In the port known as Network, controlled by the high and mighty Fascist Control Corporation, there are four big ships. Sure there are little ships that dart in and out of the port known as Network, but those ships rarely matter. These four ships are The Tiffany, The Mickey, The Bart, and The Fraiser. What follows is the story of The Fraiser and its captain, known only as Captain Jeff.
Our story begins in the office of Captain Jeff on board The Fraiser. Captain Jeff is contemplating some hard decisions when his assistant, Liz, enters his office.
Liz- Captain Jeff, the owner of The Fraiser is here to see you.
Captain Jeff- Good, let him in.
The owner of The Fraiser, Gary Edwards, enters Captain Jeff’s office.
Gary Edwards- Captain Jeff.
CJ- Mr. Edwards, a pleasure to see you sir.
GE- Well, this isn’t a pleasure visit Jeffery.
CJ- Okay, what is this about?
GE- I’ve sold The Fraiser.
There is a short pause.
CJ- You’ve sold The Fraiser?
GE- Yes.
CJ- May I ask to whom?
GE- Commandant Castman.
CJ- Oh. I hear he’s good.
GE- He is.
CJ- And he knows how to pilot his own ship.
GE- He does. Well, I’m getting out of here. Good luck.
Gary Edwards sprints out of Captain Jeff’s office and off The Fraiser. Liz reenters Captain Jeff’s office and says-
Liz- Sir, is there anything I can do for you?
Captain Jeff is visibly shaken at the news that The Fraiser has been sold. He collects himself and says-
CJ- Can you get Nick and Jay to come to my office?
Liz- Yes sir.
Liz leaves Captain Jeff’s office, leaving him alone. Then another person enters.
Nick- Captain Jeff, you called for me sir?
CJ- Nick, you’re in charge of one of the sections of the ship’s prime sections, right. The sections where everybody hangs out?
N- Yes I am sir.
CJ- And you will do anything I ask?
N- Yes sir.
Captain Jeff starts fishing around under his desk. Captain Jeff pulls out a red metal container with the word “GAS” painted on it. Captain Jeff throws the container to Nick and says-
CJ- Here’s a can of gasoline. Open it up and start pouring it out on the prime sections of the ship.
N- But isn’t spreading gasoline around a ship a bad idea?
Captain Jeff reaches into his desk drawer, pulls out a pistol, and points it at Nick.
CJ- Yes, but not doing what I say is also a bad idea. At least, for you it is.
Nick leaves Captain Jeff’s office, gas can in hand. Liz enters Captain Jeff’s office and says-
Liz- Jay is here to see you.
Jay enters Captain Jeff’s office. Liz remains in Captain Jeff’s office.
Jay- Yes sir, you wanted to see me sir.
Captain Jeff fishes under his desk, pulls out another gas can, throws it to Jay, and says-
CJ- Take this and start pouring out the contents onto our late night crewman party stage.
J- Yes sir, Captain Jeff sir.
Jay goes to leave but Liz stops him.
Liz- Wait a minute. Sir, I think that’s a bad idea. The crewmen really enjoy the late night crewman party stage. It’s been a tradition nearly as long as The Fraiser has been commissioned and it would be a real tragedy to lose it.
CJ- And?
Liz- And that red headed kid, The Barbarian, is currently performing on that stage.
A smile comes across Captain Jeff’s face.
CJ- Hey Jay.
J- Yes sir, boss sir.
Captain Jeff fishes under his desk, pulls out another gas can, and throws it to Jay.
CJ- Pour that one exclusively on that unworthy ginger fuck, will ya.
J- Will do sir.
Jay darts off to do what Captain Jeff directed him to. Captain Jeff starts digging around in one of the boxes on his desk. He pulls out of this box a cigar and a lighter. As Captain Jeff walks out of his office, Liz says to him-
Liz- Captain Jeff, are you sure you know what you’re doing?
CJ- Liz, I know exactly what I’m doing.
Captain Jeff walks out of to the deck of The Fraiser, approaches the side facing the port, and just stares out into space. Nick is seen pouring the gasoline on the prime parts of the ship and Jay is seen joyfully pouring the gasoline over the head of The Barbarian. As Captain Jeff continues to stare out into space, a guy is seen in the port running toward The Fraiser. They guy stays off ship and begins to yell at Captain Jeff.
Guy- Hey! What are you doing?
CJ- Who are you?
Guy- Commandant Castman.
CJ- Oh. Well, Mister Castman, I’m burning down your ship.
Commandant Castman- Why?
CJ- I’m out of a job one you take over, so fuck it.
Captain Jeff sparks his lighter, lights his cigar, and holds out the still light lighter for Commandant Castman to see.
CC- No, you can’t burn down my ship.
CJ- Watch me.
Captain Jeff drops the lighter on The Fraiser and the ship erupts in flames. All of the sailors on The Fraiser, except for Jay, begins to evacuate The Fraiser, fearing for their very existence. The last image seen is Captain Jeff smoking his cigar as the ship he is tasked to take care of slowly sinks into the sea. The last thing Captain Jeff says is-
CJ- I think I did a really good job being captain of The Fraiser.
****- The Sexiest Interviewer In The Italian Senate
Assassin’s Creed 2 Review
There are two games that were released last year that many people said were very similar but I have different overall opinions of. Those games are Prototype and Infamous. My opinions of these games seem to hinge on one thing: Getting from point to point in the cities these games take place in.
I love getting around in Prototype. Running around on the city streets for miles and miles without stopping, plowing through huge groups of people like they were a stack of cardboard boxes, and scaling the side of giant skyscrapers with relative ease all add to the overall freedom of movement in this game. However my favorite part of getting around in this game is the drifting. Jumping off the top of the skyscraper and gliding through the air over several city blocks appeals to me on a basic level. There are times while I was playing Prototype where I wasn’t doing anything in particular, just drifting around this obvious copy of New York City.
I had nearly the exact opposite experience getting around the city while playing Infamous. First of all, you can’t run very fast in this game, so running down the city streets is rather tedious. You’re better off going the direct way, which involves scaling buildings. Not running head on up the side of a building like I was a Jamaican sprinter, but having to find foot holds and hand holds on ledges, masonry, access ladders, and flag poles to drive yourself upward and onward. This isn’t a bad thing, in fact having to find your way like this when faced with time constraints and certain death can be a refreshing challenge.
The problem comes with the henchmen that are sent after you. On every rooftop, every billboard, every outdoor garden in this city sit these enemies in red hoods. Most henchmen in video games aren’t that much of a threat and neither are these except for one thing. These henchmen are brilliant skillshots. It doesn’t matter if you’re three feet away, or three buildings away, if these henchmen spot you they will shoot you, and they will always hit you. These henchmen ruined Infamous for me. Whenever I wasn’t actively playing out a mission, these henchmen would pop up and slowly drain my health away. There came a point where I could choose to either meticulously go through this city and eliminate these henchmen or just endure them and neither option really appealed to me.
