Blissful Impressionistic Drug Humor

Slipknot Is Bliss

Hunter and Robin are sitting outside at an outdoor cafe just down the street from the offices of the Redertainment Corporation Of America. They are eating lunch and taking in the environment that surrounds them. The sun is out the weather is warm, birds are chirping, and no vagrants are present. Robin looks around at this nice day and say-

Robin- Hunter, don't you just think this is a nice day today?
Hunter- I don't know. It's a bit to metally.

Robin finds this comment odd. She looks at Hunter and sees he's got his headphones in and is listening to Slipknot.

Robin- Honey.
Hunter- Yes dear?
Robin- (Yelling at the top of her lungs.) Take off your damn headphones!

The tranquility that had previously surrounded Robin and Hunter is shattered. Birds fly away, the air starts to cool, and a homeless man shows up to beg for change. As Hunter removes his headphones, a light rain begins to fall. Robin gets up and leaves as Hunter sits there in the steadily increasing downpour.

END SCENE



Final Fantasy XIII Last Impressions

People have openly wondered what the difference is between western developed RPGs and japanese developed RPGs. The difference, as far as I can tell, is mission structure. JRPGs utilize a more narrative style to deliver the missions to you, telling you of these missions in cut scenes and dialog with NPCs. Examples of this mission structure are the Final Fantasy series, Xenosaga, and Star Ocean. Western RPGs actually give you missions, like you were a spy working for the NSA or a guy who needs explicit directives in order to accomplish anything. Examples of this mission structure are Fallout 3, Knights of the Old Republic, and Fable.

I came to this realization as I began to wonder why I didn't enjoy the latest Final Fantasy game, FF XIII, as much as I have other Final Fantasy games in the past. It's a great game, I gave it a B, but I didn't really enjoy it. There was a point while playing FFXIII where I swore so loud that my neighbor heard it. Granted my window was open at the time, but my neighbor generally doesn't give a fuck what I do.

Then I remembered how much I loved Fallout 3. It's an RPG with many elements of a Final Fantasy game. Great narrative, shops and inventory systems, and battles against characters I may be severely underpowered against. So why did I enjoy Fallout 3 significantly more than Final Fantasy XIII? The missions, specifically the non-essential ones.

I spend hours, literally hours, running around in an open field trying to get up to the maximum level that I could. Running around, in circles, endlessly, not really going anywhere or accomplishing anything. To me this was not compelling. If I was watching Football and utilized the picture in picture to allow me to run around in a field for hours while watching other men run around in a field for hours this might interest me. Emphasis on might.

Whereas with Fallout 3, if I feel the need to get more powered up, or just have half an hour to kill, I can take up a non-essential mission. I can go out, accomplish a feat, get my reward, get experience points, and feel like I've accomplished something in this game. Have I actually accomplished something? Maybe, maybe not, but at least I have less missions bugging me for accomplishment than I had before.

Right now I would be offering up a final paragraph of how this is evidence of how I've changed as a person. How I am a different person now than the person I was back in high school. Here would be a great place to make some sort of grand statement of what it really means to be a gamer. However, nothing of that grand of a nature is coming to me. It's not that I think I have or have not changed as a person, it's that I can't put it in a way that I feel is significant. Both Final Fantasy XIII and Fallout 3 are good on their own merits, I just currently prefer the merits of Fallout 3. Perhaps in the future this will change, as it has in relation to my preferences in the past. In lieu of a significant closing statement, here's a kitty.




Super Mario Galaxy 2 First Impressions

I'm trying not to recycle an old joke. I'm trying not to bring up magic mushrooms, touch fuzzy get dizzy, and other things that many people other than me have make the obvious joke about. I'm trying really hard not to make that joke.

Dude, your face is a spaceship

Dude, that is a BIG turtle.

Dude, if I had a dinosaur like that, I would eat so many Doritos.

Dude, that would make a killer bong.

Dude, I'm wearing this suit that turns me into a bee. And earlier, I was wearing a suit that allowed me to produce clouds!

So I tried and I failed. Aw damn. Now, if you'll excuse me, my dealer just texted me. My shipment of Pineapple Express is in. Saul, you da man!

