Fuckton Of Venomous Heroes

Note: This was written on Monday, February 21st, before the trade on Wednesday.
Red Interview- Deron Williams

On a raised platform with two chairs on it, two people sit. Julia Diana Bobbi and Deron Williams, both pictured above, are set for the show.

Julia Diana Bobbi- Good evening, and welcome to Red Interview. I am Julia Diana Bobbi. With me today is Deron Williams. Deron is a two-time All-Star and a gold medal winner at the 2008 Summer Olympics. Mr. Williams, welcome to the show.
Deron Williams- Thanks for having me.
Julia Diana Bobbi- Mr. Williams, recently reports have it that you are very dissatisfied here in Utah. Rumors are that you forced out long time Utah Jazz coach, Jerry Sloan, and that you have said that, upon reaching free agency, that it is your intent to sign with the New York Knicks. Deron, I'd like to first ask you, are you dissatisfied with the Utah Jazz organization?
Deron Williams- No. The Jazz is one of the best run teams in the league. I am amazed at the way that they identify young and unknown talent, develop that talent, and continue to put on the court a consistently competitive team.
Julia Diana Bobbi- If you aren't dissatisfied with the organization, why are these rumors circulating, Deron?
Deron Williams- My dissatisfaction isn't with the Utah Jazz organization, it's with the state of Utah.
Julia Diana Bobbi- How do you mean?
Deron Williams- Look, most of the year, I love living and working in Utah. The people here are warm and inviting, some of the most generous people I've even come across. Most of the year, I feel absolutely welcome here. But, my feelings about the people of Utah change when the legislature is in session.
Julia Diana Bobbi- You mean the Utah State Legislature?
Deron Williams- That is correct. The kinds of things that I hear come out of the mouths of the politicians here is almost the exact opposite of that I hear from normal everyday people. The kind of venomous hatred is something I would think that people of Utah would abhor, but they don't. Not only does the public at large not call out these politicians for what they say, they continue to vote them into office. The people of Utah seem to be affirming, year after year, the unvarnished hatred that seems to spew out of these politicians mouths.
Julia Diana Bobbi- I hear what you are saying, but I cannot help but disagree. There are plenty of fine people working up at Utah's Capital Hill, and they do exceptional work for the people of Utah.
Deron Williams- Like what?
Julia Diana Bobbi- What do you mean?
Deron Williams- Like what? You said that these politicians do exceptional work. What are they doing, and who is doing this fine work?

Julia Diana Bobbi is flustered for a moment.

Julia Diana Bobbi- Well, nothing comes to mind instantly, but I'm sure that I can find something.
Deron Williams- I doubt it.
Julia Diana Bobbi- Well, that's all the time we have for the Red Interview. I'm Julia Diana Bobbi, reminding you not to eat gum that you find in a parking lot. Wait. Who wrote that? Hunter!

Julia Diana Bobbi storms off the stage as the scene ends.


END SCENE



Modern Day Profiteering

The recent turmoil in the Middle East has caused some people to ask how this will affect things at home in America. These people are selfish. However, some effects from the Middle East are starting to be felt. In the past week, gas prices have gone up twenty-five cents a gallon over the past month, and over the past year up forty-three cents a gallon. This increase in fuel prices is expected to have a ripple effect across the consumer economy, with prices in food, clothing, and toiletries expected to go up as the price of shipping these goods goes up. However, there is one consumer product who's price increase is truly unexpected in this economy. Video games. Specifically, video games put out by The Great Empire Of Activision.

In a statement released on Monday, The Great Empire Of Activision announced a twenty percent increase in the cost of all of it's products. This includes video games, video game accessories, merchandise, Tony Hawk branded cologne, and subscriptions to World Of Warcraft. The Great Empire Of Activison attributes this cost increase to the increased cost of developing games, manufacturing games, shipping games, and maintaining the servers necessary to play the any games it provides online services for. All of those increases, The Great Empire Of Activision says, can be attributed to the increased price in fuel.