Assassin’s Creed 2 has the same kind of building climbing mechanic that Infamous has but also incorporate something Prototype has: freedom. Yes there are henchmen in AC2 but most henchmen stay on the ground and are rather easy to elude if you go vertical. Even the rooftops henchmen you do encounter are easily dispatched. While you can’t fly over several city blocks like you can in Prototype, you can scale up beautifully recreated pieces of Italian architecture that evoke a similar response in another part of the brain.
The free running mechanic is what Assassin’s Creed 2 is built on and this mechanic is pulled off masterfully. I do wish the fighting mechanic was a bit more polished, but perhaps that is something Ubisoft will work on for AC3.
Assassin’s Creed 2: B+
Hunter Red For Senate In 2030
Hunter Red is sitting in his office working on Project Carole when his phone starts to ring. Hunter picks up the phone and says-
Hunter- Hello.
Voice On Phone- He Hunter, this is Crystal Motoko from SLCMetropolitan. Do you remember meeting me at the charity dinner for the Kinneas Medical Institute?
H- The only person I remember meeting at that dinner is the bartender. The rest of the night is a blur.
Crystal- Well, I’m calling in regards to our Sexiest Man in Salt Lake issue.
H- Do you want me to write up a piece for it?
C- No. We took a poll in our office and you were found to be the sexiest man in Salt Lake.
There is a short pause.
H- Did Robin put you up to this?
C- Who?
H- Robin, my girlfriend.
C- You have a girlfriend?
H- Yes, I talk about her on my blog.
C- You have a blog?
There is a short pause.
H- So, SLCMetropolitan is seriously going to name me the sexiest man in Salt Lake.
C- Yes.
H- Because your staff believe I am the sexiest man in Salt Lake.
C- No.
H- So why are you giving me this title?
C- We want to start grooming you.
There is a short pause.
H- Like a monkey?
C- (Laughs lightly) Oh goodness no. We want to start preparing you for political office.
H- What, Satirist is Chef?
C- No, senate.
H- The Utah State Senate?
C- No, the US Senate. We think you would be ideal to replace Orrin Hatch when he retires in 2030.
H- You think he’s going to live that long?
C- With the advances pioneered by the Kinneas Medical Institute, yes. So, you up for revealing your hot body to the women of the world?
H- I don’t think you’re up for it.
C- Why?
Hunter places his hand over the phone and says-
H- Robin.
Robin- (At her desk outside in the common area of the R.C.O.A. office) Yes?
H- Do you have those nude photos of me you took.
R- Yes I do.
H- Do you have Crystal Motoko’s email address?
R- Yeah, why do you ask?
H- Could you send a nude photo of me to Crystal. I’m on the phone with her about SLCMetropolitan’s Sexiest Man in Salt Lake issue.
There is a short pause.
R- Do you want me to sent the one that does or does not show your junk?
H- Not.
R- Okay, I’m doing that now.
Hunter takes his hand off his phone and starts talking to Crystal again.
H- Okay, Crystal should be sending you a nude photo of myself now.
C- Okay, let me go check and see- Ah there it is.
There is a short pause as Crystal reads the email.
C- (In an obviously shocked tone) Oh. Oh dear. That’s not- I mean- That’s simply- (Dry heaving noise) Get it away!
A dial tone is heard signifying that Crystal has hung up the phone.
H- That’s what I thought her reaction would be.
Hunter goes back to work. He picks the newspaper and says-
H- Looks like Scott Brown has done good for himself.
END SCENE
Patrick Klepek = Chris Wallace?
People have been critical of Fox News’s interview style. People have said it’s too conciliatory, not in any way aggressive, and generally kind of suckupish. There are people who will argue that this journalism style is contained to Fox News and does not occur in any other media source. I submit this video as evidence to the contrary.
Red Tweets About Team Conan
Conan went out like the true class act that he is. It takes a truly strong man to not be bitter in his situation. #TeamConan Sat, Jan 23, 0005
I don't believe in saying goodbye, so I'll say see you later Conan. Be it September, 2011, or whenever, definately see you later. #TeamConan Sat, Jan 23, 0006
Also, hello Letterman. #TeamLetterman Sat, Jan 23, 0006
There are two games that were released last year that many people said were very similar but I have different overall opinions of. Those games are Prototype and Infamous. My opinions of these games seem to hinge on one thing: Getting from point to point in the cities these games take place in.
I love getting around in Prototype. Running around on the city streets for miles and miles without stopping, plowing through huge groups of people like they were a stack of cardboard boxes, and scaling the side of giant skyscrapers with relative ease all add to the overall freedom of movement in this game. However my favorite part of getting around in this game is the drifting. Jumping off the top of the skyscraper and gliding through the air over several city blocks appeals to me on a basic level. There are times while I was playing Prototype where I wasn’t doing anything in particular, just drifting around this obvious copy of New York City.
I had nearly the exact opposite experience getting around the city while playing Infamous. First of all, you can’t run very fast in this game, so running down the city streets is rather tedious. You’re better off going the direct way, which involves scaling buildings. Not running head on up the side of a building like I was a Jamaican sprinter, but having to find foot holds and hand holds on ledges, masonry, access ladders, and flag poles to drive yourself upward and onward. This isn’t a bad thing, in fact having to find your way like this when faced with time constraints and certain death can be a refreshing challenge.
The problem comes with the henchmen that are sent after you. On every rooftop, every billboard, every outdoor garden in this city sit these enemies in red hoods. Most henchmen in video games aren’t that much of a threat and neither are these except for one thing. These henchmen are brilliant skillshots. It doesn’t matter if you’re three feet away, or three buildings away, if these henchmen spot you they will shoot you, and they will always hit you. These henchmen ruined Infamous for me. Whenever I wasn’t actively playing out a mission, these henchmen would pop up and slowly drain my health away. There came a point where I could choose to either meticulously go through this city and eliminate these henchmen or just endure them and neither option really appealed to me.
Assassin’s Creed 2 has the same kind of building climbing mechanic that Infamous has but also incorporate something Prototype has: freedom. Yes there are henchmen in AC2 but most henchmen stay on the ground and are rather easy to elude if you go vertical. Even the rooftops henchmen you do encounter are easily dispatched. While you can’t fly over several city blocks like you can in Prototype, you can scale up beautifully recreated pieces of Italian architecture that evoke a similar response in another part of the brain.
The free running mechanic is what Assassin’s Creed 2 is built on and this mechanic is pulled off masterfully. I do wish the fighting mechanic was a bit more polished, but perhaps that is something Ubisoft will work on for AC3.
Assassin’s Creed 2: B+
Hunter Red For Senate In 2030
Hunter Red is sitting in his office working on Project Carole when his phone starts to ring. Hunter picks up the phone and says-
Hunter- Hello.
Voice On Phone- He Hunter, this is Crystal Motoko from SLCMetropolitan. Do you remember meeting me at the charity dinner for the Kinneas Medical Institute?
H- The only person I remember meeting at that dinner is the bartender. The rest of the night is a blur.
