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Red Review: Hot Shots Golf: World Invitational (Vita)

 Hunter Red is sitting in his office working on Project Journal when his phone begins to ring.

Hunter Red-  Hello?

5toz Orgy-  Hunter.

5toz Orgy is the security guard for The Official Offices Of The Redertainment Corporation Of America.

Hunter Red-  Hey Toz, what's up?

5toz Orgy-  There's a delivery here for you.

Hunter Red looks out of his office door and sees the General Secretary of The Redertainment Corporation Of America, Liz, sitting at her desk working away.

Hunter Red-  Okay, why are you talking to me?  Liz deals with deliveries.

5toz Orgy-  It's not your typical delivery.

Hunter Red-  What is it?

5toz Orgy-  It's a woman.

Hunter Red-  A woman?

5toz Orgy-  Yes.

Hunter Red-  Allright, I'll be right down.

Hunter Red leaves his office and goes downstairs to where 5toz Orgy's security stand is at.  There he sees this woman.

Hunter Red looks at this woman then talks to 5toz Orgy.

Hunter Red-  Is this the delivery?

5toz Orgy-  Yes.

Hunter Red-  Who sent her.

5toz Orgy-  I don't know.  Why don't you ask her?

Hunter Red then begins to talk to the woman.

Hunter Red-  Hi.  I'm Hunter.  5toz tells me you're here to see me.

Natalie Gulbis-  Hi.  I'm Natalie Gulbis.  Clap Hands sent me.

Hunter Red-  Okay.  Why did they send you here?

Natalie Gulbis-  To play golf.

Hunter Red-  Okay.  I left my clubs at home, but I can go and get them.

Natalie Gulbis-  Okay, I can wait.

Hunter Red-  Okay, I'll be right back.

Natalie Gulbis-  Wait, before you go, I need you to do something first.

Hunter Red-  What's that?

Natalie Gulbis-  Dress me.

Hunter Red doesn't know quite what to make of this comment.

Hunter Red-  What?

Natalie Gulbis-  Dress me.  There are many styles and colours of clothes from you to choose form, but the choice is up to you.  Dress me.

Hunter Red still doesn't know what to make of this.

Hunter Red-  Okay.  I'm going to talk to my friend first before I make my decision.

Natalie Gulbis-  Okay.  I'll be waiting.

Hunter Red begins to talk again to 5toz Orgy.

Hunter Red-  Is this real?

5toz Orgy-  What do you mean?

Hunter Red-  Is this real?  Am I being setup?  Is this some sort of candid camera setup?

5toz Orgy-  No.  Why do you ask?

Hunter Red-  An amazingly attractive woman wants to play golf with me but is asking me to choose the kind of clothes she will wear first.  This does not happen in real life.  So, I want to know if this is real.

5toz Orgy-  There is one way to tell.

Hunter Red-  What's that?

5toz Orgy punches Hunter Red in the face.

Hunter Red-  Ow!  What was that for?

5toz Orgy-  Do you feel pain?

Hunter Red-  Yes, I feel pain!  You fucking punched me.

5toz Orgy-  The sensation of pain means that you are not dreaming.

Hunter Red-  I asked if this was a setup, not if it was a dream.

5toz Orgy-  Oh.  Sorry brother.

5toz Orgy looks at Natalie Gulbis still patiently waiting for Hunter Red.

5toz Orgy-  Why don't you just go with it?

Hunter Red-  What do you mean?

5toz Orgy-  Just go with it.  Don't do anything really creepy if it is a setup, but if it is real, wouldn't it be awesome?

Hunter Red looks at Natalie Gulbis, then talks to 5toz Orgy again.

Hunter Red-  Allright.  I'll go along with this.  Although, the only time I am in any way good at golf is when I play it in video game form.

5toz Orgy-  Can I come too?

Hunter Red-  I don't know.  I might have to buy a pass to do multiplayer.

5toz Orgy-  What?  That is such bullshit.

Hunter Red-  Dude, you get to play with her.

5toz Orgy looks at Natalie Gulbis again.

5toz Orgy-  I'm in.

END SCENE

 Hot Shots Golf: World Invitational (Vita): A

Hey!

