Grand Theft Auto Diary: #7: SPOILARZZZGATE

Yeah, I didn't spend Sunday playing Grand Theft Auto V.  Instead, I watched the last eight episodes of Breaking Bad.

The last episode was, in my opinion, one of the best episodes of television in the history of human civilization.  My favorite part was when Kelly met up with Ozone and Turbo, who are in a long protracted battle with rivals Electro Rock.  The subplot involving the disapproving teacher was kind of a drag, but the prominent role played by Ice-T made this episode totally tubular.  I don't remember the ending, because I was watching it drunk and kind of passed out, but I bet it the way Popin' Pete, Popin' Taco, and Lollipop met their unfortunate demise was sick dope fo' realz.  If you haven't seen the finale of Breaking Bad, the following video clip is a total spoiler, but if you haven't seen the finale of Breaking Bad you suck and you deserve the spoilarrzzz you get.

Moving In Slow Motion: 56.4% Complete

So another payday is here, and, due to rent and other obligations, I have a limited amount of money for me to not spend on myself in pursuit of Project Buy A House.  Okay, let's do the calculations.

$371.72, which is a bit more than I was expecting.

Over the past week or so, I been writing a lot of poetry.  Writing poetry means only one thing for me...

I'm not happy.  Rather than find true solutions, or overdose on writing poetry so I can be done with my feelings, I want to put distance between my conscious mind and my feelings.  This can be done with the application of one thing...

ALCOHOL!
So, let's see what kind of hooch $371.72 will buy me.

You know, I've never had a good bottle of champagne.  I've never had an occasion to drink a good bottle of champagne.  I don't have a good occasion to drink champagne now, but the price of this Krug Brut Rose Champagne is just right, and champagne does have alcohol in it, and alcoholic is the beverage I want right now.  The Utah Department of Alcoholic Beverage Control is currently selling a 750ml bottle of Krug Brut Rose Champagne for $367.89.  This would be just the right price for me to spend on something to console myself with if I was spending money on things to console myself with.  So, that leaves me with $3.83 for me to not spend on myself.

Halloween is coming up, and it's time for me to think about music for that party that I'm not hosting because parties cost money.  Also, no one wants to party at my place.  It's not that my place is bad, the location is bad because I live adjacent to the bad part of town.  If I was buying music for the party I'm not holding, I could buy Halloween Party Music by The Ghost Doctors.  You know that this is party music for Halloween because it is named Halloween Party Music.  Halloween Party Music by The Ghost Doctors is currently selling for $2.60.  This leaves me with $1.23 for me to not spend on myself.

I remember watching Homeward Bound as a kid.  Okay, to be true, I remember my sister subjecting me to this movie and me being forced to watch it because I had picked the last time and I couldn't convince my sister to watch Demolition Man again.  Currently a VHS copy of  Homeward Bound is being sold for $1.10.  This leaves me with $0.13 for me to not spend on myself.  Surely I should stop here because there is no way I can find something being sold online for thirteen cents!

And yet I did, and it's not crap!  Currently, somehow, Suzanne Collins's book The Hunger Games is selling for $0.12.  This leaves me with $0.01 for me to not spend on myself, and here I should stop, because there's no way I can find something worth buying for one cent!...... and I didn't, but man that was fun.  Almost as much fun as I bet drinking that entire bottle of champagne is.  Join me in two weeks as I torture myself once again with things that I cannot buy as a pursue Project Buy A House.  Who knows, one day this list might actually feature a house!

Grand Theft Auto Dairy: #6: Awesome Musicgate

Usually when I'm playing a video game there comes a point where I get tried of the cyclical music playing in the background and turn on my iPod. I turn on my iPod to catch up with podcasts, or hit shuffle and listen to whatever, and only turn my music off at moments I think are climatic or otherwise important. That's not happening with Grand Theft Auto V for me. It's not that the music is being played over bad over and over again, it's that the music is good. So here are some of my favorite tracks from Grand Theft Auto V.

