This is part three of A Farcical Scheme. To understand this more fully, please read parts one and two. For those of you that have been following this, there will be a test at the end. Enjoy!
David rose from his chair, more as a dramatic move than anything else, took a deep breath, and said something that at the time was borderline heretical. “The first thing we should do is tank the election.”
This statement was met with open hostility. No better expressed than by Brent. “That’s political suicide.”
“No,” David sternly shot back. “The student body wants a Dove, any Dove. The right Dove, the wrong Dove, the Dove that happens to be around, they want a Dove. To deny the student body their Dove would be political suicide. So we need to tank the election, however we need to appear as if we’re putting up a fight.” David then motioned to Darren. “Darren, I like Jeremy Arizona as a candidate for this plan.”
Darren immediately shook his head. “No, I am not going to use my friend like this.”
David responded, “I know it’s wrong to use him like this, but who else is there? Every other candidate is repulsive to the student body in some way.”
Darren, continuing to defend his friend, said, “Then how are you going to tank the election then?”
David then put a tone in his voice that is used in the movies by the mastermind of a great heist. “We pair him with someone no one could bear to vote for. Someone who seems completely out of place in politics. Someone who could quickly rise up and just as quickly fall back down.”
Darren continued projecting open hostility toward David. “Who do you propose to fill that role?”
David turned to the still spaced out head cheerleader and said, “Heather, I can’t for the life of me remember her name, who’s the spacey brunette on the cheer team?”
Heather broke from her trance and said, “Claire.”
David knew Claire to be blonde. “No, the brunette.”
“Maria,” Heather responded confidently.
David knew Maria had brown hair and said, “No, the brunette”, placing emphasis on the last word.
“Oh, Cherry,” Heather responded in a cute/sexy way.
David knew that Barbara, otherwise known as Cherry, was called Cherry because she had red hair. David became annoyed because of this exchange and chose to express his annoyance. “Do you know what brunette means?”
A look of sad persecution came over Heather as she said, “Yeah, that she has big breasts.”
David laughed a little bit at this, as he usually does when he interacts with people he feels to be substantially dumber than he. “No, that’s not what it means, although the girl I’m referring to does in fact have a good sized pair. Brunette refers to someone who has black hair.”
A look of realization came over Heather as she said, “Oh, you mean Wasilla. Wasilla Patridge.”
David continued, “Yes Wasilla Patridge. We pair up Jeremy Arizona with Wasilla Patridge as his running mate, thereby guaranteeing a totally repulsive ticket from the Reptiles and giving the win to the Doves, no matter who they run against us.”
The Reptiles were skeptical toward David, none more so than Darren. It was he that expressed his skepticism. “Okay, so you’ve proposed using my friend to tank an election by saddling him with someone you clearly have a thing for. Is this the end of your plan or-“
David interjected, “No, it is not, because my plan doesn’t end when the election does, it goes into the next school year.”
The Reptiles were intrigued by this. This was perfectly expressed when Russell said, “I’m intrigued by this.”
Darren, still harboring resentment from the proposal to use his friend, said to David, “Well, it had better be a damn good plan.”
David replied, “It is. Phase Two of my plan will begin on the day the school year starts.” David then motioned to Brent. “Brent, we’re going to need the help of the person you presented with this.”
Brent cautiously replied, “Gary Quagmire?”
David shot back, “Yes, and not just him. We’re also going to need the help of some of his friends on the school newspaper. I’m talking William O’Sullivan, Ronald Limb, Matthew Severe, and Leonard Jobs. These writers, these opinionists, these pundits will represent the majority.”
Diane chimed in, “But they aren’t the majority. They are outnumbered by the likes of Markus Neil Baucus, James Daily, and Stanley Jansen.”
Daniel quickly responded, “But they represent the vocal minority. They are the most obnoxiously boisterous people at the paper and the audience they reach are themselves loud and obnoxious. They’re like Russell but not restricted by the need for sexual gratification.”
Those gathered then looked at Russell, waiting for him to respond, but not being offended by it all Russell said was, “What?”
