Recently stories surfaces that claimed a merger was in the works between Microsoft and Electronic Arts. These stories led to an increase in the stock prices of both companies. Questions quickly arose about the validity of this story, the source behind it, and the motives therein. After some legal and illegal investigations done by the reporters at the Redertainment Corporation Of America, we have found the answer to those questions.
This is Gary Quagmire, known online as StraightedgerAFC. Gary is a video game fanatic. Gary doesn’t choose to express his fandom by purchasing every console under the sun. Nor does he have a delicately cataloged and preserved collection of every video game ever released. Mr. Quagmire collects stock. Gary Quagmire owns stock in every publicly traded video game company on Earth. From Square Enix to Take Two to Disney to Nintendo, everyone that is big, small, valuable, worthless, even bankrupt has Gary Quagmire as a shareholder. Upon hacking into his Etrade account, we learned that 57% of Gary Quagmire’s value in stock is wrapped up in Microsoft and Electronic Arts.
Gary Quagmire also maintains a blog entitled “THA STRAIGHTEDGERAFC ZONE!!1!!”. Mr. Quagmire’s blog posts have mostly been unremarkable. Long rambling rants about cheese, a request for help in finding his shoes, and short posts about how bored he is are the most significant things he posted about. That is until recently when Gary posted a blog entitles “EA/Microsoft Merger Inside Info”. In this post Gary quotes several industry insiders and several game industry executives about recent talks between Microsoft and Electronic Arts. It would appear as if this is the story that spurned the recent stories that were picked up by every gaming news site under the sun.
After talking with the persons sited in Mr. Quagmire’s story, it appears as if the story is entirely false. Peter Moore was quotes as saying, “Are you fucking shitting me?” So why did Gary post this story? Is Gary Quagmire just another jackass on the internet? No.
Gary’s recent Etrade activity includes the selling of some of his shares in Microsoft and Electronic Arts. This activity took place after the stock prices of both companies went up in response to the merger stories, stories he created. Fomenting stock prices in this manner is a very serious white-collar crime, one which Gary Quagmire appears to be guilty of.
We contacted the Securities and Exchange Commission about this possible crime. The only response we got was, “We will look into this right after we figure out why everyone is so hot and bothered about Bernard Madoff.” It is unknown what Gary Quagmire did with the profits from his recent stock market transactions. Although the most recent update on his Twitter feed was, “HOOK3R5 4|\|D B1O\/\/ FTW!”
R.C.O.A.: Insurrection In Your House!
Hunter Red walks into the offices of the Redertainment Corporation Of America. Immediately he sees a trail of muddy bootprints leading from the entrance to Seifer Kinneas’s office. Hunter walks over to Seifer’s office, pokes his head in and says-
Hunter- Seifer?
Seifer- Yes Hunter, what can I help you with?
H- I noticed the muddy footprints and-
S- Yes, I did some gardening this weekend and got my work boots muddied up pretty good.
H- Yes, well I’m sure the people who work for you would really appreciate you not tracking mud through the office.
Seifer stands up from his chair and bellows-
S- Are you criticizing me?
H- No, I’m just-
S- You are criticizing me! Insurrection! Insurrection! Insurrection!
Hunter, being thoroughly annoyed with Seifer’s antics, walks over to his office. Seifer continues to bellow “Insurrection!” the whole time. Hunter closes the door to his office, sits at his desk, pulls out a bottle of bourbon and a glass from his desk, and pours himself a glass. As Hunter goes to drink the bourbon, he turns and sees someone in a dark corner in his office. It’s a person dressed like V from V For Vendetta.
V- Hello Hunter. Is the time for revolution at hand?
H- Robin, I don’t know how you did that voice just now, but I’m really not up for role playing right now.
The person dressed as V takes off the mask and reveals that it is in fact Robin Anderson.
Robin- Why not? Does this getup not do it for you?
H- It’s not that. Seifer’s being a general dick and I’m just not up for dealing with him right now.
R- So what am I supposed to do now?
H- Take the cape off and go to work.
R- I can’t really do that.
H- Why, are you naked under there?
R- No.
Robin opens her cape and reveals-
R- I’m wearing sexy lingerie.
H- Sorry.
Robin sullenly walks out of Hunter’s office. As Robin is walking across the R.C.O.A. office Seifer says-
S- Hey Robin, what are ya, trying to redefine the office dress code?
Hunter looks at his bottle of bourbon and says-
H- Let’s see how effective a bottle of bourbon is as a blunt object.
Hunter grabs the bottle of bourbon by the neck, stands up, and storms over to Seifer’s office.
END SCENE
To The Douchebag With The Bad Hair…
I was taking the train into town, listening to the automated announcements, when I thought, “What would be the gaming equivalent of these announcements?” The following is what I came up with.
Just a reminder to all players on mic, your opponent does not want detailed information about their mother’s sex life.
Please note that in a normal civilized society it is not acceptable to use words of curse at a high rate of frequency.
To the guy in the upper right hand quadrant of the screen: I am aware of what a real mushroom looks like and what you are exhibiting is not it.
To the person currently on mic: Yes, Metallica does in fact rock. However, you do not need to prove that Metallica rocks by screaming lyrics to their songs at maximum volume.
Please note that the fact that I utterly dominate in an online environment is not a reason to question my sexual orientation.
To the person currently on mic: Persons who actually have entered into a romantic relationship with a person of the opposite gender do not need to proclaim such while playing Halo.
To the person in the upper left quadrant of the screen: I don’t know what exactly you are doing with your hands, but I’m reporting you.
To the person currently on mic: I won. Therefore I do not suck.
Just a reminder to all players: If you plan to play video games while nude, as a courtesy to your fellow players, please turn your vision camera off. Thank you.
Despite persistent internet rumors to the contrary, I will give you up, I will let you down, I will run around, and I definitely will desert you.
While I do comment you for not operating a motor vehicle in your current state, it is also unacceptable to play video games online while drunk or high.
Just a note, if your gamertag is comprised exclusively of leet speak, the only person who will expediently recognize your name is you.
In order to send an audio message over Live, you must first turn your microphone on.
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