Most people forget that Julian Lennon had a music career. Not Rockstar Games.

It's kind of messed up that I listened to this song about casual sex when I was a kid.

It's raining as I write this. Good thing I have my CM Punk hoodie.

This song is one of the few positive memories I have from Junior High.

Do you remember the name of this song or who does it? Me neither.

Black Flag didn't have a long career, but they were hella influential.

Pretty much describes how I approached High School.

And lastly, Johnny Cash. I'm not into Country music, but I am into Johnny Cash.

Grand Theft Auto Diary: #5: Frustration In Real Life

I'm starting to really not like the missions that involve Trevor. To this point, the missions I've played that involve Trevor include either drugs, explosives, mass murder, or some form of psychosis, if not all of those things. However, there is one aspect of many of the missions involving Trevor that I really really do not like.

I hate flying. I just can't get the controls down right. I can't remember how many time I've failed a mission due to destroying the plane, but I venture to guess it's somewhere around 63,828,274. I've either crashed the plane into the ground, crashed the plane into an object, blown up the plane, gotten shot down, or done something else involving the plane the results in the plane somehow blowing up. For me, flying planes in Grand Theft Auto V is nearly as frustrating as golfing in Grand Theft Auto V.

Yes, I know flying is harder than driving. I know that there is a reason why flying lessons are given by experienced people who know what they're doing, as opposed to the football/baseball/basketball coach of whatever school you're going to. I know the act of flying is a much more spectacular feat than merely going fast on the ground. I don't care. Flying in Grand Theft Auto V should be way easier to do than flying is in real life. Why?

Stealing a car in Grand Theft Auto V is easier than stealing a car is in real life.

Murdering someone and getting away with it in Grand Theft Auto V is easier than murdering someone and getting away with it in real life.

Evading the police in Grand Theft Auto V is easier than evading the police in real life.

Buying a gun in Grand Theft Auto V is easier than buying a gun is in real life, even though it is really fucking easy to buy a gun in real life.

Blowing something up in Grand Theft Auto V is way easier than blowing something up is in real life.

Getting a stripper to come home with you in Grand Theft Auto V is easier than getting a stripper to come home with you in real life.

Dan In Real Life in Grand Theft Auto V is way more enjoyable than Dan In Real Life is in real life.

For all these reasons, and more, flying in Grand Theft Auto V should be easier than it is. Also, coming up with a good ending for a blog is easier in Grand Theft Auto V than it is in real life. All I have to end this blog with is a random picture of a kitten.

David Bowie Gives His Thoughts On The New Microsoft Surface

Microsoft unveils new Surface at NYC event

Microsoft did something yesterday, but everyone was like:

SteamOS

Grand Theft Auto Diary: #4: Golf Mini-Game Review

Of all the sports that I have played in video game form, the one I have played the most is golf.  One of the few PC games I have really gotten into was a golf game.  When I was in college, my friends and I talked about how good, or bad, in my case GOOD, we were at Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2004.  The only sports video game that I pick up on a yearly basis is Tiger Woods PGA Tour.  The devotion that many people have toward football, soccer, and even hockey video games, I have toward golf video games.

The reason Tiger Woods PGA Tour has hooked me so deep is the gameplay.  I'm one of those gamers who thinks gameplay is THE critical element to a video game.  Not graphics, not sound, not story, not online connectivity, not anything else, gameplay.  If a video game does not have good gameplay, in my opinion, the game sucks, and I think Tiger Woods PGA Tour has the best gameplay experience in sports video games.  The amount of control that the player has over every single shot that is taken throughout a round of golf is astounding to me.  Every big and little detail of the shot can be controlled by the player.  From big changes that address how the player can shape their shot to address trees and other obstructions, to little changes to the ball's trajectory, spin, and the angle the ball falls at as it approaches the playing surface.