Buh-Bye Daria Family Scam

Daria: The Complete Series Box Set

Robin Anderson is sitting in her office at the Redertainment Corporation Of America offices watching the Daria: Complete Series box set. Hunter Red walks in and says-

Hunter- Hey, what's up?
Robin- Nothing much. Just watching this show that just came out on DVD.
Hunter comes around to where Robin is sitting and sees what she's watching.
Hunter- They finally put Daria out on DVD! OH MY GOD!!!
Robin- Is that a sarcastic comment, because you don't believe in god.
Hunter- I don't have to believe in my god to take her name in vain. Also, I love this show?
Robin- Really? Can you write the review I'm supposed to do, because I'm feeling really uninspired.
Hunter- Sorry, no can do.
Robin- Why not?
Hunter- Because, Daria is me.
Robin looks at Daria on the TV, then looks at Hunter, then looks at Daria, then back at Hunter.

Robin- Do you mean the long hair and the glasses?
Hunter- No. I moved to a new location just before junior high, my mom is a workaholic, my dad is eccentric to the point of psychosis, my sister is a social marvel, and I am a social reject. I identify perfectly with Daria.
Robin- Do you find it strange that you identify most with an animated girl?
Hunter- Not as much as other people do. So, who do you identify with?
Robin thinks about this question for a moment, then says-
Robin- Kristen from Young People Fucking.
Hunter- Huh. I wonder why that is?
Robin and Hunter continue to stare at each other until the scene ends.

END SCENE



How To Make Money As An Author

David Kirkham is sitting in his den. He is sitting alone, deep in thought when he starts talking to himself. "Man. I hate this. I mean, working is it's own reward, but I wish it was more rewarding. If only I could figure out a way to make the big bucks."

The TV is on and a commercial plays for a guy selling a financial planning book. "That is such a scam. That just stinks of fraud and slime ball tactics and just taking advantage of the stupid to make yourself rich." David then has a thought many of us have had before. "What if I wrote a financial planning book? Sure it's scummy, but I could invest part of the money I make into a charity somewhere, or in the church."

Another commercial plays on the TV selling another financial planning book. "But the market is already full of books like that. If I wrote one, what would stop it from being just another in the sea of similar finance books."

David puts his head in his hands and begins to mourn the loss of a potentially money making idea. Then the program he's watching comes out of commercial. "Welcome back to the Shawn Hannity Show. Up next, our nightly check-in with the perpetual smear campaign propagated in the liberal mainstream media against the good people of the Tea Party Movement."

David perks up when he sees this. "That's it! That how I can do it. I don't write a book about how to make yourself rich. I write a book about how to use Tea Party support to take down political candidates you don't agree with. There aren't many of those books out there! It's brilliant! I gotta start on this now."

David takes out a pad and begins to jot down an outline for his book. The first thing he writes is the title: How To Be An Influential Figure In American Politics



Ice Cube: Family Man


Ice Cube, gangster rapper member of N.W.A. who is featured in the video above, is set to star in a family sitcom on TBS. Not kidding.
Are We There Yet? TV series Wiki.



Facebook: 2009 - 2010

So I think I'm done with Facebook. Only a year after setting up my profile with enough personal info to enable any thief to take my identity on a joyride, I'm done with it. This isn't something that cane to me on a whim, it's been building for a couple of months now.

The process that lead to me becoming disinterested in Facebook began almost from the start. I set up my profile, added some people in the All Games Community, then started getting friend requests from people I knew in high school. Some friends, an old crush(link to Oblivion review), and some people who would not have even associated with me at all if not for Facebook. Then I started getting requests from my family. First it was my sister, then a couple of my cousins added me, and then I received a friend request from my mom.

My mom is the kind of person who doesn't get the references I make or have the same tastes in comedy. I remember her telling me one time, "Clubbing a baby seal isn't funny!". While alone clubbing a baby seal isn't funny, in the context I put it in it was moderately humorous. I think.