When asked if this move was wise in this current economic climate, and with video games being seen by some as a luxury, President of The Great Empire Of Activision, Bobby Kotick, said:

"How dare you! You dare to question the decisions made by The Great Empire Of Activision? You cur! Do you not realize just who you are questioning? We are The Great Empire Of Activision, damn it, and we deserve your infinite respect and honor. So we are making a fuckton of money, and this move will result in us making a slightly larger fuckton of money, we don't care. The Great Empire Of Activision's stance on this is that all the money you have belongs to us, as everything in this world and worlds beyond rightfully does. Quote the Kotick, nevermore."

When asked is this stance was wise given that the same stance is held by Chevron, BP, Shell, ExxonMobil, Koch Industries, and nearly every other oil company in America, Mr. Kotick's response was, "Don't make me go Libya on your ass. Quote the Kotick, nevermore."

Consumer response to this move has been mixed. DarkElf43345 said, "I don't want to pay the extra money, but I can't help it. I need the WoW. I can't live without it." JudyOffspring54356 said, "Well, I guess I'll have to reach deeper into my pocket to buy the next Guitar Hero game. Wait. THEY DID WHAT!!!" Finally, CognacAficionado was heard to say, "I can not possibly see how this will affect a rich, sophisticated man such as myself. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to play a game of such refinement, that it is only worthy of people such as myself. I'm off to play King's Quest."



We Don't Need Another Guitar Hero (Limitless)

Ever since the announcement of the cancellation of the Guitar Hero franchise by The Great Empire Of Activision, the reason for doing so was well known. However, what was not know was in what way was this announcement made internally. Through connections and light bribery, this publication has been able to obtain that internal memo. The memo was penned by President of The Great Empire Of Activision, Bobby Kotick.

OUT OF THE RUINS, OUT FROM THE WRECKAGE, WE CAN`T MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE THIS TIME. WE ARE THE CREATORS OF THIS GENERATION. WE ARE THE ONES WHO WON'T BE LEFT BEHIND. I AM THE MAN WHO WILL ENACT THE CHANGE. I DO NOT EVER FEAR THAT WE WILL NOT REMAIN.

WE DON`T NEED ANOTHER GUITAR HERO. WE DON'T NEED TO CONTINUE THIS GAME. ALL I WANT IS PROFITS BEYOND LIMITLESS.

WE'RE LOOKING FOR GAMES WE CAN EXPLOIT. THERE`S GOTTA BE SOMETHING PROFITABLE OUT THERE. ORIGINALITY, THE END IS COMING. ALL THAT IS LEFT WILL BE OURS TO TAKE. AND I AM THE MAN WHO WILL ENACT THE CHANGE. I DO NOT EVER FEAR THAT WE WILL STILL REMAIN.

ALL THE SUITS SAY WE DON`T NEED ANOTHER GUITAR HERO. WE DON'T NEED TO CONTINUE THIS GAME. ALL I WANT IS PROFITS BEYOND LIMITLESS.

WE WILL SURELY DO THAT. WE WILL LEAVE A LOTTA CASH. THE EMPIRE WILL SHINE LIKE A LIGHT IN THE CURRENT DARKNESS. GIVE IT ALL OR NOTHING!

WE DON`T NEED ANOTHER GUITAR HERO. WE DON'T NEED TO CONTINUE THIS GAME. ALL I WANT IS PROFITS BEYOND LIMITLESS.

First Fake Interviews, Now...

Red Guest- The Rachel Maddow Show

Rachel Maddow is sitting in her New York MSNBC studio doing her show as she usually does.

Coming up, my exclusive interview with Matt Taibbi. He will talk to us about Rolling Stone's lawsuit against Rolling Stone, the Ugandan newspaper that printed the names and addresses of several gay men, many of whom were subsequently killed. That is coming up, but first many states have a wide variety of state emblems. Montana, for instance, has deemed the Grizzly Bear to be it's official animal. Oklahoma has the festive Mistletoe as it's state flower. And New York has decreed that the cute as a bug Ladybug it the state insect. Utah has many state emblems. Ranging from it's state fossil being the Allosaurus, the state folk dance being the square dance, and the state cooking pot being the dutch oven. Dutch oven cooking has a unique place in Utah history, calling back to Utah's pioneer roots. Explorers like Jim Bridger and Peter Skene Ogden would often cook up delicious stews and tasty fruit cobblers while they were out on their trapping excursions.