Brent then turned to address David. “Okay, so Quagmire, Limb, O’Sullivan, Severe, and Jobs are going to pool their efforts, and say what?”
David replied, “Anything. Anything, anyway, anyhow, any any, just as long as it is contrary to the new Dove president. What he does, what he wears, what he thinks, even stuff that is completely made up, criticize the president on absolutely everything.”
Darren, still skeptical of David, said, “But won’t people think we’re insane and just being contrary to the new president because he’s a Dove?”
David replied, “That’s the exact impression we want. We want to keep pushing that we’re insane and just illogically contrary, and once people suspect that we keep on pushing and pushing and pushing until the point that when anyone thinks of the Reptiles they think of rabid illogical insanity.”
Diane then asked a very important question. “Why would we want people to think that of us? Don’t we want people to think positively of us?”
David had a reply for that answer ready. “We will. The Reptiles will have a positive image, eventually. However, before we do that, we need to make people forget about Prescott Fern. We need to create an impression that completely overshadows any lasting impression people still have of Prescott Fern and his connection to the Reptiles.”
David had started to win the gathered Reptiles over but they were still apprehensive. Darren summed up the feeling of those at the table when he said, “So we create an environment where we completely overshadow Prescott Fern by making the Reptiles appear absolutely bat shit crazy. Then what?”
David then adopted a tone that sounded more like a movie trailer announcer and laid out the final part of his scheme. “Then a candidate will appear that is a Reptile but at the same time isn’t.” At this point the table was struck with this look like they had no idea what David meant by what he just said. David continues, “A candidate will appear that is calm, reasonable, and level headed compared to the insane identity that the Reptiles are defined by at that point. This candidate will appeal to students who still like what the Reptiles stand for but are repulsed by the insanity that has infected them. He’ll also appeal to those who are repulsed by the insane identity and hope the candidate will root out that influence among the Reptiles. Finally, in addition to the Reptiles who will vote for any Reptile regardless of identity, this candidate will appeal to a small minority of Doves who are tired of their current Dove president. This will give us a great chance of winning the election that will occur at the end of the next school year.”
The Reptiles that were gathered were stunned by this. David had done something that had failed to do: Present a plan that could possible work. Darren felt the need to comment on this plan. “David, that plan is a marvel, something that you should really be proud of. However, your plan would never work.” Darren also felt the need to crap all over David’s plan.
Deflated, David asked, “Why?”
Darren, whose motives at the time were either the preservation of the organization known as the Reptiles or crushing the plan of someone who had crushed his, answered David’s question of why. “A plan that intricate would require all of the Reptiles to work together as one. This would require an eye simple to the goal, a collective mindset, and other things we simply aren’t capable of.”
Now David was hostile toward Darren. “Why do you think that is? Why do you think the Reptiles can’t come together for the common good?”
Rather than reflect the anger, Darren responded calmly and coolly. “Well, we gathered here are supposed to represent the best of the Reptiles, and what happened? We nearly got into a fight. We can’t even get along for one night, how are we supposed to get along for an entire year?”
What Darren said was true. The plan that David had proposed required one critical element. Unity, and the Reptiles simply didn’t have that. Dejected from his denial, David fell back into his chair in a heap.
All that was left was for Darren to wrap up this failure of a strategy meeting. “So there we have it. Four candidates and one plan presented, and all of it ultimately rejected. This is a pretty depressing failure on our part.”
It was Heather who asked an important question at that moment. “What do we do now?”
Darren, with a deep sense of resignation in his voice, said, “We take a week, brainstorm some new candidates, and meet back here again,” and with that the Reptiles dispersed and the meeting was over.
This ends the account of the meeting that took place among the Reptiles. The person who wrote this account didn’t go to any subsequent meetings involving the Reptiles, and just generally checked out of high school politics in general. The Reptiles ended up losing the election and losing it hard. One would assume the Reptiles would end up losing influence for years to come but history is a largely deemphasized concept at Allred High. It would be interesting to find out what would have happened if the Reptiles had followed the plan that David Meriwether had proposed.