Crystal- Well, I’m calling in regards to our Sexiest Man in Salt Lake issue.
H- Do you want me to write up a piece for it?
C- No. We took a poll in our office and you were found to be the sexiest man in Salt Lake.
There is a short pause.
H- Did Robin put you up to this?
C- Who?
H- Robin, my girlfriend.
C- You have a girlfriend?
H- Yes, I talk about her on my blog.
C- You have a blog?
There is a short pause.
H- So, SLCMetropolitan is seriously going to name me the sexiest man in Salt Lake.
C- Yes.
H- Because your staff believe I am the sexiest man in Salt Lake.
C- No.
H- So why are you giving me this title?
C- We want to start grooming you.
There is a short pause.
H- Like a monkey?
C- (Laughs lightly) Oh goodness no. We want to start preparing you for political office.
H- What, Satirist is Chef?
C- No, senate.
H- The Utah State Senate?
C- No, the US Senate. We think you would be ideal to replace Orrin Hatch when he retires in 2030.
H- You think he’s going to live that long?
C- With the advances pioneered by the Kinneas Medical Institute, yes. So, you up for revealing your hot body to the women of the world?
H- I don’t think you’re up for it.
C- Why?
Hunter places his hand over the phone and says-
H- Robin.
Robin- (At her desk outside in the common area of the R.C.O.A. office) Yes?
H- Do you have those nude photos of me you took.
R- Yes I do.
H- Do you have Crystal Motoko’s email address?
R- Yeah, why do you ask?
H- Could you send a nude photo of me to Crystal. I’m on the phone with her about SLCMetropolitan’s Sexiest Man in Salt Lake issue.
There is a short pause.
R- Do you want me to sent the one that does or does not show your junk?
H- Not.
R- Okay, I’m doing that now.
Hunter takes his hand off his phone and starts talking to Crystal again.
H- Okay, Crystal should be sending you a nude photo of myself now.
C- Okay, let me go check and see- Ah there it is.
There is a short pause as Crystal reads the email.
C- (In an obviously shocked tone) Oh. Oh dear. That’s not- I mean- That’s simply- (Dry heaving noise) Get it away!
A dial tone is heard signifying that Crystal has hung up the phone.
H- That’s what I thought her reaction would be.
Hunter goes back to work. He picks the newspaper and says-
H- Looks like Scott Brown has done good for himself.
END SCENE
Patrick Klepek = Chris Wallace?
People have been critical of Fox News’s interview style. People have said it’s too conciliatory, not in any way aggressive, and generally kind of suckupish. There are people who will argue that this journalism style is contained to Fox News and does not occur in any other media source. I submit this video as evidence to the contrary.
Red Tweets About Team Conan
Conan went out like the true class act that he is. It takes a truly strong man to not be bitter in his situation. #TeamConan Sat, Jan 23, 0005
I don't believe in saying goodbye, so I'll say see you later Conan. Be it September, 2011, or whenever, definately see you later. #TeamConan Sat, Jan 23, 0006
Also, hello Letterman. #TeamLetterman Sat, Jan 23, 0006
****- How To Offend People And Get Sued
**** Kite
A man and his son are in a park flying kites on a breezy day. Father and son are having a good time, especially the father because he’s away from the mother. The son looks up into the sky at the many kites in the sky and focuses on one in particular.
Son- Dad?
Father- Yes son.
Son- What is that kite?
The son points to one kite. The father looks at the kite and is visibly disgusted by it. The father hands the son the end of the kite string and says-
Father- Son, hold on to this for me. I’ll be right back.
The father follows the kite string of the kite in question back to the person flying it. The father walks over to the person flying the kite in order to talk to him.
Father- Excuse me?
Hunter Red- Yes?
F- I want to ask you about your kite.
H- I know, isn’t it lovely. It’s quite a nice day for flying a kite, wouldn’t you agree?
F- Are you sure the kite that you’re flying is appropriate?
H- What do you mean?
F- I mean, I look at your flag and that’s just obscene. I don’t want my son looking at that.
H- I doubt he knows what that even means. I didn’t know what that meant until a couple of years ago.
F- Well, I’d prefer that you not fly that kite.
H- You’re not my father, you son’s over there getting all tangled up in the kite string.
The son is all tangled up in the kite string. The father darts over to tend to his son as Hunter continues to fly his kite. The camera is behind Hunter and slowly pans up to show Hunter kite. It’s a simple black flag with white letters on it spelling out the word “CLIT”.
THE END
Quiz Show #2
Jeff Zucker
On a darkened stage, illuminated only by the flashing lights on a raised platform, two figures are seen sitting. Then an overblown light display and bad instrumental music is triggered ending with the two men being seen on the raised platform. As evidenced by the overblown light display and bad instrumental music, this is a game show.
Hunter- Hello and welcome once again to the 987.4 Million Dollar Question. I am your host Hunter Red. We’ll meet our contestant in a moment, but first, here’s a word from out sponsor.
H- And we’re back to the 987.4 Million Dollar Question. Our contestant is Jeffery Zucker. Mr. Zucker is the president and CEO of NBC Universal, his hobbies include beekeeping and phrenology. Jeffery, it’s a pleasure to have you.
Jeffery Zucker- Hello, I hate you.
H- Okay. Before we move on with the game, Robin, tell us who is supplying the prize for us tonight.
Robin- (Off camera) The Transportation Safety Administration, because I sued the pants off the guy who groped me.
H- Really? You got that much that quickly from the government.
R- I threatened to go public.
H- But I wrote about it on my blog.
R- No one reads your blog dear.
H- Okay. Well Mr. Zucker, 987.4 Million Dollars is a lot of money, what do you plan to do with that if you win?
Jeffery Zucker- I plan to buy Conan O’Brien out of his contract.
H- Really? Any particular reason why?
J- Because I have grown weary of fucking around with that unworthy ginger pest and I want to be rid of him, like I want to be rid of all gingers, including yourself Hunter. By the way, your shirt looks horrid. Who dressed you, a blind ginger moron?
H- Actually, my girlfriend bought me this shirt.
J- Then she must be a complete whore.
Robin walks on camera and slaps Jeffery Zucker.
H- Thank you. Jeffery, now that we’ve met you, we’re nearly ready to start the game, but first I must go over the rules.
J- Must you, you defective swine.
H- Yes. I will give you one question. In order to win the prize, you must answer this question correctly.
J- Just one question?
H- Yes.
J- That seems like an easy game. Did you create it?
H- Yes.
J- It shows.
H- Fuck you. Now to begin the 987.4 Million Dollar Question!
The overblown light display is triggered, leaving Hunter and Jeffery sitting on the platform under a spotlight.
H- Jeffery, which of these is a good idea: A: Eating a complete balanced diet, filled with whole grains, fresh fruits and vegetables, and conservative amounts of meat and fats. Or B: Slamming your penis in a car door.
Jeffery Zucker thinks about this question for a second.
J- Just to clarify, you said FRESH fruits and vegetables?
H- Yes.
J- And you said YOUR penis?
H- Yes.
