Hunter Red is sitting in his office at The Redertainment Corporation Of America. He is busily writing something at his desk, occasionally snickering as he does so. Hunter occasionally ponders as he writes, then gets back to creating and snickering. Finally, Hunter finishes what he's writing and says-
"End Scene. There it is. The most spectacular piece of satire I've ever written. It has all the perfect elements. Absurdity, fucked up shit, a Republican getting beaten like a pinata, this is it. This is as perfect as I can get."
The chime of Twitter being updated is heard coming from Hunter's computer.
"Oh look, Marcus has released a comedy CD on iTunes. I remember seeing the taping of his comedy special in May. That was a fucking awesome show. I think I'll buy his CD. I'll download it and listen to it now."
Roughly an hour and a half later, depending on internet speeds, Hunter finishes listening to Marcus' Hell Oh Well.
"Man. I feel suddenly inadequate."
Hunter then opens one of the drawers of his desk, pulls out a full bottle of vodka, puts it on his desk, and says-
"Oh vodka. It's a shame I won't be drinking you."
Hunter gets up form this desk, walks over to where his garbage can is, picks it up, walks over to the window, opens the window, and tosses the contents of his garbage can out the window. Hunter then places the garbage can in the center of his office, and grabs the vodka bottle and the satirical piece he just wrote off his desk. Hunter puts the satirical piece in the garbage can, empties the contents of the vodka bottle into the can, starts fishing around in his pockets, and produces a book of matches.
Hunter holds the matchbook aloft, marveling at the logo form the bar long since closed. Hunter goes through the process of striking a single match, sets the entire matchbook on fire, damn near burns himself, then drops the matchbook into the garbage can.
The garbage can erupts in flames. Awesome flames.
"Wow! That fire is cool. Not as cool as Marcus' CD, but still cool."
An alarm sounds and the sprinklers in Hunter's office go off, putting out the fire and soaking Hunter to the bone.
"That was not cool."
END SCENE
Marcus- Hell Oh Well: A-
Link to iTunes Page
My Mom, Porn Aficionado
Recently, driven by her appearance on ABC's Dancing With The Stars, rumors have been circulating about a sex tape starring actress Jennifer Grey. Stories about this sex tape paint it as a scandalous matter, the kind that fills every celebrity gossip rag in print today. However, I question whether or not this is a scandal. A Jennifer Grey sex tape has been in wide circulation for years. In fact, my mom owns a copy of this sex tape. It is one that she watches frequently, and is not ashamed to tell her family, friends, and random strangers, that she not only watches it, she likes it. I remember several occasions where I, as a child, was made by my mother to watch the Jennifer Grey sex tape. I did not like the Jennifer Grey sex tape then, and still don't today. My fiance has viewed the Jennifer Grey sex tape and, while she doesn't like it as much as my mother does, she does have a certain affinity for it. Maybe it's a girl thing.
Anita Apology
The following is a transcript of a telephone conversation held between the two men pictured above, PrideUtah founder Eric Ethington and LDS General Authority Boyd K. Packer. This conversation, held on Thursday October 21st, 2010, is in response to protests organized by Eric Ethington over Boyd K. Packer's controversial comments at the most recent LDS Church General Conference.
Ring Ring Ring
Eric- Hello?
Boyd- Hello, is this Eric Etherington?
Eric- Actually, it's Ethington.
Boyd- Ah, it's good to talk to you Mr. Etherington. This is Boyd Packer speaking. I'm calling you in reference to a story I read recently.
Eric- The one where I criticize you over the comments you made at General Conference?
Boyd- No, the story that broke on Wednesday involving Mrs. Thomas and Miss Hill.
Eric- The one where Virginia Thomas asked for an apology from Anita Hill for the sexual harassment allegations she levied against her husband, Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas.
Boyd- Exactly. Well, I'm calling you today to ask you to do something for me.
Eric- What is that?
Boyd- I would like you to apologize to me.
Eric- For what?
Boyd- For existing.
There is a short pause.
Eric- Excuse me?
Boyd- Did you not hear me clearly? I'm not quite used to these newfangled telephonic machines. Do I need to repeat myself?
Eric- No, no, I heard you, I just can't believe what I just heard.
Boyd- What do you mean?
Eric- You want me
Boyd- Yes.
Eric- Eric Ethington
Boyd- Etherington.
Eric- to apologize
Boyd- Yes.
Eric- to you
Boyd- Yes.
Eric- for existing?
Boyd- Yes.
There is a short pause.
Eric- Is this a joke?
Boyd- I don't follow.
Eric- This has got to be a joke. Not only is it absurd for you to be calling me, but it is completely absurd that you just asked me to apologize for existing.
Boyd- No, this isn't a joke. I am calling you to apologize to me for existing as a homosexual, non-faithful, liberal, with long hair.
Eric- No, this has got to be a joke.
Boyd- What makes you think this is a joke? Why would anyone pull a joke like this?
Eric- To fuck with me.
At this point the phone conversation abruptly ends.
END TRANSCRIPT
You're All Invited
Elvis and Allison Red And Denis and Marissa Anderson
are proud to announce the wedding of
Hunter Wallace Red and Robin Crystal Anderson
On November First, in the year of your Lord Two Thousand and Ten.
A private ceremony will be held with a public reception to follow at the Gnasu Reception Hall at 8583 South East Temple, Sandy, Utah at 7PM. All are invited to attend the reception and wish the happy couple a joyous and fruitful life together.
The couple is registered at The Blue Boutique.
Open Bar
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