This is part two of A Farcical Scheme. To fully understand just what is going on, please read part one. To be completely in the dark while reading this, please read while drunk/high. Thank you.
The Candidates
The meeting took place in the Raine family home. Darren Raine, a prep, with intents to go into the family business of swindling the poor, is hosting the meeting in his parent’s grand dining room. Darren has invited over many high ranking Reptiles to the meeting. Russell Allen, a jock, is quarterback of the Allred High football team with high profile college football prospects. Diane Firestein, a religious person, is representative of the Christian Leadership Council, group that represents the religious views of the student body. Brent Dumas, a straightedger, is leader of the Clean Living Committee, a straightedge group that is rumored to be a front for a gang. Heather Moon is head cheerleader and romantically linked to Russell Allen. Finally David Meriwether who is top student in the junior class, Debate Club captain, and most likely to win Valedictorian when he graduated.
The meeting started with a light dinner and a chance for some conversation. This was different from what they usually do over lunch at school because the food they were eating was actually healthy. After that the real nuts and bolts of the meeting got underway. Whiteboards were brought in, projectors were set up for PowerPoint presentations, and Russell sat up straight and looked to be paying attention.
Darren took his place at the front of the table and addressed those gathered. “Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to this meeting of the Reptiles. It is both an honor and a privilege to be the host for this annual went where the agenda for the real movers and shakers at Allred High is set.”
All of those gathered lightly applauded. During the applause, Russell elbowed Heather and said, “I bet he likes seeing you shake.”
Darren continues, “Reptiles, let’s get down to business. Who are we going to nominate to be next year’s Student Body President?”
Russell was the first to respond. “I nominate Kurt Fern!”
The rest of those gathered began to murmur, critical of this suggestion. Darren stepped in to quiet them. “Now hold on. We’re all here to suggest people who will take the mantle of leadership and we all are going to have an opportunity to suggest someone. Russell, why do you think Kurt would be a good president?”
“Well, his brother was president, so he’s got that going for him. Also, Kurt’s a pretty cool guy. He always invites me when he holds hid beer and sex parties when his parents aren’t home.”
Brent sarcastically commented, “Yeah, that’s just the perfect person to be president.”
Russell got offended and said, “What, you have a problem with people who enjoy a good fuck?”
Brent, responding to Russell’s offence, angrily said, “No, the problem is the beer. I can’t support a person who doesn’t live the kind of clean lifestyle I do.”
Russell stood up and yelled, “Your lifestyle is for pussies!” This lead to a short verbal confrontation. Russell was cursing, making incoherent comments and calling Brent gay. Brent was insulting Russell in a superbly articulate manner without swearing. Diane was trying to calm everyone down by saying Christ would yell like this. Heather was staring at a spot of light on the wall. At the end of the table, David was sitting with his head in his hands thoroughly disgusted at this argument.
Finally Darren stood up and screamed, “Will the two of you sit down and shut the fuck up!” Which they did.
In a last attempt to not look like the idiot he is, Russell said, “Can any of you give me one good reason Kurt Fern would not be a good president?”
David pulled his face from his hands and said, “It’s not so much that he can’t be a good president, it’s that he can’t win.”
Russell gave a good response in a dumb tone of voice. “Why not?”
David said, “You know all of those “Anything But Fern” t-shirts?”
Russell gave a dumb response in a dumb tone of voice. “Yeah, those shirts give me an excuse to look at girl’s boobs.” Heather pulled her attention away from the spot of light long enough to elbow Russell in the ribs.
David took a deep breath and began to explain. “The “Anything But Fern” slogan is so pervasive and so negative that no one named Fern has a realistic chance of winning the presidency. Even if Kurt was in no way related to Prescott and them sharing a last name was a coincidence he still would not win.”
Russell, like a stubborn child, said, “Well I still think he’d make the best president.”
David, annoyed but still making an effort to be civil, said, “It doesn’t matter how good he is, if he can’t get into office he won’t be able to use his abilities. It’s like if a guy was the greatest quarterback ever but never actually played quarterback.”
“What?” Obviously David’s attempt to speak to Russell’s level had gone over his head. Thankfully Heather tried to explain it to him again.
“It’s like if a nerd was really good at sex. Yes, he’s really good at something most people get a lot of pleasure from, but he’s a nerd so he’s never going to use those skills for his benefit.”
Russell understood this. He acknowledged that by saying, “Oh, I get it.”
Darren took back the mantle of control and said, “So that’s one candidate presented and one candidate shot down. Who wants to present their candidate next?”
Brent took this opportunity to present his candidate if only so that Russell would not present another one. “I submit that Gary Quagmire should be the Reptile’s nominee for Student Body President.”