J- As in your short, stubby, syphilitic ginger penis?
H- No, that’s “your” penis as in you, Jeffery Zucker, your penis.
Jeffery Zucker thinks about the question again.
J- I’m going to go with B.
A sound signifying a wrong answer is played.
H- No, I’m sorry. We were looking for A: Eating a complete balanced diet, filled with whole grains, fresh fruits and vegetables, and-
J- I call bullshit you waste of genetic material.
H- Why?
J- Both answers are correct!
H- No, the answer is A.
J- I believe B is also a good idea. I want my prize.
H- No, you lost.
J- Why? Explain to me why slamming your penis in a car door is a bad idea? Explain it to me with your inferior ginger brain.
Hunter takes a deep breath and says-
H- The male sexual organ, while a resilient piece of anatomy, is fragile. Slamming your penis into any hard surface, be it a rock, a heavy book, or a clear glass coffee table, could result in an injury to the penis. Also usually cars rest in public locations. Therefore slamming your penis in a car door would, more often than not, involve you exposing yourself in a public setting, which is a felony in many jurisdictions.
Jeffery Zucker takes a minute to digest what Hunter said, and says-
J- You know what, fuck you! I didn’t want your ginger money anyways. It’s probably infected with your ginger AIDS.
Jeffery Zucker storms off the stage.
H- Well, that’s the end of the game. I appreciate Jeffery Zucker for being here, and if security would rough him up on the way out, I’d appreciate that as well.
Robin- (Off camera) I have a bat you can use.
H- That’s all the time we have for the 987.4 Million Dollar Question. I am Hunter Red, reminding you that if your piss of one of us, we’ll all come for you. See you next time.
The overblown light display and bad instrumental music is triggered as the credits roll over the screen. As the overblown light display continues, Hunter is seen going into a full blown seizure. Robin is seen attending to Hunter as the scene ends.
THE END
A man and his son are in a park flying kites on a breezy day. Father and son are having a good time, especially the father because he’s away from the mother. The son looks up into the sky at the many kites in the sky and focuses on one in particular.
Son- Dad?
Father- Yes son.
Son- What is that kite?
The son points to one kite. The father looks at the kite and is visibly disgusted by it. The father hands the son the end of the kite string and says-
Father- Son, hold on to this for me. I’ll be right back.
The father follows the kite string of the kite in question back to the person flying it. The father walks over to the person flying the kite in order to talk to him.
Father- Excuse me?
Hunter Red- Yes?
F- I want to ask you about your kite.
H- I know, isn’t it lovely. It’s quite a nice day for flying a kite, wouldn’t you agree?
F- Are you sure the kite that you’re flying is appropriate?
H- What do you mean?
F- I mean, I look at your flag and that’s just obscene. I don’t want my son looking at that.
H- I doubt he knows what that even means. I didn’t know what that meant until a couple of years ago.
F- Well, I’d prefer that you not fly that kite.
H- You’re not my father, you son’s over there getting all tangled up in the kite string.
The son is all tangled up in the kite string. The father darts over to tend to his son as Hunter continues to fly his kite. The camera is behind Hunter and slowly pans up to show Hunter kite. It’s a simple black flag with white letters on it spelling out the word “CLIT”.
THE END
Quiz Show #2
Jeff Zucker
On a darkened stage, illuminated only by the flashing lights on a raised platform, two figures are seen sitting. Then an overblown light display and bad instrumental music is triggered ending with the two men being seen on the raised platform. As evidenced by the overblown light display and bad instrumental music, this is a game show.
Hunter- Hello and welcome once again to the 987.4 Million Dollar Question. I am your host Hunter Red. We’ll meet our contestant in a moment, but first, here’s a word from out sponsor.
H- And we’re back to the 987.4 Million Dollar Question. Our contestant is Jeffery Zucker. Mr. Zucker is the president and CEO of NBC Universal, his hobbies include beekeeping and phrenology. Jeffery, it’s a pleasure to have you.
Jeffery Zucker- Hello, I hate you.
H- Okay. Before we move on with the game, Robin, tell us who is supplying the prize for us tonight.
Robin- (Off camera) The Transportation Safety Administration, because I sued the pants off the guy who groped me.
H- Really? You got that much that quickly from the government.
R- I threatened to go public.
H- But I wrote about it on my blog.
R- No one reads your blog dear.
H- Okay. Well Mr. Zucker, 987.4 Million Dollars is a lot of money, what do you plan to do with that if you win?
Jeffery Zucker- I plan to buy Conan O’Brien out of his contract.
H- Really? Any particular reason why?
J- Because I have grown weary of fucking around with that unworthy ginger pest and I want to be rid of him, like I want to be rid of all gingers, including yourself Hunter. By the way, your shirt looks horrid. Who dressed you, a blind ginger moron?
H- Actually, my girlfriend bought me this shirt.
J- Then she must be a complete whore.
Robin walks on camera and slaps Jeffery Zucker.
H- Thank you. Jeffery, now that we’ve met you, we’re nearly ready to start the game, but first I must go over the rules.
J- Must you, you defective swine.
H- Yes. I will give you one question. In order to win the prize, you must answer this question correctly.
J- Just one question?
H- Yes.
J- That seems like an easy game. Did you create it?
H- Yes.
J- It shows.
H- Fuck you. Now to begin the 987.4 Million Dollar Question!
The overblown light display is triggered, leaving Hunter and Jeffery sitting on the platform under a spotlight.
H- Jeffery, which of these is a good idea: A: Eating a complete balanced diet, filled with whole grains, fresh fruits and vegetables, and conservative amounts of meat and fats. Or B: Slamming your penis in a car door.
Jeffery Zucker thinks about this question for a second.
J- Just to clarify, you said FRESH fruits and vegetables?
H- Yes.
J- And you said YOUR penis?
H- Yes.
J- As in your short, stubby, syphilitic ginger penis?
H- No, that’s “your” penis as in you, Jeffery Zucker, your penis.
Jeffery Zucker thinks about the question again.
J- I’m going to go with B.
A sound signifying a wrong answer is played.
H- No, I’m sorry. We were looking for A: Eating a complete balanced diet, filled with whole grains, fresh fruits and vegetables, and-
J- I call bullshit you waste of genetic material.
H- Why?
J- Both answers are correct!
H- No, the answer is A.
J- I believe B is also a good idea. I want my prize.
H- No, you lost.
J- Why? Explain to me why slamming your penis in a car door is a bad idea? Explain it to me with your inferior ginger brain.
Hunter takes a deep breath and says-
H- The male sexual organ, while a resilient piece of anatomy, is fragile. Slamming your penis into any hard surface, be it a rock, a heavy book, or a clear glass coffee table, could result in an injury to the penis. Also usually cars rest in public locations. Therefore slamming your penis in a car door would, more often than not, involve you exposing yourself in a public setting, which is a felony in many jurisdictions.
Jeffery Zucker takes a minute to digest what Hunter said, and says-
J- You know what, fuck you! I didn’t want your ginger money anyways. It’s probably infected with your ginger AIDS.