Now the state of Utah is set to decree another state emblem. A gun. The Browning M1911 semiautomatic pistol, invented by Utah native Jim Browning, yes that Browning, is set to be decreed the official state firearm of the state of Utah. This move is considered to be quite peculiar after the shootings in Tucson, as well as increasing amounts of gun crime in Mexico being linked to firearms purchased in the states surrounding the US/Mexico border.

Hunter Red, pictured above, joins Rachel Maddow at her New York studio, sitting camera left.

Rachel Maddow- Here to try to make sense of it is Hunter Red, writer and blogger for The Four Stars Blog. Hunter, thank you being here.
Hunter Red- Thanks for having me.
Rachel Maddow- I heard about this story a couple of weeks ago, and I didn't believe that I saw. No state in the nation has an official state gun, Utah would be the first. Why do you think they would do this?
Hunter Red- Well, you touched on it in your intro. The Browning M1911 was invented by Jim Browning, who was born in Ogden, Utah. Much of his life's work was done in Utah, and the Browning Arms Company continues to be headquartered in Mountain Green, Utah.
Rachel Maddow- But why now? Why is the Utah state legislature moving to honor a gun?
Hunter Red- They aren't trying to honor a gun, they're trying to honor the man, Jim Browning. They tried honoring Jim Browning last year and was unsuccessful in doing so.
Rachel Maddow- How so?
Hunter Red- Well, last year, the state legislature proposed giving Jim Browning his own holiday. Now, they didn't want to give him his own day. Instead, they wanted to combine it with an already established holiday.
Rachel Maddow- What holiday was that?
Hunter Red- Martin Luther King Day.

Rachel Maddow is shocked by this.

Rachel Maddow- Martin Luther King Day?
Hunter Red- Yes.
Rachel Maddow- The civil rights leader?
Hunter Red- Yes.
Rachel Maddow- The man who was shot with a gun?
Hunter Red- Yes.
Rachel Maddow- Wow. That is really messed up.
Hunter Red- It didn't take you long to come to that conclusion, did it?
Rachel Maddow- No it did not. I also wanted to talk to you about Curtis Oda's bill-
Hunter Red- The feral animal bill?
Rachel Maddow- Yes. Now, on the face of it, this seems totally repugnant.
Hunter Red- Yes, it does. Fortunately, when the bill was put through committee, the bill was softened a bit. Now the bill says that you can only kill an animal that you think is ferall and is attacking you.
Rachel Maddow- That's good to hear, but why was this law proposed in the first place?
Hunter Red- The issue of feral animals, particularly in rural areas, is something that was brought up when a law criminalizing animal cruelty was passed two years ago. In fact, this issue is why the same bill was tabled the year before it was passed.
Rachel Maddow- So, they are just concerned with untamed animals in rural areas?
Hunter Red- Not all untamed animals. Just things like cats. dogs, and rodents.
Rachel Maddow- This- this is just a little to much for me to comprehend. I wonder why Utah, particularly it's state legislature, is acting, what seems to me, to be a little bit crazy this year.
Hunter Red- This year?
Rachel Maddow- Yes, this year.
Hunter Red- Rachel, it was worse last year.
Rachel Maddow- How so?
Hunter Red- Well, in addition to the proposed Jim Browning holiday, there was a law, actually passed, that decrees that the state of Utah has jurisdiction over the population of wolves within it's borders. Now there are two distinct problems with this.
Rachel Maddow- Is the first that wolves are an endangered species, and therefore it's population is under the control of the federal government?
Hunter Red- Yes, that is the first problem. The second is that there are no wolves in the state of Utah.
Rachel Maddow- None?
Hunter Red- None.
Rachel Maddow- But, how can you control a population that does not exist in your state? That would be like me saying that I have control of all of the dutch oven cooking pots in this studio, despite the fact that there are no dutch oven cooking pots in this studio.
Hunter Red- Exactly. There is also the dual resignations that bookended the last legislative session.
Rachel Maddow- You are referring to the resignation of former governor John Huntsman?
Hunter Red- No. I am referring to the resignations of Sheldon Killpack and Kevin Garn.
Rachel Maddow- What happened there?
Hunter Red- I could tell you, but I think this segment is about over-
Rachel Maddow- We can go long if you like.
Hunter Red- I don't want to obstruct with the flow of the show, or take any time away from the Rolling Stone story. But, what I would like to touch upon is the interview given last year by state senator Chris Buttars.
Rachel Maddow- Chris Buttars. Who is that?
Hunter Red- Chris Buttars is senator who's legislative efforts work to, in my opinion, make the state of Utah a more inhospitable place to homosexuals and liberals in general.
Rachel Maddow- That can be debated, but go on.
Hunter Red- Last year, Buttars gave an interview to Reed Cowen, former Utah news reporter who was working in a documentary.
Rachel Maddow- Which documentary was that?
Hunter Red- 8: The Mormon Proposition. As a part of this documentary, Chris gave an interview where he said several inflammatory things towards homosexuals. These are comments that I thought, given your championing of gay issues, would have just run with.
Rachel Maddow- Which comments are those?
Hunter Red- First, Chris said that all homosexuals engage in pig sex.
Rachel Maddow- Pig sex? What is that?
Hunter Red- I don't know, and neither did Reed Cowen, who asked Buttars to elaborate on what pig sex was. Chris wouldn't explain, since he was in a public place and didn't want to describe behavior like that in public. But, Buttars said that all gay people know what pig sex is. Buttars was saying this to Mr. Cowen, who had no idea what he was talking about and is gay.
Rachel Maddow- I'm getting the wrap it up signal from my producer.
Hunter Red- Okay, the second thing Buttars said in that interview was "Homosexuality is the greatest threat is America going down today."