Darren acknowledged Brent by saying, “Okay Mr. Dumas, the floor is yours.”
Brent took a second to compose himself. Russell took this opportunity to exclaim, “Get to it fag.”
Brent shot back, “Shut up you glorified granite sculled imbecile.”Brent took another second to compose himself then began. “Gary Quagmire is an often overlooked elite student at Allred High. He is a phenomenal student, 3.9 GPA since 7th grade. He is a gifted writer who maintains the influential Straightedge Chronicles in the Allred Times. He is a born leader, Vice President of the Clean Living Committee, a position he’s held since his sophomore year. Finally, Gary is a true Reptile who openly and often insults all Doves in all ways.”
The Reptiles that were gathered took a second to process Brent’s nomination and his reasoning behind it. No one spoke until Russell opened his boisterous idiotic mouth. “All I heard was “Gary is gay, blah blah blah, I want to suck his cock.”
Brent heard this and reacted angrily and uncontrolled. “Fuck you! Fuck you and you’re useless fucking head!”
Diane turned to Darren and asked, “Why did you invite Russell? His homophobia is really disruptive.”
Darren turned to Russell and calmly asked, “Russell, can you cut out they gay shit? It’s not really contributing to the process.”
Russell reacted like he usually does, angrily and obscenely. “Why the fuck should I?” Heather then grabbed by the collar, pulled him near her, and started whispering in his ear. After talking with him for a minute or so, Heather let Russell go. Russell looked totally transformed into a quiet more petulant person. He expressed this by saying, “I’ll be good. I won’t say anything homophobic.”
Diane started looking at Heather scornfully. Diane said, in an accusatory tone, “What did you, threaten to withhold sex from him?”
Russell responded, “Yes.”
Diane yelled, “You fetching slut!”
Heather responded, “Frigid bitch.” This caused the four openly hostile people to launch into another heated verbal exchange. Meanwhile David started to stare at Darren as if he was using telepathy to say, “How the fuck did this devolve into this?”
Darren stood up, angrily pounded his fists on the table, and said, “God damn you people! How the hell are the Reptiles supposed to get and maintain control if you people are constantly bickering like this? You people need to sit down, stop tearing each other down, and start actually contributing to what we’re trying to do!” The four bickering people sat back down, composed themselves, and at least tried to look like they were getting along. Darren then sat back down and said, “Can anyone make a reasoned argument why Gary Quagmire would not make a good president.”
David provided the last voice on this again. “I’m not going to argue that Gary wouldn’t make a good president, I’m going to argue that he can’t win.”
Darren said, “Okay, go on.”
David turned to Brent and said, “Gary was one of the people who were pushing for the Coke machines in the school to be removed, right?”
Brent answered, “Yes.”
David continued, “And one of his main arguments was that the consumption of caffeine doesn’t adhere to the straightedge lifestyle, and that the very presence of caffeinated beverages can lead good people down the wrong path.”
Brent responded, “Yeah, that was his basic reasoning. It’s not the reason why most people who were in favor of removing the Coke machines were in favor of it, but that was his reason.”
David continued, “And how does Gary respond when he sees a bottle of Coke?”
Brent answered, “Rage. Instant heated rage.”
David concluded, “And that is the problem. All a Dove has to do is bring a bottle of Coke to a debate, cause Gary to go into a rage, and win the debate no matter what was or wasn’t said beforehand.”
Diane asked, “Would a Dove really do that?”
David responded, “Absolutely. Doves may not look like it, but they are truly ruthless. They just project themselves as calm and reasonable to draw people in and make the Reptiles look bad.”
Darren capped this nomination, saying, “Okay, two nominees up and two nominees down. Who’s next?”
Diane took this opportunity to present her candidate. “I believe Jimmy Risepoor would make a superb candidate.”
Darren acknowledged this by saying, “Okay Miss Firestein, the floor is yours.”
Diane took a second to compose herself, this time thankfully not interrupted by Russell, and began, “Jimmy Risepoor is the leader of the Christian Leadership Council, a very influential group among the Reptiles. Jimmy’s position as leader of the Christian Leadership Council is one he has held since his first year of Junior High, a testament to his qualifications as a leader and to the strength of his spirit. Finally, Jimmy has an appeal that holds strong among the Reptiles and stretches into the Doves, giving him a broad base of appeal.”
The Reptiles that were gathered stood silent for a moment. Even Russell was quiet, although that could have easily been because of the threat of the withholding of sex. Darren took it upon himself to break the silence. “Well, if no one has any objections-“
“I do,” said David in a sternfull tone.
Darren acknowledged David by saying, “Okay David, what are your objections?”
David continues in his sternfull tone, “I can’t support Jimmy Risepoor because of the comments he made after the 8/28 Report came out.”
