Really Offensive Recasting

Really

Hello, I'm J. Peterman. Really. It brings me pride to tell you today about my company. The J. Peterman Company, a real company that really exists.

At The J. Peterman Company, really, we specialize in fine hand crafted overcoats and boots. The J. Peterman Company's line of apparel is ideal for going out to see a play, conversing with friends at a wine tasting, or any number of occasions where an outward expression of style and class is a must. The J. Peterman Company, however, does not deal in puffy shirts, male brassieres, or any other product connected with the television comedy Seinfeld. So stop asking.

We here at The J. Peterman Company are proud to unveil our latest product. The J. Peterman Company's Fine Organic Maintenance Oil. This oil is ideal for keeping your leather boots, jackets, and gloves soft to the touch, even under the most extreme of conditions. This oil also adds a musk to your leather attire. This odor is subtle without being in any way overpowering. This oil has been found to work best on leather. We have no idea if our Fine Organic Maintenance Oil will prevent or stop your car from smelling like butt. So stop asking.

The J. Peterman Company. A real company that really exists. Really.



John Lennon Is Still Dead

I learned about One Laptop Per Child when they were profiled on 60 Minutes. One Laptop Per Child is a charity that seeks to give good, cheap laptop computers to disaffected children in Africa. I found their efforts to be inspiring, and wanted to contribute to their cause. However, like most things on 60 Minutes, my thoughts about this story was soon replaced by how much I dislike Andy Rooney. I mean come on, Bob Schieffer gives better, more relevant commentary on life, and he looks to be way younger than Andy.

Recently, One Laptop Per Child came to my mind again, but this time I was offended by what I saw. Before you watch this video, know this: John Lennon is dead and has been since 1980.





Two and a Half Spin City

Hello, I am Leslie Moonves, President Of CBS Broadcasting. Recently, the star of one of our highest rated shows, Charlie Sheen, was checked into rehab. He did this because we threatened him with firing him, which would result in the cutting off of his cocaine and hooker supply.

Many people have speculated that, in his absence, his show, Two And A Half Men, would be put on hiatus, but that will not happen. We here at CBS do not want to see any of our great programming go off the air. We are committed to fine programming such as CSI: Miami, Mike And Molly, and Undercover Boss. Our commitment to Two And A Half Men has driven us to temporarily recast the role filled by Charlie Sheen.

There are several actors we look at for this role. First we tried Charlie's father, Martin Sheen. Then we realized that he's too old to fill the role, despite the fact that Martin Sheen looks to be younger than his son. Next we thought to fill Charlie's role with the person he replaced on his last show, Michael J. Fox. Once we met him we realized how shaky of a move that is. Finally, we thought outside the box and found the perfect person to fill the role played by Charlie Sheen. This person is well known, revered in the industry, and, most importantly, is not working right now.

It is my pleasure to present to you, this new episode of Two And A Half Men. Enjoy.


The show opens with Alan and Jake entering Charlie's house. They are arguing.

Alan- I don't understand why you have detention, again.
Jake- It's not my fault.
Alan- You spread dish soap on the floor of your cafeteria and filmed people fall down while other people laughed.
Jake- It was a bet.

From out of the kitchen, a woman emerged holding a plate with an omelet on it. The woman is Heather Locklear.

Heather Locklear- Hey guys.

Alan is struck with how attractive this woman is.

Alan- Hello.

Jake is oblivious to this woman.

Jake- Hey.
Alan- Are you new to the neighborhood?
Heather Locklear- Alan, don't mess with me like that.
Alan- What do you mean?
Heather Locklear- Look man, you're my brother, but I will kick you out of my house if you keep on messing around with me like that.

Alan is perplexed by this.

Alan- Who are you?
Heather Locklear- I'm Charlie.

The audience laughs.

Alan- You're Charlie.
Heather Locklear- Yes.
Jake- My uncle, Charlie?
Heather Locklear- Yes.
Alan- When did you start drinking?

Just then a Random Whore appears at the stairs that lead to Charlie's bedroom.

Random Whore- Charlie, are you coming back to bed, honey?
Heather Locklear- Did you find that "thing" we lost earlier?
Random Whore- No, and I searched all over with my soft delicate hands for it.
Heather Locklear- Hmm. I'll have to help you.