Rachel is stunned by this.

Rachel Maddow- What?

Hunter Red is smiling.

Hunter Red- Yes.
Rachel Maddow- Chris Buttars said that, in that way, with that exact vocabulary?
Hunter Red- Yes, he said exactly that.
Rachel Maddow- Wow. Looks like we may be paying more attention to the goings on in the Utah state legislature in the future.
Hunter Red- About damn time.
Rachel Maddow- Thanks you, Hunter, for being here.
Hunter Red- My pleasure.
Rachel Maddow- Up next, my interview with Matt Taibbi about the Ugandan Rolling Stone situation. Stay tuned.


END SCENE



Red Impressions: Hulu Plus

On Monday I started fooling around with Hulu Plus. I wanted to watch Fringe and was tired of watching it on my laptop. As it turns out, Hulu Plus doesn't offer Fringe, The Simpsons, It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia, or the shows on G4 that I watch on Hulu because I have DirecTV.

However, many of the shows that I currently watch on Hulu are on Hulu Plus. House, 30 Rock, and The Office are prime examples. I recently caught up on Parks And Rec. I also caught up on Family Guy, which looks remarkable in high definition. There's also one show recently added to Hulu Plus that I can't function without.

The Colbert Report, with The Rev. Sir Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A.. Before viewing the Colbert Report on Hulu Plus, I had never seen the great The Rev. Sir Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A. in high definition before, and I never want to go back. As mesmerized as I was by his image before, I am even more enticed by The Rev. Sir Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A. now. Sure, The Daily Show is also on Hulu Plus, but all high def does for that show is make Jon Stewart look even older than he does in standard def.

The biggest complaint I have in relation to this service has nothing to do with Hulu Plus. Rather, it has to do with the online architecture that I dues to connect to Hulu Plus. You see, I watched Hulu Plus on my Playstation 3, which is connected to the internet via the Playstation Network, and PSN sucks. This is a chronic problem I've had with PSN. I've tried diagnosing it on my end. My ISP isn't to blame, my modem isn't to blame, my wireless router isn't to blame, the wireless connector inside the PS3 isn't to blame, I can't find anything on my end that would prevent me from getting connected, staying connected, and maintaining a decent speed on PSN.