Jeffery Zucker storms off the stage.
H- Well, that’s the end of the game. I appreciate Jeffery Zucker for being here, and if security would rough him up on the way out, I’d appreciate that as well.
Robin- (Off camera) I have a bat you can use.
H- That’s all the time we have for the 987.4 Million Dollar Question. I am Hunter Red, reminding you that if your piss of one of us, we’ll all come for you. See you next time.
The overblown light display and bad instrumental music is triggered as the credits roll over the screen. As the overblown light display continues, Hunter is seen going into a full blown seizure. Robin is seen attending to Hunter as the scene ends.
THE END
****- The Dark Humor Of Distict 9's Religious Podcasts
Red Finds Religion (No, I am not high)
I know that for years I have publically declared myself to be an Atheist. This is because I am an Atheist. However, despite being an Atheist, I still go to church. I know church and atheism don’t exactly mix but neither does Rammstein and Jack Johnson, except to me.
There’s one particular church I’ve been going to for many years now. There are many branches of this church nationwide and I’m fairly sure you’ve been in or at least drove past one if not many. I started going to the branch of this church that was located in downtown Salt Lake City. It was on my way to work, it was in a good location, and the air conditioning in this branch was top notch. I soon found that there was another branch closer to my home, but that branch wasn’t convenient to me so I kept going to the branch downtown.
Eventually I stopped going to that branch for two reasons. One: My work moved to a different location and my commute no longer took me downtown. Two: The powers that be decided to demolish two city blocks, including the location of the branch I was going to. I tried going to the branch near my house but another powers that be decided to do away with that branch. The nearest branch of my church to me required a lengthy drive to get there. I still went but only on holidays and when I felt really bad about myself.
Then I learned there was a branch closer to my home, and I was happy. I went there often, really quite often, and gained a greater and more complete connection with my church. Then I learned that a building down the street from my house was being converted into a branch of my church and I was euphoric. In my euphoria a question came to my mind: Is it correct to call individual locations of my church “branches”? I posed this question to the manager of the church location I currently frequent. Her response:
“This isn’t a church, it’s a Chick-Fil-A restaurant.”
The Ultimate Fuck You
Since its inclusion, people have been wondering why a demo for God Of War 3 was included in the Blu-ray release of District 9. These questions have honestly astounded me as the answer is one that came to me quite easily. Allow me now to explain why the God Of War 3 demo was included with District 9.
Upon the death of the Peter Jackson produced Halo movie project, the seed money for that project was directed toward another project director Neil Blomkaph(?) wanted to do. That was District 9.
District 9 was released by Tristar Pictures, which is owned by Sony. Halo, for the uninitiated, is a franchise exclusive to the Xbox 360 and is owned by Microsoft. Microsoft and Sony are rivals, at least as far as video games goes.
District 9 made over $200 Million at the box office, for Sony. It could be reasonably said that Sony took the seed money from a failed Microsoft property and made a fuckton of cash from it.
You would think that would be the ultimate middle finger or fuck you by Sony to Microsoft but that would be wrong. The ultimate fuck you would be for Sony to make a fuckton of cash off a failed Microsoft property, then, upon releasing the movie on Blu-ray, pairing the fuckton of cash generator with a demo for one of their exclusive elite gaming franchises in order to create the buzz that will enable that game to make another fuckton of cash for Sony.
So there you have your explanation. The demo for God Of War 3 is included in the Blu-ray of District 9 as an ultimate fuck you by Sony to Microsoft. Whether that gesture is in fact the ultimate fuck you has yet to be determined, but one thing is certain. The God Of War 3 demo is a delectable vertical slice but I want to see more.
The Nude Security Theater
Hunter Red and Robin Anderson are in line at security at the Salt Lake City International Airport. They are going through the screening process before embarking on their trip to New York City. The camera shows Hunter and Robin from about the neck up.
Robin- (In a clearly annoyed tone of voice) I can’t believe you.
Hunter- What?
R- I can’t believe you are actually doing this.
H- I told you I was going to show up to the airport like this.
R- But I thought you were joking like you do about most things.
The camera shot changes to a full body shot of Hunter and Robin, revealing that Hunter is fully nude. The camera snaps back before delivery of the next line.
H- Why do you think I took that long shower before we left?
R- I assumed you were pleasuring yourself.
H- Robin, I have you, I have no need to masturbate.
R- I’d kiss you if your weren’t presently annoying me.
TSA Agent- Step forward sit.
Hunter steps forward and passes through the metal detector. Hunter is also wanded for some reason.
TSA Agent- Sir, you’ve been selected to undergo secondary screening.
Hunter- I have?
TSA Agent- yes.
H- Why?
TSA Agent- The computer said so.
H- Well, is the computer factoring in my nudeness?
TSA Agent- Sir, if you don’t follow my instructions, I am authorized to subdue and detain you.
Hunter looks back at Robin then turns back and says-
H- Okay, but the next time I fly I’m removing me skin.
A second TSA Agent takes Hunter off camera.
TSA Agent- Miss, step forward please.
Robin steps forward and passes through the metal detector. Robin is then wanded by the TSA Agent.
TSA Agent- Miss, you’ve been selected to undergo an additional patdown.
Robin- Okay, where do you want me to go?
TSA Agent- Just stand right there with your arms straight out to your side.
Robin does as she’s directed and the TSA Agent begins the patdown. The TSA Agent does a normal patdown then does a second pass, running his hands slowly along the areas of Robin’s body that are covered by her underwear. As the TSA Agent is doing this, Robin’s disposition changes form happy to slightly sullen.
TSA Agent- Okay, you’re clear. You can go on through.
Robin- (Hesitantly and clearly shaken) Thank you.
Robin walks forward and is met by Hunter coming out of his secondary screening. Hunter looks at Robin and says-
Hunter- Are you okay?
Robin- Hunter, what did they do to you?
H- They put me in a machine and blew air on me. Why, what happened to you?
R- The TSA Agent gave me a patdown and… groped me.
H- He- he groped you?
Robin nods her head, having tears in her eyes as she does so. Robin then puts her arms around Hunter and begins to cry softly. Hunter looks at the TSA Agent and says-
H- Security and safety are important things, but you really cannot cross the line like that. What you did is wrong, just plain wrong.
Hunter puts his arms around Robin and comforts her as the scene ends.
THE END
The Logoriffic Linkfest!
Here is a list of the podcasts I listen to. Yay.
Radio From Hell
Dead Pixel Live
Countdown With Keith Olberman
Orange Lounge Radio
The Geek Show Podcast
Electric Sista Hood
TQCast
The Mediocre Show
Major Nelson Radio
The Bobby Blackwolf Show
I know that for years I have publically declared myself to be an Atheist. This is because I am an Atheist. However, despite being an Atheist, I still go to church. I know church and atheism don’t exactly mix but neither does Rammstein and Jack Johnson, except to me.