Almost from the first day I added my mom as a "friend" on Facebook, I started getting snippy little comments from my mom about my status updates. As frustrating as it was to deal with her in person, it was more frustrating to deal with her on my computer. I about deleted her from my friends list on several occasions, but I didn't want to deal with the shit that would rain down on me if I did that.

Then on Wednesday something happened that drove me completely away from Facebook. I received a friend request from my grandfather.

So, goodbye Facebook. We've had some good times. Wait, NO WE HAVEN'T!

Field Day Compilation

Nintendo Enables Kid Punching

This week Photo Dojo launched on the DSiWare service. Photo Dojo is a game where the player can take a picture of themselves, their dogs, or their penises, and use those picutres as fighing game characters. Like other releases involving pictures, video games, and people, Photo Dojo has been used for purposes not intended for by the video game manufacturer. And this time I'm not talking about pornography.

This is Brayton Smalls. Brayton is a five year old boy living in Pocatello, Idaho with his mom, dad, and collection of small Disney figurines. Brayton is also, as described by his relatives, an annoying little shit. In most situations, more often than not involving adults, people who are identified as annoying little shits get the shit kicked out of them. However, Brayton is five, and beating up a five year old is wrong. I know from experience.

So how do Brayton's family, friends, neighbors, and random other people rid themselves of the urge to beat the living tar out of Brayton without breaking the law? This is where Photo Dojo comes in. To this point, pictures of Brayton Smalls has been imported into Photo Dojo an estimated 465,837 times. Also, Brayton has been knocked out in Photo Dojo 8,569,372 times.

Brayton is not the only kid who has been imported and beating silly in Photo Dojo. The following is a list of kids who also have recieved similar treatment.

This is Kaylie. KO count: 3,325,426

This is Michael. KO count: 6,438,284

This is Parker. KO count: 638,376,879

And this is John. KO count: 8,375,937,273

No plans have been made to implement a moderation system into Photo Dojo, and many people hope that such a moderation system never sees the light of day. Now, if you'll exuse me, I'm going to visit my nieces.

Final Fantasy XIII Review

Like many of you out there, my junior high school experience sucked. Like the intake valve of an industrial strength air compressor did it suck. Between constant name calling, social isolation, physical bullying, and slanderous rumormongering, there were any different ways that, on a daily basis, junior high school sucked for me. However, unlike many similar victims, I don't blame my fellow students for the suckage that was junior high. This is because, I believe to a certain extent, this behavior is natural but when unchecked by those who know better can have serious consequences. Those checks are supposed to be administered by the teachers, councilors, and administrators that are in charge of the school and the environment therein. In my case no checks were administered, ever. Therefore, I place blame for my junior high school experience at the feet of those teachers, councilors, administrators, and even the entire Granite School District.

There is a deep resentment that I have toward the Granite School District. A resentment so passionate and so ingrained into my very being that at times it frightens me. I know better than to lash out against the Granite School District through acts of vandalism and public destruction as such acts could be potentially worse for me than for them. I feel at times that if the Granite School District were to collapse into insolvency today, today would be the greatest day of my life, as today would be the day my greatest enemy was destroyed.

In the process of trying to rid myself of this unhealthy resentment, I posed myself the following question: If I was ever put in the situation were I could help the Granite School District, even a tiny bit, would I, for the good of the public at large, help my greatest enemy? My answer to that question, to quote Mrs. Palin, would be hell no! Greater public be damned, the Granite School District made me suffer and to see them suffer would be too sweet of an opportunity to pass up!

It's good to know that people exist in this world that are far better people than I. People who can put aside their personal resentments and their personal histories for the collective good and not just their own selfish petty bullshit. Well not people in this case, but digitized persons who's example can be followed by people who aren't as broken as I. Perhaps I can learn from the example set forth by the various characters in Final Fantasy XIII, but it hasn't happened yet.

Final Fantasy XIII: B

I Write The Books That No One Reads...

So I write. I write books, satire, and scripts... that hardly anyone reads. Not that I'm complaining (clearly complaining). I mean I didn't start writing to get people to notice me. I started writing to sort out my thoughts, vent about things that were happening in my life, and get a good grade on an assignment (and some tail. I mean come on, I used to write bad poetry).