Overall, Hulu Plus is a nice service. It's not a replacement for my DirecTV, but is a great way to see television shows in HD anytime I want. The connectivity problems are a drawback, but hopefully will be solved when the Xbox 360 Hulu Plus service is rolled out. Here's hoping they work out a deal so I can finally experience Fringe in the high definition awesomeness I've been hearing about.

Hulu Plus: A

I Spit On Your Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day At The Redertainment Corporation Of America

It's Valentine's Day at the official offices of The Redertainment Corporation Of America. A camera on a track slowly rolls through the offices, seeing each of the employees and what they are doing on this very special day. The first employee seen is the President of The Redertainment Corporation Of America, Rodger Red.

Rodger Red is sitting at his desk holding a framed picture and drinking some scotch.

Rodger Red- There are many days that I think of you, my beloved Joan. Why the good Lord took you away from me, I'll never know, but I will always treasure the decades we shared together, and the eternity that we will share in heaven.

Rodger finishes off his glass of scotch as the camera continues rolling toward Julia Diana Bobbi's office.

Julia Diana Bobbi is sitting at her desk talking to someone on the phone. There are a dozen roses sitting on her left side and a small package sitting on her right.

Julia Diana Bobbi- Yes, John, I received them just now. They are lovely, thank you.

Julia listens to the phone a little more.

Julia Diana Bobbi- You want me to open it now, instead of waiting for dinner? Okay.

Julia opens the package. She pulls out what's inside.

Julia Diana Bobbi- John, I like the material of this thing, but what am I supposed to do with a slingshot?

The package did not contain a slingshot, it contained a pair of thong underwear. Julia has this puzzled look on her face as the camera leaves her office and continues rolling along to LIz's desk. Liz is busy typing along on her computer when a pair of kids come and attack her.

Kids- Happy Valentine's Day Grandma!

They are Liz's grandchildren. Liz's daughter, Jenna, has brought the grandchildren over bearing cards, candy, and cute stuffed animals.

Liz- Why thank you kids. It's so good to see you. Now, who wants some chocolate?

Kids- Me! Me! Me!

Liz and the Kids begin to dig into the chocolates as the camera continues rolling along. The last employee of The Redertainment Corporation Of America seen is Hunter Red. His office is dark, with only his computer providing any light in his office. Hunter is sad.

Hunter- You know, on days like this, I used to be able to drink myself into a stupor. Now that I'm dealing with my alcoholism in a responsible manner, I can't really do that. But still, how can I escape this day of misery for all the unfortunately single?

Hunter looks on his desk.

Hunter- Look, I have mail.

Hunter goes through his mail.

Hunter- Look, I got Netflix.

Hunter opens his Netflix envelope.

Hunter- Look, I got I Spit On Your Grave.

Hunter Red looks at the camera with a devilish look on his face.

Hunter Red- Happy Valentine's Day.

END SCENE

Red Review: I Spit On Your Grave

One of the best movies I've ever seen is 13 Tzameti. It's a 2005 French black and white suspense film, a remake of which is set for a March 13th release date. As a viewer, you spent most of the film asking where the characters are going and what they are going to do when they get there. Once the characters get to the place they're going to, the rest of the film is spent hoping that the characters survive what they've gotten themselves into. What makes 13 Tzameti great isn't what you know, it's what you don't know, it's what the filmmakers don't show you.

The makers of I Spit On Your Grave take an almost opposite approach to their film. They show you everything. Everything. EVERYTHING. All of the worst parts of human behavior is on display in this film, every detail of it. All of it. All. The amount of detail in this film is at times hard to watch. The worst part of this film is that there isn't any lift to it. This movie is creepy from start to finish. I'd be different if this film started from a good place and devolved into what it is, but it doesn't. About the only positive thing about this movie is that the victim gets her revenge in the end. It's a brutal, graphic, grotesque revenge, but it is revenge.

I Spit On Your Grave: Not Recommended, unless you really, REALLY, want to watch something fucked up

Really Offensive Recasting

Really

Hello, I'm J. Peterman. Really. It brings me pride to tell you today about my company. The J. Peterman Company, a real company that really exists.

