that his ass is fired.
The overblown light display is triggered. As the overblown light display turn the raised platform from a lighted one to a dimly light one, Glenn Beck is seen darting off the platform with Hunter's iPad in his hand. Hunter runs after Glenn as the scene ends.

END SCENE



Playing With My iPad's Keyboard

So I bought a keyboard for my iPad and am liking this setup much better than using the touch keyboard. I could see myself quickly typing something, like a blog post, up by quickly turning on my iPad, hooking up the keyboard, and typing away. I don't like how I have to take my iPad out of the case I bought when I bought my new toy to use this keyboard, but that can be addressed by buying another, and probably, better case. Yes, I'm spending money like it's falling from the sky, which is apropos because it's raining right now.



John Mayer In Concert

This summer, a modern day guitar marvel is coming to a town near you. This summer, a sultry ladies man is coming to a town near you. This summer John Mayer is coming to a town near you. John Mayer in concert.

John Mayer's 2010 Summer Tour is brought to you by Touche brand douche products. When you want the best douche in the world, think only of Touche.



Pages on iPad

I bought this app on iTunes that I fooled around with in the Apple Store. It's called Pages and it's supposed to be like a real word processor. It works pretty good. I mean it's no Word but it's something. At the very least I can actually see how long my blog post will be now.

I just found out I can add pictures and graphs easily to this document. Now I can share my porn and how much I spend on porn with you! YAY!!!



Consistent Inconsistency

Like many of you, I was offended by Comedy Central's action's regarding South Park's Episode 201. My offense is not driven by me thinking the Muslim prophet Muhammad is worthy of ridicule, my offense is driven by the inconsistent actions of Comedy Central.

If South Park is not allowed to show Muhammad in a less than positive light, why are they allowed to show a Hindu god doing cocaine?

If South Park is not allowed to do things that offend followers of a religion on a basic level, why was South Park allowed to criticize the translation of The Book of Mormon?

If South Park is not allowed to depict situations despite threats from religions of repercussions from depicting those things, why was South Park allowed to depict Stan Marsh as the leader of the Church Of Scientology?

If Comedy Central allows South Park to depict other religions in ways that those religions might find offensive, why draw the line at the Muslim faith? And don't just say it's because they are afraid that Muslims will blow up Comedy Central and South Park Studios. That is petty, stupid, and quite racist. I learned that lesson when I sounded off about Media Molecule altering Little Big Planet just before it was released.

****- Touching Acronyms

HWR+AHC=<3




For a long time, people have been wondering why conservative author Ann Coulter continue to say and write things that are racists, sexists, bigoted, and other kinds of hurtful. People have wondered where she gets her ideas from, why she continues to get published, why, why, dear god why? People have also wondered why I was perfectly all right with putting my book, The Hawk by Hunter Red, online for free. You may not think these things have anything to do with each other, but they do. They remarkably do.

I'm getting out in front of this story before some celebrity gossip rag picks it up. This is going to be big and, if not handled properly, could destroy us both. First of all, I am a satirist. I write tongue in cheek articles about things that interest me. This includes video games, politics, romantic endeavors, and fly fishing. Like many artists, I strive to be romantically involved with someone hwo is also an artist. Specifically someone who specializes in satire. Whose better at satire than one that practices the satirical arts twenty-four hours a day?

Second, Ann Coulter has an estimated net worth of $45 Million, including $5 Million in the past year. It could be said that any man who is dating Miss Coulter would be a made man who doesn't need to earn an income, right?

Now, I'm about to admit something that might be absolutely unbelievable, but it's true. I, Hunter Red, am dating Ann Coulter. I know, when I think about it, I don't believe it either. Not because of the character she portrays, but because of how truly wonderful my honeybear is. Every time I hear her speak, I just fall deeper and deeper in love with her.

Don't believe me? Here, look at this totally not photoshopped picture of Ann and I and see the truth for yourself.




IOCWMD?



This week, Conservative marionette Glenn Beck made one of his many claims about Iraq and the War on Terror. Unlike all of his other claims, this one appears to have some merit. This week Glenn Beck presented proof that Iraq has weapons of mass destruction.