There’s one particular church I’ve been going to for many years now. There are many branches of this church nationwide and I’m fairly sure you’ve been in or at least drove past one if not many. I started going to the branch of this church that was located in downtown Salt Lake City. It was on my way to work, it was in a good location, and the air conditioning in this branch was top notch. I soon found that there was another branch closer to my home, but that branch wasn’t convenient to me so I kept going to the branch downtown.
Eventually I stopped going to that branch for two reasons. One: My work moved to a different location and my commute no longer took me downtown. Two: The powers that be decided to demolish two city blocks, including the location of the branch I was going to. I tried going to the branch near my house but another powers that be decided to do away with that branch. The nearest branch of my church to me required a lengthy drive to get there. I still went but only on holidays and when I felt really bad about myself.
Then I learned there was a branch closer to my home, and I was happy. I went there often, really quite often, and gained a greater and more complete connection with my church. Then I learned that a building down the street from my house was being converted into a branch of my church and I was euphoric. In my euphoria a question came to my mind: Is it correct to call individual locations of my church “branches”? I posed this question to the manager of the church location I currently frequent. Her response:
“This isn’t a church, it’s a Chick-Fil-A restaurant.”
The Ultimate Fuck You
Since its inclusion, people have been wondering why a demo for God Of War 3 was included in the Blu-ray release of District 9. These questions have honestly astounded me as the answer is one that came to me quite easily. Allow me now to explain why the God Of War 3 demo was included with District 9.
Upon the death of the Peter Jackson produced Halo movie project, the seed money for that project was directed toward another project director Neil Blomkaph(?) wanted to do. That was District 9.
District 9 was released by Tristar Pictures, which is owned by Sony. Halo, for the uninitiated, is a franchise exclusive to the Xbox 360 and is owned by Microsoft. Microsoft and Sony are rivals, at least as far as video games goes.
District 9 made over $200 Million at the box office, for Sony. It could be reasonably said that Sony took the seed money from a failed Microsoft property and made a fuckton of cash from it.
You would think that would be the ultimate middle finger or fuck you by Sony to Microsoft but that would be wrong. The ultimate fuck you would be for Sony to make a fuckton of cash off a failed Microsoft property, then, upon releasing the movie on Blu-ray, pairing the fuckton of cash generator with a demo for one of their exclusive elite gaming franchises in order to create the buzz that will enable that game to make another fuckton of cash for Sony.
So there you have your explanation. The demo for God Of War 3 is included in the Blu-ray of District 9 as an ultimate fuck you by Sony to Microsoft. Whether that gesture is in fact the ultimate fuck you has yet to be determined, but one thing is certain. The God Of War 3 demo is a delectable vertical slice but I want to see more.
The Nude Security Theater
Hunter Red and Robin Anderson are in line at security at the Salt Lake City International Airport. They are going through the screening process before embarking on their trip to New York City. The camera shows Hunter and Robin from about the neck up.
Robin- (In a clearly annoyed tone of voice) I can’t believe you.
Hunter- What?
R- I can’t believe you are actually doing this.
H- I told you I was going to show up to the airport like this.
R- But I thought you were joking like you do about most things.
The camera shot changes to a full body shot of Hunter and Robin, revealing that Hunter is fully nude. The camera snaps back before delivery of the next line.
H- Why do you think I took that long shower before we left?
R- I assumed you were pleasuring yourself.
H- Robin, I have you, I have no need to masturbate.
R- I’d kiss you if your weren’t presently annoying me.
TSA Agent- Step forward sit.
Hunter steps forward and passes through the metal detector. Hunter is also wanded for some reason.
TSA Agent- Sir, you’ve been selected to undergo secondary screening.
Hunter- I have?
TSA Agent- yes.
H- Why?
TSA Agent- The computer said so.
H- Well, is the computer factoring in my nudeness?
TSA Agent- Sir, if you don’t follow my instructions, I am authorized to subdue and detain you.
Hunter looks back at Robin then turns back and says-
H- Okay, but the next time I fly I’m removing me skin.
A second TSA Agent takes Hunter off camera.
TSA Agent- Miss, step forward please.
Robin steps forward and passes through the metal detector. Robin is then wanded by the TSA Agent.
TSA Agent- Miss, you’ve been selected to undergo an additional patdown.
Robin- Okay, where do you want me to go?
TSA Agent- Just stand right there with your arms straight out to your side.
Robin does as she’s directed and the TSA Agent begins the patdown. The TSA Agent does a normal patdown then does a second pass, running his hands slowly along the areas of Robin’s body that are covered by her underwear. As the TSA Agent is doing this, Robin’s disposition changes form happy to slightly sullen.
TSA Agent- Okay, you’re clear. You can go on through.
Robin- (Hesitantly and clearly shaken) Thank you.
Robin walks forward and is met by Hunter coming out of his secondary screening. Hunter looks at Robin and says-
Hunter- Are you okay?
Robin- Hunter, what did they do to you?
H- They put me in a machine and blew air on me. Why, what happened to you?
R- The TSA Agent gave me a patdown and… groped me.
H- He- he groped you?
Robin nods her head, having tears in her eyes as she does so. Robin then puts her arms around Hunter and begins to cry softly. Hunter looks at the TSA Agent and says-
H- Security and safety are important things, but you really cannot cross the line like that. What you did is wrong, just plain wrong.
Hunter puts his arms around Robin and comforts her as the scene ends.
THE END
The Logoriffic Linkfest!
Here is a list of the podcasts I listen to. Yay.
Radio From Hell
Dead Pixel Live
Countdown With Keith Olberman
Orange Lounge Radio
The Geek Show Podcast
Electric Sista Hood
TQCast
The Mediocre Show
Major Nelson Radio
The Bobby Blackwolf Show
****- The Second Annual Four Star Gaming Awards
The Second Annual Four Star Gaming Awards
Welcome to The Second Annual Four Star Gaming Awards. This year we are proud to say that we have doubled the amount of judges determining the awards compared to last year. We have increased the judge count from two to four. (Hold for applause.) We at the Redertainment Corporation Of America are proud to have as our judges Shiroen8, courtesy of the Dead Pixel Live forums, Hydroponic, courtesy of 1UP, Tommy Ingallinera, courtesy of Bitmob, and Hunter Red, courtesy of Completedumbass.com.
Without further ado, let the awards commence.
Downloadable Game Of The Year
Nominees- Battlefield 1943, Fallout 3 DLC, Fat Princess, Grand Theft Auto IV DLC, Revenge Of The Ball, Shadow Complex, Trials HD, Zen Pinball
In a year filled with substantial console downloadable content and fully integrated multiplayer experiences, our winner managed to do something that people openly dismissed. Chair Entertainment managed to create a current generation high definition Metroid-style two dimensional side scrolling shooter. Shadow Complex reaches back into legendary past and brings it into the realm of now.
The winner of The Four Star Gaming Award for Downloadable Game Of The Year is Shadow Complex.