At The J. Peterman Company, really, we specialize in fine hand crafted overcoats and boots. The J. Peterman Company's line of apparel is ideal for going out to see a play, conversing with friends at a wine tasting, or any number of occasions where an outward expression of style and class is a must. The J. Peterman Company, however, does not deal in puffy shirts, male brassieres, or any other product connected with the television comedy Seinfeld. So stop asking.

We here at The J. Peterman Company are proud to unveil our latest product. The J. Peterman Company's Fine Organic Maintenance Oil. This oil is ideal for keeping your leather boots, jackets, and gloves soft to the touch, even under the most extreme of conditions. This oil also adds a musk to your leather attire. This odor is subtle without being in any way overpowering. This oil has been found to work best on leather. We have no idea if our Fine Organic Maintenance Oil will prevent or stop your car from smelling like butt. So stop asking.

The J. Peterman Company. A real company that really exists. Really.



John Lennon Is Still Dead

I learned about One Laptop Per Child when they were profiled on 60 Minutes. One Laptop Per Child is a charity that seeks to give good, cheap laptop computers to disaffected children in Africa. I found their efforts to be inspiring, and wanted to contribute to their cause. However, like most things on 60 Minutes, my thoughts about this story was soon replaced by how much I dislike Andy Rooney. I mean come on, Bob Schieffer gives better, more relevant commentary on life, and he looks to be way younger than Andy.

Recently, One Laptop Per Child came to my mind again, but this time I was offended by what I saw. Before you watch this video, know this: John Lennon is dead and has been since 1980.





Two and a Half Spin City

Hello, I am Leslie Moonves, President Of CBS Broadcasting. Recently, the star of one of our highest rated shows, Charlie Sheen, was checked into rehab. He did this because we threatened him with firing him, which would result in the cutting off of his cocaine and hooker supply.

Many people have speculated that, in his absence, his show, Two And A Half Men, would be put on hiatus, but that will not happen. We here at CBS do not want to see any of our great programming go off the air. We are committed to fine programming such as CSI: Miami, Mike And Molly, and Undercover Boss. Our commitment to Two And A Half Men has driven us to temporarily recast the role filled by Charlie Sheen.

There are several actors we look at for this role. First we tried Charlie's father, Martin Sheen. Then we realized that he's too old to fill the role, despite the fact that Martin Sheen looks to be younger than his son. Next we thought to fill Charlie's role with the person he replaced on his last show, Michael J. Fox. Once we met him we realized how shaky of a move that is. Finally, we thought outside the box and found the perfect person to fill the role played by Charlie Sheen. This person is well known, revered in the industry, and, most importantly, is not working right now.

It is my pleasure to present to you, this new episode of Two And A Half Men. Enjoy.


The show opens with Alan and Jake entering Charlie's house. They are arguing.

Alan- I don't understand why you have detention, again.
Jake- It's not my fault.
Alan- You spread dish soap on the floor of your cafeteria and filmed people fall down while other people laughed.
Jake- It was a bet.

From out of the kitchen, a woman emerged holding a plate with an omelet on it. The woman is Heather Locklear.

Heather Locklear- Hey guys.

Alan is struck with how attractive this woman is.

Alan- Hello.

Jake is oblivious to this woman.

Jake- Hey.
Alan- Are you new to the neighborhood?
Heather Locklear- Alan, don't mess with me like that.
Alan- What do you mean?
Heather Locklear- Look man, you're my brother, but I will kick you out of my house if you keep on messing around with me like that.

Alan is perplexed by this.

Alan- Who are you?
Heather Locklear- I'm Charlie.

The audience laughs.

Alan- You're Charlie.
Heather Locklear- Yes.
Jake- My uncle, Charlie?
Heather Locklear- Yes.
Alan- When did you start drinking?

Just then a Random Whore appears at the stairs that lead to Charlie's bedroom.

Random Whore- Charlie, are you coming back to bed, honey?
Heather Locklear- Did you find that "thing" we lost earlier?
Random Whore- No, and I searched all over with my soft delicate hands for it.
Heather Locklear- Hmm. I'll have to help you.