Last year I finished two books. Notice I didn't say WROTE two books. The Hawk (blatent plug) is something I'd been toying around with since my senior year of high school and finally got the drive to finish and put up online for people to ingore. The Hawk: Consequences Of Mayorust (another blatent plug) marks my fastest turnaround for a book. Just six months (The Hawk took damn near eight years).

I'm working on another book right now called The Black Robin Christmas Carole (yet ANOTHER blatent plug). I finished the first draft and am currently proofreading and completing a second draft. This step is taking longer than I thought it would, but I should easily make my desired release date of November 1st. I mean, it's a Christmas book, I can't release it in August, can I (ho ho ho).

I also maintain a blog that you are reading now. This started as just a fake news blog but branched out when I realized I was writing other things people might be interested in and that fake news was being handled pretty well by Fox News (BURN!). I try not to talk about my true self in this blog, which brings up the question, what am I doing now? (ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm)

Red Got Burned Out

Marcus- The Hand That Feeds

Marcus, Utah native known for his appearances on Last Comic Standing and the Geek Show Podcast, will be performing live at Kingston Hall. This is not just an ordinary performance, this performance will be filmed for the upcoming comedy special "The Hand That Feeds". Tickets are on sale right now at Kingtix.com. Tickets close to the stage costs only $35. Gets your tickets early as this show is expected to sell out.




The Red Interview- Karl Rove

Recently Fox News contributor and University of Utah graduate Karl Rove came to Utah to promote his book Courage and Consequence. The Redertainment Corporation Of America was granted an exclusive interview with this highly regarded figure among the conservative movement.

Hunter Red- Mr. Rove, MR. ROVE, I have a question for you.
Karl Rove- Yes, that red haired gentleman in the middle there.
Hunter- You mean me?
Karl- Yes.
Hunter- Mr. Rove, do you follow basketball at all?
Karl- No, unfortunately I do not. I did when I was in college but I'm too busy to follow the game now.
Hunter- So you don't have an opinion on who will win the championship this year?
Karl- No, I do not.
Hunter- Okay, thanks.

And that was The Redertainment Corporation Of America exclusive interview with Karl Rove. Enjoy!



Vacation Time

Following the news as closely as I do has caused me to follow a lot of shit.

First Sheldon Killpack resigned his seat in the Utah State Senate following a DUI arrest. The police dashcam footage of this arrest has yet to be made public despite several media inquiries and the people in charge of maintaining public records telling the Utah Highway Patrol to release them. Rumor has it that this is because of the improper conduct that this video contains. Conduct by the police.

Then Kevin Garn resigned his seat in the Utah State Senate after it came out that he had a naked hot tub encounter with a fifteen year old, when he was thirty. This is a story that several media knew about but didn't report. Why? I don't know.

Then Valentine's Day came and I got blackout drunk. I hate that day.

Then the Infinity Ward/Activision/Jack Booted Thugs incident happened. This is something I fear would happen to me because I live in Utah and I am a liberal.

Then there's the behavior exhibited by the Republican Party. Between thinking doing nothing at all ever is a coherent political strategy, to lying about everything, every time, everywhere, to making bigotry into law, the Republican party has shown just why they can't be trusted with power. The Democrats really can't be trusted either. Come on Democrats, show you have a spine.

Now, in the past two weeks, we have bomb scares, giant oil spills, and the Osmonds making the news because they had a family party. I desperately need a vacation. Where's a good place to go. I hear Nashville is good this time of-

FUCK!

The Muhammad Sketch And Others

Marcus- The Hand That Feeds

Marcus, Utah native known for his appearances on Last Comic Standing and the Geek Show Podcast, will be performing live at Kingston Hall. This is not just an ordinary performance, this performance will be filmed for the upcoming comedy special "The Hand That Feeds". Tickets are on sale right now at Kingtix.com. Tickets close to the stage costs only $35. Gets your tickets early as this show is expected to sell out.