PS3 Game Of The Year
Nominees- Demon’s Souls, Infamous, Modern Warfare 2, Uncharted 2: Among Thieves
The Playstation 3 seems to have gained a lot of momentum this year. Between the price cut, the PS3 Slim, and the increased adoption of Blu-Ray, Sony has greatly decreased the distance between its console and Microsoft’s Xbox 360. However what makes and breaks any console is its games and the Playstation 3 had plenty of stellar releases this year. While choosing one may discount the others, one must be chosen to receive this award.
The first Uncharted title was a stellar early title in the history of the Playstation 3. Uncharted 2 is a must own. The graphics are top notch, the story seems ripped form an adventure movie, and the voice talent actually conveys that they have talent. But the gameplay is what sets this game apart from the rest. Combat elements that are usually reserved for first person shooters, enemies that actually have brains instead of just hollow cavities for bullets to pass through, and levels that are designed to be as beautiful as they are challenging.
The winner of The Four Star Gaming Awards for PS3 Game Of The Year is Uncharted 2: Among Thieves.
Wii Game Of The Year
Nominees- Dead Space: Extraction, The Demon Blade, Madworld, President Cat, Tiger Woods PGA 10, Wii Sex(Not an actual game but a video on Youtube)
There are people who wonder aloud if a mature themed game can be successful on the Wii. These people include many game developers. Fortunately some developers have taken this risk, it’s just unfortunate that these developers aren’t rewarded more.
Madworld from Sega is a game that feels like the plot of The Running Man set in the world of Escape From New York, all done in black and white. Madworld is a game that doesn’t shy away from its brutality. In fact, it seems to revel in it. Creativity is clearly rewarded in this game, namely really creatively slaughtering people.
The winner of The Four Star Gaming Award for Wii Game Of The Year is Madworld.
Xbox 360 Game Of The Year
Nominees- Batman: Arkham Asylum, Borderlands, Grand Theft Auto IV: The Ballad Of Gay Tony, Halo Wars, Prototype
Batman as a video game franchise is one that was hurt by games that are described as abysmal, horrendous, terrible, and other synonyms for extremely bad. Because of this, when Rocksteady announced they were working on a Batman game skepticism was high. Skepticism was also high because, until this year, Rocksteady was not a well known company. Boy did this company deliver.
Batman: Arkham Asylum is a game that has received praise from nearly everybody that has played it. Even Marvel Comics fans have to give props to this DC triumph. There is a reason why when the Batman: Arkham Asylum 2 trailer played at the VGAs it got the reaction it did, because Rocksteady created a game that left the gaming public yearning for more.
The winner of The Four Star Gaming Award for Xbox 360 Game Of The Year is Batman: Arkham Asylum.
Disappointment Of The Year
Nominees- Bionic Commando, Cross Edge, King Of Fighters XII, the single player campaign of Modern Warfare 2, Resident Evil 5, Scribblenauts
As good as many of the games of 2009 were, some were just plain disappointing. Whether it was not living up to the precedent set before, not living up to the legend of the original, not living up to the hype generated at an event, or just plain kicking fans in the nuts, game companies are finding new and revolutionary ways to disappoint the gaming public. This award is presented in order to point out and bring an end to gaming disappointments. That will never happen but we can try.
Resident Evil is one of those game franchises that people just adore. It is said of the survival horror genre that you are either a Silent Hill fan or a Resident Evil fan. Resident Evil 5 was a game that received a lot of hype but failed to deliver in a way that was so disappointing.
Sheva sucks. Period. She has no redeeming qualities, no true positive aspects, and is as dumb as a barren rock. You basically have to play this game in co-op because to endure Sheva is to truly know what suffering is in a video game setting.
The narrative is RE5 is downright insulting. It appears as if they just created a bunch of levels and threw together a story to vaguely connect them, Given the widely variant levels in RE5 this was a near impossible job. How they connected an ancient labyrinthine tomb to a modern state of the art scientific laboratory is something I still have not figured out.
Resident Evil 5 is a game that was treated as a Triple A title but failed to live up to that level of excellence. That is why Resident Evil 5 is receiving The Four Star Gaming Award for Disappointment Of The Year.
Non-Gaming Thing Most Deserving Of An Award
Now we come to the least serious award of the night, and, unfortunately, several of our judges approached it in just that way. Nominees for this award included Taco Bell, for barely being food, The Situation from Jersey Shore, for the abs he has dubbed “The Situation”, and Crossing The Rubicon by The Sounds, for Swedish Rock never rocked me so good before in my life. We did receive some serious nominations, and from among those a winner has been chosen. Here it is.
Quentin Tarantino is an American filmmaker whose work one must watch in order to truly know what American films are. Mr. Tarantino has brought us many iconic characters. The Bride from Kill Bill, Stuntman Mike from Death Proof, and Jules Winnfield from Pulp Fiction are just some of these characters. In 2009 Quentin gave us another iconic character, however in order for a character to be great it must be played by an actor who can make full use of the opportunity for greatness. Christoph Waltz did exactly that.
The first scene of Inglorious Basterds sets up Col. Hans Lander, the Jew Hunter, perfectly. Charismatic, well spoken, and evil. These characteristics are further shown in the crepe scene in the restaurant with Shosanna, and the confrontation of the conspirator Bridget von Hammersmark. Christoph Waltz pulls off this character brilliantly. Never once is the illusion broken with the Jew Hunter, like it unfortunately is with Brad Pitt’s Aldo Raine. Hans Lander is the kind of evil presence you love to see at work but wince when you actually see his work.
For his portrayal of The Jew Hunter in Inglorious Basterds, The Four Star Gaming Award in the category of Non-Gaming Thing Most Deserving Of An Award goes to Christoph Waltz.
Game Of The Year
Nominees- Batman: Arkham Asylum, Demon’s Souls, Madworld, Prototype, Uncharted 2: Among Thieves
This year there were many stellar games over all of the current generation consoles. In an environment like this, you’d think it would be hard to chose one game above all others. However, one game managed to stand tall among the others in ways that in impossible to ignore. Not much can be said this game that hasn’t already been said, except for this.
The winner of The Four Star Gaming Award for Game Of The Year is Uncharted 2: Among Thieves.
So there you have it, the Second Annual Four Star Gaming Awards. We’d like to thank our judges Shiroen8, Hydroponic, Tommy Ingallinera, and Hunter Red for contributing to this year’s awards. Next year should be another great year for the video game industry, giving much inspiration for The Third Annual Four Star Gaming Awards. Hope to see you then.
Welcome to The Second Annual Four Star Gaming Awards. This year we are proud to say that we have doubled the amount of judges determining the awards compared to last year. We have increased the judge count from two to four. (Hold for applause.) We at the Redertainment Corporation Of America are proud to have as our judges Shiroen8, courtesy of the Dead Pixel Live forums, Hydroponic, courtesy of 1UP, Tommy Ingallinera, courtesy of Bitmob, and Hunter Red, courtesy of Completedumbass.com.
Without further ado, let the awards commence.