 For the past little while, I've been contributing news to Dead Pixel Live: Loserly Edition.  One of the weeks I submitted news included a news story of several Vita titles that were to be released.  One of these titles was Michael Jackson: The Experience HD.  When this story was read on DPL:LE, I googled this game.  Among the things I found was a listing for Michael Jackson: The Experience HD on iTunes for $4.99.  The iTunes game appears to be the same as the Vita version, except for one key difference.  The Vita version sells for $39.99.  After seeing this, I decided to see if other Vita titles received similar treatment.

All prices listed are for new titles, if available.

Ben 10: Galactic Racing

Available on 3DS and Vita. 

3DS Price: $39.99

Vita Price: $29.99

BlazBlue: Continuum Shift II Plus

Available on 3DS and Vita. 

3DS Price: $20.

Vita Price: $39.99

F1 2011

Available on 3DS and Vita. 

3DS Price: $39.99

Vita Price: $39.99

FIFA Soccer

Available on 3DS and Vita. 

3DS Price: $39.99

Vita Price: $39.99

Rayman Origins

Available on PlayStation 3, Wii, Xbox 360, PlayStation Vita, Nintendo 3DS and Microsoft Windows.

AmazonListing For Rayman Origins

Ultimate Marvel Vs. Capcom 3

Available on PS3, Xbox 360, and Vita

PS3 Price:  $39.99

Xbox 360 Price:  $39.99

Vita Price:  $39.99

Virtua Tennis 4

Available on PlayStation 3, Xbox 360, Microsoft Windows, Wii and PlayStation Vita.

AmazonListing for Virtua Tennis 4

The Red's Dinner With A Deviant Animal Fondler

Dinner With The Reds

A couple of months ago, the matriarch of the Red family, Allison, pictured above, tried to start a tradition of having her entire family over for Sunday dinner.  This tradition didn't last long as her only son, Hunter, pictured above, spent several weeks in rehab and afterward just didn't want to do it.  In addition to that, the patriarch of the Red family, Keith, pictured above, also chose to take additional shifts at work in order to pay for something, money he later spent on beer.  Undeterred by failure, Allison tried once again to get the Sunday family dinner tradition started.  Our story begins when Hunter enters the Red family home.

Hunter Red-  Hello.

Hunter is in the front room of the Red family home.  Keith is in the family room, where he will stay throughout this entire scene.

Keith Red-  Keep it down, Pawn Stars is on.

Allison comes into the front room to greet her son.

Allison Red-  Hunter.  It's good that you're here, I need your help in the kitchen.

Hunter Red-  Why isn't Dad helping you?

Keith Red-  You're never going to be able to get a thousand dollars for that hunk of tin.

Allison Red-  He's busy.  Come here and help me with this.

Hunter and Allison enter the kitchen of the Red family home.

Allison Red-  Will you get that down for me?

Allison points to a George Forman Grill that sits on top of the refrigerator.  Hunter easily gets the grill down from what is a high and unreachable place for Allison.

Hunter Red-  What are you going to make with this.

Allison Red-  Oh, I don't cook with this anymore.

Hunter Red-  Who does?

Allison Red-  I just wanted it down so I could clean it.  That thing has been collecting dust for weeks and it's been bugging me for about that long.

Hunter Red-  Don't you have a step stool?

Allison Red-  Yes, but why do I need that when you're around?

Hunter Red-  Because I'm not always around.

Keith Red-  That jersey ain't going to be worth shit because it's a Yankees jersey.

Allison Red-  So, what are you doing on Tuesday?

Hunter Red-  Work.

Allison Red-  What about after work?

Hunter rolls his eyes at his mother's questions.

Hunter Red-  What do you need me to do?

Allison Red-  What's with that tone?

Keith Red-  Damn, that's a sweet hot rod.

Hunter Red-  Whenever you ask me what my schedule is or what I'm doing on certain days, you always need me to do something.  It's a way to see if I have nothing planned before you ask me to do something so that I have no way to get out of it.

Allison is offended by this statement.

Allison Red-  Hunter, you act like I'm some sort of a burden.  You act like whenever I ask you a question that there's always an motive behind it.