Heather Locklear makes his way from the kitchen up the stairs with the Random Whore. Alan and Jake watch all this with amazement.

Alan- Did that just happen?
Jake- Does Charlie still have that camera set up?
Alan- If not, it's about to be.

The audience laughs.


END SCENE



Copy, Paste, Edit

The Denver Post reported on Thursday that a twenty-six year old woman had her six children taken away from her because she neglected them after becoming addicted to video games.

The Kansas City Star reported on Tuesday that a twenty-six year old woman had her six children taken away from her because she neglected them after becoming addicted to knitting.

The Fresno Bee reported on Friday that a twenty-six year old woman had her six children taken away from her because she neglected them after becoming addicted to building hot rods.

The Birmingham News reported on Monday that a twenty-six year old woman had her six children taken away from her because she neglected them after becoming addicted to participating in Civil War reenactments.

The Chicago Sun-Times reported on Wednesday that a twenty-six year old woman had her six children taken away from her because she neglected them after becoming addicted to beer league softball.

The Boston Globe reported on Saturday that a twenty-six year old woman had her six children taken away from her because she neglected them after becoming addicted to Twilight.

The Seattle Times reported on Sunday that a twenty-six year old woman had her six children taken away from her because she neglected them after becoming addicted to podcasting.



Red Review: Dead Space 2




As a part of it's advertising campaign for Dead Space 2, Electronic Arts released the ad embedded above. The ad states that my mother would hate this game, implying that I should buy this game because my mom would not like it. I decided to test out this claim. I bought Dead Space 2 and gave it to my mother, Allison Red, to review.

I have no idea why my son gave me this game. I don't have time to play video games, I'm too busy with Farmville. Maybe his father, Keith, will enjoy this.

Wait, you mean I can use this Playstation 3 my son bought us to play video games? I've only used that thing to watch movies. By the way, Moon was fucking awesome. I think I'll leave it here for my useless boyfriend-in-law to play.

Dead Space 2!?! Wow! I heard this game was really fucked up. Hey, you know what would be really fucked up?

When I came home from school, my Daddy let me play a video game. I don't like the name of the game because dead things make me sad, but I do like the two because two is my favorite number. This game is scary. There's monsters all over the place who jump out and attack you and scare you and make you dead. Death is scary and scary things make me sad. Hey look, Mom's home! Mommy, guess what Daddy let me play.

What the fuck are you fucking thinking fucking letting my daughter fucking play that fucking game you fucking fucking FUCKING idiot!!!!!!!!!!

What are you yelling at me for? I didn't let Hope play Dead Space 2, Sam did. And why the fuck did you destroy my game? How am I supposed to trade this in now?

Dead Space 2: A



Other Options

After seeing the Super Bowl XLV halftime show, and seeing the overwhelmingly negative response to it on Twitter, I thought I'd list off several bands that would have made for a better show. This is my opinion and my opinion only, so if you disagree, you suck.

Metallica. Seriously, how have they not done a halftime performance yet? The NFL is okay with Metallica being played over the PA system but not during halftime?




The Raconteurs, The Dead Weather, or anything Jack White is participating in. Watch It Might Get Loud if you want proof of Jack White's awesomeness.




Jack Johnson. Don't look at me like that, Jack Johnson is awesome. He's like peacefullness wrapped in bliss wrapped and happy happy pot smoke.




Jay-Z. Jay-Z makes for an awesome show in general, in front of a worldwide stage it would be awesome. I'd love to see him live just once.




Green Day performing at the Super Bowl would serve as great advertisement for their Broadway show. Also, people could participate in the show via Green Day Rock Band.




Super Bowl XLVI will take place at Lucas Oil Stadium in Indianapolis, Indiana. A popular band from Indiana would be great for this halftime show. Let's see if there's anybody who'd be good to fill this role.

Looks up rock bands from Indiana on Wikipedia. Finds nothing.

Oh. Never mind.

My last suggestion, The Strokes. There was a time that I listened to The Stokes's Room On Fire CD everyday. That is also the time that I wore fingerless gloves and styled my hair like Ric Ocasek.