“What’s the 8/28 Report?” Russell asked, not knowing because the report had nothing to do with football.
David answered, “The 8/28 Report is the report given about the investigation into the attacks that happened early into President Fern’s term, on 8/28. It details who committed those attacks, how they did it, and why. After the 8/28 Report was made public Jimmy Risepoor released a statement praising the people who carried out the attacks and said it was unfortunate they didn’t actually hit the science lab.”
Everyone at the table turned toward Diane, each of them had an expression of their faces that was a mixture of shock and rage. Diane swallowed hard and said, “Yes, he did actually say that. Everyone was so wrapped up in blaming and persecuting the Goths that no one noticed”
The room remained silent, shocked at what one of their iconic leaders had said, until Darren said, “Okay, Jimmy Risepoor is out. That’s three candidates up and three candidates down. Heather, do you have a candidate in mind?”
Heather looked dumbstruck by this, well more than normal, and asked, “What about David. I’m sure he has a fine candidate to present.”
Darren shot back, “David is a strategy guy. When he is at competitions for the Debate Club he is able to make a convincing argument for any topic whether he believes it or not. He’s not here to present a candidate, he is here to craft a strategy for that candidate. So, Heather, do you have a candidate to present?”
Heather got this look on her face as if she had just fallen ill. “I don’t have a candidate to present. The reason why I accepted the invitation to come here tonight is that we could have sex on Darren’s parent’s king size bed.”
The entire table, except for David, then expressed their outrage at this comment. Brent because he feels his time is valuable, Diane because she objects to anyone unmarried having sex, Russell because this meant he was shut down for the night, and Darren expressed his outrage verbally by saying, “Are you kidding me! My parents don’t even have sex in that bed!” All this time David was trying to stifle a lurid smile that was inspired by the secret fantasies he had about Heather.
The outrage continued until Darren took control of the meeting back by saying, “Okay, let’s all get settled and be civil once again,” which the table promptly did. “I guess since I’m the last one who hasn’t presented, I’ll present my candidate. I nominate Jeremy Arizona to be the Reptile candidate to be Ralph W. Allred High School’s Student Body President. Jeremy is one of those guys who had held political office as far back as I can remember. I remember voting for him to be Vice-President of our third grade class. That was way before I knew what a Reptile was, yet alone that I was one. Arizona is a faithful member of the Catholic faith and, although he’s not perfect, tries to lead as clean of a lifestyle as he can. Jeremy is a baseball player, a high school academic All-American. Also, he’s dating a cheerleader, not the most attractive one but the one who most closely follows the Catholic faith. Jeremy Arizona is a person who had broad appeal among the Reptiles because he identifies with all of them. He is religious, straightedge, jock, and, because of his friendship with me, a prep. I believe Jeremy Arizona to be the best choice among the Reptiles for the nomination for Allred High Student Body President.”
A series of approving comment began to be expressed among the Reptiles gathered after this candidate was presented. It seemed as if Darren had presented a candidate that everyone agreed with, that appealed to everyone, that everyone thought was poised to become the next Student Body President at Ralph W. Allred High School. Everyone that is except that for David. While everyone else was lauding Darren and patting him on the back, David was silent. It was Darren that took note of this silence. “David, what do you think of Jeremy Arizona?”
David looked down at the long table that separated Darren and him for a second, then looked Darren in the eye and said, “I have no problem with Jeremy Arizona. I like you think he would make an excellent candidate and, under the right circumstances, would win the office of Student Body President. However, these aren’t the right circumstances. In fact, I don’t think that any Reptile can win the office of president for the upcoming school term.”
This response did not sit well with Darren. Darren’s expression turned from one of objective optimism to a resentment directed directly at David. “Okay David, why don’t you highly effectively shoot down another candidate?”
Either because he didn’t understand the sarcasm in Darren comment or because he was eager to do what Darren had said, David expediently got to work. “I mentioned earlier the prevalence of the phrase “Anything But Fern”. This had lead to a general repulsion toward anything Prescott Fern is connected with. His younger siblings, the clothes he wears, what he eats, the particular slang terms he uses, and most unfortunately for us the political group he’s affiliated with. When people think of the Reptiles they think of Fern. Fern has damaged the Reptile brand so badly that I don’t think any Reptile could win the presidency until all memory of Prescott Fern dissipates.”
This statement caused the rest of the Reptiles to grumble softly almost inaudibly. This grumbling ended when Russell said, “Well if you’re the one who’s supposed to have so many good ideas, do you have a fucking idea about what we should do then?” It’s a view that the others at the table had but didn’t have the guts to articulate. However, in saying what he had said, Russell had given David the opportunity to lay out his grand scheme.
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