Hunter Red-  Because there is.  Last summer you asked me if I was planning to take a vacation, which I wasn't planning to, then you asked me if I could help you put in the garden that you don't attend to anymore.  In the spring, you asked me what I was doing on Saturdays in March, when I said nothing much, you asked me to help you put in that display case in the front room.  Even when I was in rehab, when you knew where I was and what I was doing, you were texting me about wanting help getting at the photo albums.

Keith Red-  I told you that was a worthless pile of tin!

Allison Red-  Is it so wrong to ask my son for help?

Hunter Red-  No, it's not, but the way you ask for help aggravates me.  It makes me think that any conversation with you can be turned into a request for help.  Just be more direct about it.  Don't ask me if I'm doing anything on Tuesday, say to me "I'm doing something on Tuesday, can you help with it?"

Allison Red-  And you'll help with it?

Hunter Red-  Yes, assuming I don't have work or an appointment with my psychologist, I will gladly help you with whatever you are doing.

Allison is relieved to hear this.

Allison Red-  Okay.  I want to start finishing the basement on Saturday.  Can you help with that?

Hunter Red-  Yes, I can.  When do you need me to be here?

Allison Red-  I was thinking ten.

Hunter Red-  I'll be here.

Mother and son hug.  There is no good reason for this other than it fits the moment.

Allison Red-  Okay.  Now, go downstairs and see how your father is.

Keith Red-  What do you mean the hotrod is rusting from the inside?

Hunter Red-  Actually, I think I have an appointment with Dr. Anderson.

Allison is slightly amused by this.

END SCENE

First Impressions- Little Deviants (Vita)

First of all...

I GOT A VITA AND YOU DON'T!  NYA NYA NYA NYA NYA NYA!  :P

Included in the first edition bundle of the Sony PS Vita, which I have and you don't, is a game called Little Deviants.  When I first saw this game I was delighted.  Deviancy is something that I strive for as I feel conformity is something to be avoided at all costs.  So the thought of playing a game where I played as a deviant filled me with joy.  Then I played the game.

Little Deviants is more or less a proof of concept for two of the most highly touted features of the Vita.  The game utilizes the camera as well as the touchscreen on the back of the Vita in gameplay settings.  In practice this has mixed results.  The levels that utilize the camera are interesting, possibly more interesting if you are in an interesting place.  However, moving your Vita back and forth while sitting in a location may cause people to think that you are undergoing some sort of psychotic episode.  Seriously, my supervisors at work wanted to talk to me after seeing me play one of the camera utilizing levels in the breakroom at work.  They thought I was miming throttling someone.  Really.

The levels that utilize the back touchscreen also have mixed results.  I have often complained about playing games on my iPad because, in order to manipulate the game experience, I have to put my fingers in the way of what I'm playing.  Putting a touchpad on the back of the Vita is a way or going around this problem.  Now you can manipulate the game experience with your fingers without your fingers getting in the way of what you are playing.  However, this also brings up an additional problem.  When playing the levels of the game that utilized the back touchscreen, I had a hard time figuring out where my fingers were and where I should put them.  Sure when I put my fingers on the back touchscreen it became clear to me where my fingers were, but I prefer to know what I will do in a game environment before I do it.  As I played the game more I became more familiar with the placement of my fingers on the back touchscreen, but the problem of not seeing my fingers still came up sometimes while playing the game.

Overall, Little Deviants is a great game to start out playing the Vita with.  It allows you to come into contact with some of the new features of the PS Vita in a way that delights you in your very core.  It's not perfect, as the controls do take some getting used to, but Little Deviants is a good start.  I look forward to playing this game more in the future.

Hunter Red Submits His Name To Be A Judge

Hot on the heels of their lawsuit against SeaWorld, arguing that whales should get the same protections as humans, the activist group People For The Ethical Treatment Of Animals has filed a lawsuit against the organizers of the Westminster Dog Show.

PETA alleges that the group responsible for the annual high class event, The Westminster Kennel Club, engages in unethical conduct when judging the various canine contestants.  This judging includes a manual inspection of the dog's ears, teeth, neck, legs, paws, torso, tail, and genitals.  PETA's lawsuit centers on the genital inspection portion of the judging.  The lawsuit asserts that dogs should receive the same rights as humans under the law, and as such should receive protection from sexual assault by the people judging the competition.  The lawsuit calls that for the genital inspection portion of the canine judging be removed and that the judges who served at this year's Westminster Dog Show be brought up on rape charges.