The Muhammad Sketch

Four people are seen sitting around a table playing poker. These people are Jesus, Muhammad, Mario, and Ronald Reagan. A game has just wrapped up and it's time to deal out another hand. Muhammad takes the cards, and starts to shuffle them, and says-

Muhammad- I'll deal this hand.
Jesus- Allright, it'll give me a chance to check my mail.
Jesus takes his smart phone out of his pocket and checks his email.
Jesus- Oh man.
Mario- What is it Jesus?
Jesus- I'm getting all these prayers sent to me, and most of it is the usual fare. Help me with my job interview, help me ace this test, help me nail this broad, but this, this last one is the worst.
Muhammad- What is it?
Jesus- It says, "Dear lord almighty, hollowed be thy name, please help me kill this abortion doctor, amen."
Mario- Oh man.
Muhammad- I hate prayers like that.
Jesus- I mean, do they honestly expect me to help with that? Next thing they'll do is ask for my help to blow things up.
Muhammad- Don't you already get that? Didn't that Eric Rudolph guy blow stuff up in your name?
Jesus facepalms.
Jesus- That's right.
Muhammad- Well, don't make a habit of facepalming over everybody who bombs in your name. If I did that my hand would be over my face constantly.
Muhammad starts dealing out the cards.
Mario- What about the people who threaten people who make pictures of you?
Muhammad- Oh, that is so embarrassing to me.
Jesus- Well, they probably wouldn't have such a big problem with it if you weren't so preoccupied with that blemish you have.
Muhammad- I know, this mole will be the end of me.
Muhammad finishes dealing out the cards.
Muhammad- Okay, everyone ante up.
Jesus, Muhammad, Mario, and Ronald Reagan all throw chips into the pot.
Muhammad- What about you Ron? You've been quiet all night, what do you think of people doing stuff and involving the memory of you while doing so.
Ronald Reagan- I like pudding.
The other people at the table look at Ronald Reagan oddly.
Mario- What?
Ronald Reagan- I like pudding. I like eat pudding with spoon. Sometimes I eat pudding with fork, but that not as good as spoon.
Muhammad- Okay.
Ronald Reagan- I try eating pudding with a knife but then I make cherry pudding, and I no like cherry pudding.
Jesus- Is he playing stupid or is he really senile?
Muhammad- He does this every time anyone brings up problems with the conservative movement. Just watch how his eyes light up when we bring up his movies,
Ronald Reagan- I'm going to with this pot for the Gipper.
Jesus- Well at least Mario here doesn't have that problem. No one worships Mario like they do us.
Mario- Are you kidding me? There's this black kid on the internet who'd bow down in front of me if I appeared in front of him.
Ronald Reagan- I have millions of people who'd do that for me.
Mario- Besides, that's not what the biggest problem is.
Jesus- What is it my son?
Mario- There are people who take magic mushrooms because they think they'll give them the same kind of powers I have.
There is a short pause.
Muhammad- Lets' see here: People taking mushrooms because they think they'll be able to break bricks with their heads or people blowing up buildings because they think they'll end up nailing hot broads in heaven.
Ronald Reagan- Are you talking about your followers or mine?
Mario- Okay, your problem isn't as big as mine, but it leads back to the same problem. All of us strove to create worlds where peace and love reigned supreme, and now people are using our names to commit acts that seek to tear society apart.
There is a long pause.
Muhammad- What is your point?
Mario- My point is we need to do something about this, and not just sitting around playing poker.
There is another long pause. Then Nancy Reagan pokes her head into the room and says-
Nancy Reagan- Oh Ronnie, why don't you come to bed big boy?
Ronald Reagan springs up from the table and says-
Ronald Reagan- Yay! Me take blue pill and take happy ride! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!
Ronald Reagan leaves the poker table and joins Nancy upstairs.
Mario- Well, what are we supposed to do now? We need a fourth to play.
Muhammad- Why?
Mario- It's always more fun with four people.
Jesus takes out his smartphone and says-
Jesus- I'll see if Steve Jobs can come and play with us.
Jesus calls Steve Jobs as Mario studies his cards and Muhammad starts to count how many chips he has left.

END SCENE



John Cleese On Extremism