Downloadable Game Of The Year
Nominees- Battlefield 1943, Fallout 3 DLC, Fat Princess, Grand Theft Auto IV DLC, Revenge Of The Ball, Shadow Complex, Trials HD, Zen Pinball
In a year filled with substantial console downloadable content and fully integrated multiplayer experiences, our winner managed to do something that people openly dismissed. Chair Entertainment managed to create a current generation high definition Metroid-style two dimensional side scrolling shooter. Shadow Complex reaches back into legendary past and brings it into the realm of now.
The winner of The Four Star Gaming Award for Downloadable Game Of The Year is Shadow Complex.
PS3 Game Of The Year
Nominees- Demon’s Souls, Infamous, Modern Warfare 2, Uncharted 2: Among Thieves
The Playstation 3 seems to have gained a lot of momentum this year. Between the price cut, the PS3 Slim, and the increased adoption of Blu-Ray, Sony has greatly decreased the distance between its console and Microsoft’s Xbox 360. However what makes and breaks any console is its games and the Playstation 3 had plenty of stellar releases this year. While choosing one may discount the others, one must be chosen to receive this award.
The first Uncharted title was a stellar early title in the history of the Playstation 3. Uncharted 2 is a must own. The graphics are top notch, the story seems ripped form an adventure movie, and the voice talent actually conveys that they have talent. But the gameplay is what sets this game apart from the rest. Combat elements that are usually reserved for first person shooters, enemies that actually have brains instead of just hollow cavities for bullets to pass through, and levels that are designed to be as beautiful as they are challenging.
The winner of The Four Star Gaming Awards for PS3 Game Of The Year is Uncharted 2: Among Thieves.
Wii Game Of The Year
Nominees- Dead Space: Extraction, The Demon Blade, Madworld, President Cat, Tiger Woods PGA 10, Wii Sex(Not an actual game but a video on Youtube)
There are people who wonder aloud if a mature themed game can be successful on the Wii. These people include many game developers. Fortunately some developers have taken this risk, it’s just unfortunate that these developers aren’t rewarded more.
Madworld from Sega is a game that feels like the plot of The Running Man set in the world of Escape From New York, all done in black and white. Madworld is a game that doesn’t shy away from its brutality. In fact, it seems to revel in it. Creativity is clearly rewarded in this game, namely really creatively slaughtering people.
The winner of The Four Star Gaming Award for Wii Game Of The Year is Madworld.
Xbox 360 Game Of The Year
Nominees- Batman: Arkham Asylum, Borderlands, Grand Theft Auto IV: The Ballad Of Gay Tony, Halo Wars, Prototype
Batman as a video game franchise is one that was hurt by games that are described as abysmal, horrendous, terrible, and other synonyms for extremely bad. Because of this, when Rocksteady announced they were working on a Batman game skepticism was high. Skepticism was also high because, until this year, Rocksteady was not a well known company. Boy did this company deliver.
Batman: Arkham Asylum is a game that has received praise from nearly everybody that has played it. Even Marvel Comics fans have to give props to this DC triumph. There is a reason why when the Batman: Arkham Asylum 2 trailer played at the VGAs it got the reaction it did, because Rocksteady created a game that left the gaming public yearning for more.
The winner of The Four Star Gaming Award for Xbox 360 Game Of The Year is Batman: Arkham Asylum.
Disappointment Of The Year
Nominees- Bionic Commando, Cross Edge, King Of Fighters XII, the single player campaign of Modern Warfare 2, Resident Evil 5, Scribblenauts
As good as many of the games of 2009 were, some were just plain disappointing. Whether it was not living up to the precedent set before, not living up to the legend of the original, not living up to the hype generated at an event, or just plain kicking fans in the nuts, game companies are finding new and revolutionary ways to disappoint the gaming public. This award is presented in order to point out and bring an end to gaming disappointments. That will never happen but we can try.
Resident Evil is one of those game franchises that people just adore. It is said of the survival horror genre that you are either a Silent Hill fan or a Resident Evil fan. Resident Evil 5 was a game that received a lot of hype but failed to deliver in a way that was so disappointing.
Sheva sucks. Period. She has no redeeming qualities, no true positive aspects, and is as dumb as a barren rock. You basically have to play this game in co-op because to endure Sheva is to truly know what suffering is in a video game setting.
The narrative is RE5 is downright insulting. It appears as if they just created a bunch of levels and threw together a story to vaguely connect them, Given the widely variant levels in RE5 this was a near impossible job. How they connected an ancient labyrinthine tomb to a modern state of the art scientific laboratory is something I still have not figured out.
Resident Evil 5 is a game that was treated as a Triple A title but failed to live up to that level of excellence. That is why Resident Evil 5 is receiving The Four Star Gaming Award for Disappointment Of The Year.
Non-Gaming Thing Most Deserving Of An Award
Now we come to the least serious award of the night, and, unfortunately, several of our judges approached it in just that way. Nominees for this award included Taco Bell, for barely being food, The Situation from Jersey Shore, for the abs he has dubbed “The Situation”, and Crossing The Rubicon by The Sounds, for Swedish Rock never rocked me so good before in my life. We did receive some serious nominations, and from among those a winner has been chosen. Here it is.
Quentin Tarantino is an American filmmaker whose work one must watch in order to truly know what American films are. Mr. Tarantino has brought us many iconic characters. The Bride from Kill Bill, Stuntman Mike from Death Proof, and Jules Winnfield from Pulp Fiction are just some of these characters. In 2009 Quentin gave us another iconic character, however in order for a character to be great it must be played by an actor who can make full use of the opportunity for greatness. Christoph Waltz did exactly that.
The first scene of Inglorious Basterds sets up Col. Hans Lander, the Jew Hunter, perfectly. Charismatic, well spoken, and evil. These characteristics are further shown in the crepe scene in the restaurant with Shosanna, and the confrontation of the conspirator Bridget von Hammersmark. Christoph Waltz pulls off this character brilliantly. Never once is the illusion broken with the Jew Hunter, like it unfortunately is with Brad Pitt’s Aldo Raine. Hans Lander is the kind of evil presence you love to see at work but wince when you actually see his work.
For his portrayal of The Jew Hunter in Inglorious Basterds, The Four Star Gaming Award in the category of Non-Gaming Thing Most Deserving Of An Award goes to Christoph Waltz.
Game Of The Year
Nominees- Batman: Arkham Asylum, Demon’s Souls, Madworld, Prototype, Uncharted 2: Among Thieves
This year there were many stellar games over all of the current generation consoles. In an environment like this, you’d think it would be hard to chose one game above all others. However, one game managed to stand tall among the others in ways that in impossible to ignore. Not much can be said this game that hasn’t already been said, except for this.
The winner of The Four Star Gaming Award for Game Of The Year is Uncharted 2: Among Thieves.
So there you have it, the Second Annual Four Star Gaming Awards. We’d like to thank our judges Shiroen8, Hydroponic, Tommy Ingallinera, and Hunter Red for contributing to this year’s awards. Next year should be another great year for the video game industry, giving much inspiration for The Third Annual Four Star Gaming Awards. Hope to see you then.
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