The Westminster Kennel Club did try to keep this legal action quiet by attempting to settle this lawsuit out of court.  One of the offers that the WKC put on the table was an agreement that was also approved by The Trump Organization, owners of the Miss USA pageant.  In this agreement, genital inspection would not be removed from the judging portion of the Westminster Dog Show.  Rather, genital inspection would be added to the Miss USA pageant.  It is unclear as to where and when these inspections would take place, but Mr. Trump is said to be in talks with Pay Per View providers about some sort of "High Class Judge Show".

The lawsuit is expected to go to court in June.  This publication will keep you up to date on any developments in this case.

A The Redertainment Corporation Of America Special Report

Over the past couple of weeks, our reporter, Julia Diana Bobbi, has been researching a story about pornography on the internet.  While pornography on the internet is nothing new, Miss Bobbi has found a shocking uptick in the prevalence of one particular kind of pornographic content: Animal Child Porn.

While child pornography is reprehensible on it's own, and animal porn is in some circles equally sick, the combination of animal porn and child porn is something that is rarely seen.  However, according to the reporting of Miss Bobbi, this particular kind of pornography is being uploaded at a faster rate than ever before.  For this report, Julia Diana Bobbi prepared seventeen links that are examples of Animal Child Pornography.  We warn you, the pics that are at the links provided are disturbing.

1- This is a picture of a child, no more than six, with a dog, no more than three.

2- This is a young child with an equally young cat.

3- This is a picture of a baby engaged in some sort of food play with multiple dogs.

4- This is a child engaged in some sort of chocking game with a cat in the process of exhibiting his ears.

5- This is a picture of a large cat being taunted with a small child.

6- This is multiple young dogs "playing" with a very young child.

7- This picture is being touted as reminicent of donkey shows.

8- I don't want to describe where the mouth of this horse is.

9- This picture contains several animals "interacting" with several yound girls.

10- This is what is known as "glass play".

11- Sometimes adults are protrayed as going along on a "safari" with multiple children.

12- There are even movies available that protray this deviant behavior.

13- The display of long necks serve as a kind of sick turn on.

14- Occasionally costumes will be involved.

15- Not all of the pictures are happy. Some make an effort to display sadness.

16- Others revel in their depiction of happiness.

17- There are also animated versions available, serving two kind of fetishes.

Source

The Official The Redertainment Corporation Of America Valentine's Day Spectacular!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A Jumbled Perspective On Love

We help them by giving them our tools, our keys, our strategies for love that we think could easily work for them.  These people with a jumbled perspective on love simply can't connect the dots.  For those with a jumbled perspective on love, this doesn't help.  Like putting together a large jigsaw puzzle, for those with a jumbled perspective on love, figuring it out takes time and effort on their part.  They have to slowly put it together. 

They have to work on it.  They see people going on dates, eating dinner, walking hand in hand, being all lovey dovey, and are unable to see how one relates to another.  What's worse is that we know these people are out there.  They can't see one thing leading to another, leading to another, leading to an idealized goal.

They have to do it for themselves in order for the jumbled mess to become something clear, healthy, and, ultimately, beautiful.  We see them struggling in the arena of love.  They have to find strategies that work for them.  The way that love is different from person to person.  It changes based on the relationship we are in, the length of time spent in that relationship, the person you are with, other people you have been with, other people's relationships, instability in the world, and so on, and so on, and so on.  There is also a growing group of people to whom love is a jumbled mess.  Some people lack a healthy perspective on love.  To some, love is a long sought after thing.

No one else can do it for them.  Then we try to help them.  Most people with a jumbled perspective on love have tried figuring out the concept of love using many of the strategies that other have utilized.  We feel sorry for them because they are struggling while we are flourishing.  These people see love, either happening to themselves or to the people they observe, and can't make sense of it.  The fact that they still have the jumbled perspective is proof that those strategies haven't worked for them.