Heather Locklear makes his way from the kitchen up the stairs with the Random Whore. Alan and Jake watch all this with amazement.

Alan- Did that just happen?
Jake- Does Charlie still have that camera set up?
Alan- If not, it's about to be.

The audience laughs.


END SCENE



Copy, Paste, Edit

The Denver Post reported on Thursday that a twenty-six year old woman had her six children taken away from her because she neglected them after becoming addicted to video games.

The Kansas City Star reported on Tuesday that a twenty-six year old woman had her six children taken away from her because she neglected them after becoming addicted to knitting.

The Fresno Bee reported on Friday that a twenty-six year old woman had her six children taken away from her because she neglected them after becoming addicted to building hot rods.

The Birmingham News reported on Monday that a twenty-six year old woman had her six children taken away from her because she neglected them after becoming addicted to participating in Civil War reenactments.

The Chicago Sun-Times reported on Wednesday that a twenty-six year old woman had her six children taken away from her because she neglected them after becoming addicted to beer league softball.

The Boston Globe reported on Saturday that a twenty-six year old woman had her six children taken away from her because she neglected them after becoming addicted to Twilight.

The Seattle Times reported on Sunday that a twenty-six year old woman had her six children taken away from her because she neglected them after becoming addicted to podcasting.



Red Review: Dead Space 2




As a part of it's advertising campaign for Dead Space 2, Electronic Arts released the ad embedded above. The ad states that my mother would hate this game, implying that I should buy this game because my mom would not like it. I decided to test out this claim. I bought Dead Space 2 and gave it to my mother, Allison Red, to review.

I have no idea why my son gave me this game. I don't have time to play video games, I'm too busy with Farmville. Maybe his father, Keith, will enjoy this.

Wait, you mean I can use this Playstation 3 my son bought us to play video games? I've only used that thing to watch movies. By the way, Moon was fucking awesome. I think I'll leave it here for my useless boyfriend-in-law to play.

Dead Space 2!?! Wow! I heard this game was really fucked up. Hey, you know what would be really fucked up?

When I came home from school, my Daddy let me play a video game. I don't like the name of the game because dead things make me sad, but I do like the two because two is my favorite number. This game is scary. There's monsters all over the place who jump out and attack you and scare you and make you dead. Death is scary and scary things make me sad. Hey look, Mom's home! Mommy, guess what Daddy let me play.

What the fuck are you fucking thinking fucking letting my daughter fucking play that fucking game you fucking fucking FUCKING idiot!!!!!!!!!!

What are you yelling at me for? I didn't let Hope play Dead Space 2, Sam did. And why the fuck did you destroy my game? How am I supposed to trade this in now?

Dead Space 2: A



Other Options

After seeing the Super Bowl XLV halftime show, and seeing the overwhelmingly negative response to it on Twitter, I thought I'd list off several bands that would have made for a better show. This is my opinion and my opinion only, so if you disagree, you suck.

Metallica. Seriously, how have they not done a halftime performance yet? The NFL is okay with Metallica being played over the PA system but not during halftime?




The Raconteurs, The Dead Weather, or anything Jack White is participating in. Watch It Might Get Loud if you want proof of Jack White's awesomeness.




Jack Johnson. Don't look at me like that, Jack Johnson is awesome. He's like peacefullness wrapped in bliss wrapped and happy happy pot smoke.




Jay-Z. Jay-Z makes for an awesome show in general, in front of a worldwide stage it would be awesome. I'd love to see him live just once.




Green Day performing at the Super Bowl would serve as great advertisement for their Broadway show. Also, people could participate in the show via Green Day Rock Band.




Super Bowl XLVI will take place at Lucas Oil Stadium in Indianapolis, Indiana. A popular band from Indiana would be great for this halftime show. Let's see if there's anybody who'd be good to fill this role.

Looks up rock bands from Indiana on Wikipedia. Finds nothing.

Oh. Never mind.

My last suggestion, The Strokes. There was a time that I listened to The Stokes's Room On Fire CD everyday. That is also the time that I wore fingerless gloves and styled my hair like Ric Ocasek.