Mr. Beck presented as proof the receipt of a transaction betweem the Iraqi Olympic Committee and a company known only as Easton. The receipt shows Easton sold eighty-seven items of their product to Isam Maliki, an employee of the IOC. According to Beck, all eighty-seven of these items have the distinct possibility to be used as weapons of mass destruction. Mr. Beck presented this as proof that the US was right to invade Iraq an that "no one should ever question President Bush, ever."

Isam Maliki, who currently resides in exile in West Valley City, Utah, was contacted by this reporter for this story. When shown a copy of the receipt, Mr. Maliki said, "This is a receipt for an order of baseball bats." Until just before the invasion, Isam Maliki was the coach of the Iraqi Olympic National Baseball Team and was preparing for the 2004 Olympic Games. Maliki is also known as the best second baseman to come out of Basra.

When informed of this, Glenn Beck said, "That proves it, Iraq had weapons of mass destruction. Can you deny that baseball bats can be used as WMD? Chock one up for the good guys, namely the Republicans!" When informed that Dick Cheney roams around with the Imperial March as his theme music, Mr. Beck used the power given to him by Joseph Smith to curse me to hell. I'm so scared.

The current whereabouts of these baseball bats is unknown. Last reports have them in the possession of R.C.O.A. President Seifer Kinneas and process server Dale Denton.


GWB+PT=<3



This week, during a speech in Canada, thankfully former President Bush revealed that he was going to be writing a book. President Bush said he was going to be writing about the twelve hardest decisions he made as president from a first person perspective. Through my contacts, as well as theft, I was able to obtain a preview of this book. This passage is from August 6th, 2001, the day Pres. Bush recieved the "Bin Ladin Determined To Strike in US" memo.



As I sit here, meeting with my cabinet, going over matters of national and international importance, I can't help but think "I really like Pop Tarts." I just really like Pop Tarts. From the outside edge made of graham cracker or something, to the sugar laden frosting in the middle of the pastry, to the filling which is made of fruit, I think.

I have Pop Tarts nearly every morning. It's part of my morning routine: Pray, shower, Pop Tarts. I wish I could do that all day, but my job kinda fouls that up. Whose bright idea was it for me to be president anyway, I could be playing football right now.

Sometimes Laura says that she'd like to wake me in the morning with a Pop Tart warmed between her breasts. I have no idea what would make her think that was a good idea. I've been in between Laura's breasts and that space is simply for warm enough to cook a Pop Tart sufficiently. I love Laura, but some of her ideas just don't make sense. Like the idea she had of me reading every memo given to me in it's entirety. I can't do that, I got Pop Tarts to eat and Spongebob to watch. I mean look at this one, "Bin Laden Determined To Attack in US", why should I read that completely?



More passages like this are expected in George W. Bush's book, "Like 12 Decisions That I Like Totally Made, Totally."




Metal Gear Solid: Touch Review



When I was a kid, my parents never let me play with guns. call them crazy, but they had a problem with making gun violence appealing to children. I know weird. They didn't even let me play with toy guns. The closest thing to a gun that my parents let me play with were these massive supersoakers that make the needlers in Halo look realistic.



The only way I could imitate gun violence as a kid was to make a gun with my fingers. My friends would be playing with berettas and glock nines and I'd be toting a revolver with infinite rounds. If it wasn't for my ability to be absolutely silent as I stealthy hunted my friends down in the neighborhoods, I'd never have made it past the first shot. However, because of my inherit stealthiness, I was able to fingerbang my friends with ease.

Many years later, I bought Metal Gear Solid: Touch for my iPod Touch. This game brought back many childhood memories as I was once again given the ability to fingerbang people people out of existence. This game isn't much good beyond that. Truthfully, I'd rather have a port of or a new Metal Gear AC!D game than the ability to fingerbang people on my iPod Touch.



Playing this game is a source of joy to me as I remember all the good times I has with my friends in the carefree days of yore. It also apparently gives great joy to my girlfriend, as she has laughed every time I've written out the word fingerbang. I hope someday to understand why.

Metal Gear Solid: Touch: B-

****- Discovering the Boundaries of Life-Life Lemon Displays

Hunter Red: Fuck Boundaries

Hello and welcome to another Hunter Red: Fuck Boundaries. I'm Hunter Red and I'm here with my camera man Dave. Say hello Dave. Oh, that's right, Dave's not supposed to speak. Okay then.