What lies above is a twenty-three sentence piece.  The first sentence of this piece can be called #1.  The last sentence of the piece can be called #23.  The sentences, rather than being arranged in the way that they normally are in pieces of work, are arranged randomly.  This is the way the individual sentences in this piece are arranged:

14, 9, 15, 18, 21

19, 7, 10, 8

23, 11, 20, 1, 2, 5, 3, 4,

22, 13, 16, 12, 6, 17

 

The Sleeping House

The Sleeping House

by Hunter Red

What follows is a dream.  A dream I had one night when my mind would appreciate dreams of this nature.  This dream took place in one of those cookie-cutter split level homes that seem to be built any place where large sections of farmland used to be.  The home is decorated with mementos of the places where the family who lives in the house has visited, either on vacation or because they just happened to be there.  There are also pictures on the wall of the family, dressed in sweaters, nice pants, and completely unflattering blouses, all staring at the camera and smiling for no discernible reason.

In the dream, it's late and the house is dark and still.  Only a couple of lights are on in the house, most prominently one over the front door.  I'm watching the door as the deadbolt is disengaged and the slightly carved piece of lumber opens.  A man steps into the light under the front door before closing the door behind him.  A dark skinned gentleman about fifty years of age with slightly graying hair and goatee, wearing a nice business suit.

The man is quiet, deliberately so, as he removes his jacket and dress shoes, setting them delicately onto the shelves and hangers where the rest of the family's shoes and coats also are set.  The man looks around the house, his house, checking if any other lights are lit inside, before venturing upstairs when the rest of the occupants of the house, their house, are in slumber.  The men steps lightly and quietly, ensuring that the stairs he is ascending do not creek nor that his steps resonate through the sleeping house.  The man keeps his steps soft and his movements quiet as he opens the door to the first bedroom at the top of the stairs.

Inside the bedroom is calm and dark, the only light therein coming from an alarm clock.  Not much can be seen inside the bedroom, except for one person.  One small, young girl, no more than six or seven, her skin barely visible in the darkness of the night.  She lays in her small, young bed, sleeping through the night with nary a care in the world.  The man juts his head into the small, young girl's room, sees she is there and asleep, then leaves the room as quietly as he entered it.  The man followes the same routine as he checks in on a tall, lovely young lady, fourteen years of age, a strapping young man, sixteen years of age, and a boy who's very sight brought a smile to the man's face, four years of age.

After finishing his check-in with the younger members of the family, the man, maintaining his purposeful silence, makes his way down the hall to the door leading to the largest bedroom in the house.  The man opens the door, in the quiet way he had before, but this time enters the room, closing the door behind him.  The room was warm and dimly lit, the only light coming from a small bedside lamp.  The room is minimally furnished, containing only a king size bed and a small dresser.  The man looks over the room and lets out a large yet quiet sigh, an outward expression of comfort.

The man approaches the dresser and begins to empty the contents of his pockets onto it's large flat surface.  The man's keys, wallet, and a small amount of pocket change are placed delicately next to objects of similar kind.  A large yet not too flashy watch is placed near another watch that, while small, reflected the brilliance of it's owner.  Finally, the man's cellphone is placed in it's charging station, causing the phone's wallpaper to be momentarily displayed, a wallpaper similar to one of the family portraits hanging downstairs.

A small walk-in closet is attached to the room.  This closet is filled with a wide variety of clothes, although only a small percentage of those clothes belonged to the man.  The man enters this room and begins undressing, placing his work clothes in a pile next to his pajamas, which he then slips into.  After finishing the slight transformation, the man steps back into the room.  He surveys the room, then focuses on the bed, in particular the person that was already in it.

Undisturbed and peacefully ambivalent to the world, a woman lays in her warm, soft bed, attempting to brush off the weight of her day.  Clad in purple silk and wrapped all around in layers of goose down, this ebony queen is a vision of perpetual beauty.  The man looks upon this woman, his loving bride, sleeping in the bed, their bed, and gives a quick prayer, thanking his just and noble lord for blessing his with a companion so fine, so fair, so much a woman.

The man walks over to the small lamp that sits beside his bed and makes his first purposeful scrap of noise when he clicks the lamp off.  As smoothly as he slipped into his pajamas, the man and his pajamas slips into his side of the cloud.  Looking one again at his wife, his love, his perfect joy, the man drifts off to a blissful sleep.