The Muhammad Sketch And Others

Marcus- The Hand That Feeds

Marcus, Utah native known for his appearances on Last Comic Standing and the Geek Show Podcast, will be performing live at Kingston Hall. This is not just an ordinary performance, this performance will be filmed for the upcoming comedy special "The Hand That Feeds". Tickets are on sale right now at Tickets close to the stage costs only $35. Gets your tickets early as this show is expected to sell out.

The Muhammad Sketch

Four people are seen sitting around a table playing poker. These people are Jesus, Muhammad, Mario, and Ronald Reagan. A game has just wrapped up and it's time to deal out another hand. Muhammad takes the cards, and starts to shuffle them, and says-

Muhammad- I'll deal this hand.
Jesus- Allright, it'll give me a chance to check my mail.
Jesus takes his smart phone out of his pocket and checks his email.
Jesus- Oh man.
Mario- What is it Jesus?
Jesus- I'm getting all these prayers sent to me, and most of it is the usual fare. Help me with my job interview, help me ace this test, help me nail this broad, but this, this last one is the worst.
Muhammad- What is it?
Jesus- It says, "Dear lord almighty, hollowed be thy name, please help me kill this abortion doctor, amen."
Mario- Oh man.
Muhammad- I hate prayers like that.
Jesus- I mean, do they honestly expect me to help with that? Next thing they'll do is ask for my help to blow things up.
Muhammad- Don't you already get that? Didn't that Eric Rudolph guy blow stuff up in your name?
Jesus facepalms.
Jesus- That's right.
Muhammad- Well, don't make a habit of facepalming over everybody who bombs in your name. If I did that my hand would be over my face constantly.
Muhammad starts dealing out the cards.
Mario- What about the people who threaten people who make pictures of you?
Muhammad- Oh, that is so embarrassing to me.
Jesus- Well, they probably wouldn't have such a big problem with it if you weren't so preoccupied with that blemish you have.
Muhammad- I know, this mole will be the end of me.
Muhammad finishes dealing out the cards.
Muhammad- Okay, everyone ante up.
Jesus, Muhammad, Mario, and Ronald Reagan all throw chips into the pot.
Muhammad- What about you Ron? You've been quiet all night, what do you think of people doing stuff and involving the memory of you while doing so.
Ronald Reagan- I like pudding.
The other people at the table look at Ronald Reagan oddly.
Mario- What?
Ronald Reagan- I like pudding. I like eat pudding with spoon. Sometimes I eat pudding with fork, but that not as good as spoon.
Muhammad- Okay.
Ronald Reagan- I try eating pudding with a knife but then I make cherry pudding, and I no like cherry pudding.
Jesus- Is he playing stupid or is he really senile?
Muhammad- He does this every time anyone brings up problems with the conservative movement. Just watch how his eyes light up when we bring up his movies,
Ronald Reagan- I'm going to with this pot for the Gipper.
Jesus- Well at least Mario here doesn't have that problem. No one worships Mario like they do us.
Mario- Are you kidding me? There's this black kid on the internet who'd bow down in front of me if I appeared in front of him.
Ronald Reagan- I have millions of people who'd do that for me.
Mario- Besides, that's not what the biggest problem is.
Jesus- What is it my son?
Mario- There are people who take magic mushrooms because they think they'll give them the same kind of powers I have.
There is a short pause.
Muhammad- Lets' see here: People taking mushrooms because they think they'll be able to break bricks with their heads or people blowing up buildings because they think they'll end up nailing hot broads in heaven.
Ronald Reagan- Are you talking about your followers or mine?
Mario- Okay, your problem isn't as big as mine, but it leads back to the same problem. All of us strove to create worlds where peace and love reigned supreme, and now people are using our names to commit acts that seek to tear society apart.
There is a long pause.
Muhammad- What is your point?
Mario- My point is we need to do something about this, and not just sitting around playing poker.
There is another long pause. Then Nancy Reagan pokes her head into the room and says-
Nancy Reagan- Oh Ronnie, why don't you come to bed big boy?
Ronald Reagan springs up from the table and says-
Ronald Reagan- Yay! Me take blue pill and take happy ride! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!
Ronald Reagan leaves the poker table and joins Nancy upstairs.
Mario- Well, what are we supposed to do now? We need a fourth to play.
Muhammad- Why?
Mario- It's always more fun with four people.
Jesus takes out his smartphone and says-
Jesus- I'll see if Steve Jobs can come and play with us.
Jesus calls Steve Jobs as Mario studies his cards and Muhammad starts to count how many chips he has left.


John Cleese On Extremism

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