Well, I am Hunter Red and I am here in Laos. Me being here in Laos brings up an interesting question: Why the fuck would I go to Laos? I have no friends or family in Laos, no business interests in Laos, or anything else resembling a good reason to come to this country. This was not a question that was raised by my girlfriend, or Dave, or Dave's wife, or Dave's girlfriend. Oh crap, was I not supposed to mention that?

Instead, the question of the purpose of me being in Laos was directed toward my producer Ron by me. I asked Ron, "Why the fuck would I go to Laos?" Ron's response was, "Because we're paying you." My next question was, "Why can't you pay me to go to New Jersey?" Ron's answer was, "We already did that, five times. You're going to Laos." I started to say, "But why can't I-", however Ron interrupted me with, "Shut the fuck up and get in the cab you overpaid walking microphone stand."

So I'm here, in Laos, and I have no idea what to do. I have no resturants to visit, no people to interview, or events to cover. I'm in Laos and I have nothing to do, something I could have easily done in New Jersey. My plane ride back home doesn't leave for five days, and we can't move it up because of the expense and the physical trauma we would suffer at the hands of Ron.

Well, that's all the time we have for Fuck Boundaries. I'm Hunter Red, and I could use a beer. Good night.


Planet Fake World Discovered



The Keppler Telescope was put into orbit by NASA for the purpose of exploration and discovery. William Barovski, chief scientists for the Keppler Mission, said of the telescope, "We certainly won't find ET, but we may find ET's home by looking at all these stairs." In addition to ET's home, the home worlds of other imaginary characters may finally be discovered, including the home of Pac-Man, Homer J. Simpson, and Glenn Beck.


Getting High On Life-Like Displays

Have you ever heard someone talk about the experience of being high? How colors are more vivid, music sounds more rich, and food tastes better? Well, I bought a HDTV on Monday, and I can say I now know what it's like to be high. Except for the food tasting better part, most of what I eat still tastes like crap.


Woman Sues Over Lemon

Many different video games have had blame placed on them for many different detriments of society. Murders blamed on Grand Theft Auto, social isolation being blamed on World of Warcraft, and being an annoying little shit being blamed on The Andy Dick Experience. This is a story of one of the occurences.



This is Ann Sullivan. She is a twenty-five year old recent college graduate who is setting out into the real world. Like most people who venture into the real world, she needed a car to help her on her journey. To that end, she bought a '93 Honda Civic Sedan used for $3,500. Immediately she started having problems with it.

Within the first four months of ownership, Ann had to replace the brakes, catalytic converter, drivetrain, and coolant system. In that time, Ann's car spent more time in the shop than on the road. When she was driving it, Ann would desperately pray that her car would not break into a thousand pieces. Thankfully that did not happen, but something else did. As Ann was at work, a lit cigarette, thrown by a passing driver, lit some gasoline leaking from Ann's car ablaze. Ann's car was quickly engulfed in flames. To add insult to injury, Ann's car insurance did not cover fire damage.

Rather than writing this experience off as bad luck and going forward having learned something, Ann decided to lawyer up. Rather than pursuing legal action against the dealership who sold her the car or the motorist who threw the cigarette, Ann is trying to get damages from Polyphony Digital, the maker of Gran Turismo 2.

In a court filing submitted on Wednesday, Miss Sullivan claimed, "The video game Gran Turismo 2 made the '93 Honda Civic Sedan seen very appealing to me. I could play that game for hours on end with that car without failing. I was convinced, or rather deceived, into thinking that this car was my dream car. I hold Polyphony Digital personally responsible for my losses."



Polyphony Digital's President Kazunori Yamauchi released the following statement about Miss Sullivan's lawsuit:
Although we feel for Miss Sullivan's lose, we feel this lawsuit is frivolous and without merit. We look forward to this case being quickly resolved so that this young woman could move forward in her life.

There will be a hearing in early April to determine whether or not this case will go forward. How Ann Sullivan will get to this hearing is at this time unknown. By the way, where's my cigarette?