The difference between the amount of control that the player has over the golf ball in Tiger Woods PGA Tour is especially apparent when compared to the amount of control the player has in other golf video games.  Let's take, for example, Golf for the NES.  I remember playing this game as a small child, and no matter how much time and effort I sunk into this game, I still sucked at it.  I was not alone is this.  The adults I was around who also played this video game also sucked at it.  Even my dad, who actually plays actual golf in the real world, sucked at this game.

The problem with Golf for the NES is gameplay, and how much control the player has over where the golf balls ends up.  In short, the player has little to no control as to where the golf ball will actually end up.  The combination of power bars, limited ability to know where exactly you are sending the ball, and a seemingly randomness to how things like wind, lie, and elevation changes will affect how the ball travels, only add to the lack of control the player has over the golf ball.  While frustration is the name of the game for many people who play actual golf in the real world, frustration is the only thing that most people who play Golf for the NES experience.  This apparent lacking in the gameplay experience of the game is why I much prefer the gameplay that is presented in Tiger Woods PGA Tour to the gameplay that is presented in Golf for the NES.

The gameplay that is presented in the golf mini-game in Grand Theft Auto V more closely resembles Golf for the NES than Tiger Woods PGA Tour.  The gameplay in this golf mini-game is dependent on power bars, which is something that, in my opinion, is something that really should be done away with.  Also, the wind appears to have a sometimes minimal and sometimes substantial part of how the flight of the golf ball will be altered during flight.  Factor in the seemingly randomness that comes with how lie affects how the ball travels, and what is presented here is a exercise in frustration.  While the player is able to see where the golf ball might drop before they take a shot, the spot that is shown is where the ball will initially drop, not where the golf ball might actually end up after it stops rolling.

While admittedly you can't expect the best golf experience out of a mini-game in a world where the point is to rob, shoot, kill, rob, shoot, and kill people, I expected better than this.  While I may have been spoiled after the great experience that was Rockstar Games Table Tennis, the disappointment I feel about the golf experience in Grand Theft Auto V does not give me a good feeling about the other mini-games in this games.  I guess I'll have to go back to killing random people because they are there and banging semi-attractive strippers because I somehow filled up their satisfaction bars.

Grand Theft Auto V: Golf Mini-Game: C-

Redertainment Criticizes Blogs For Providing Content That Is Not Pornography

On September 18th, the MPAA released the results of a study that is critical Google. Essentially the study points out that Google is allowing users to use Google as a search engine while those users are looking for pirated content. While this may seem like a petty snipe at a technological giant, this is not the first time an advocacy group has made this kind of complaint. In fact, MPAA's statement follows statements made by several other groups, for example...

The National Nail Alliance has criticized hammer producer Stanley for allowing users of it's products to use hammers to drive in nails.

The Aluminum Can Collective has criticized Chevrolet for allowing users of it's cars to flatten aluminum cans with it's products.

The Paper Alliance has criticized fire for allowing it's users to wantonly destroy hundreds of reams of paper products on a nearly daily basis.

The National Coalition For The Advancement Of Sedentary Lifestyles has criticized Capitol Records for allowing users of it's musical based products to move in co-ordinance with their musical based products.

The Alliance Against Drowning has criticized Pepsi for the outside chance that people could potentially drown on one of it's many soda products.

The anti-pornography group Christians United to Negate Transgressors has criticized Apple Computers for allowing users of it's many many many products to view pornographic content on it's many many many products.

The Pork Council has criticized Whole Foods for the high standards that the grocery chains has as it relates to the meat products that are sold in their stores.

The Bitter Institute has criticized many kinds of apples for being sweet and pleasant to eat.

The Serious Foundation Of Wisconsin has criticized balls for being a source of fun and enjoyment for people of all ages and abilities.

The Council For Monotony has criticized podcasts for providing people with an ability to escape their normal humdrum lives.

The Group For Comedy has criticized the new Fox TV show Dads for not being funny.

The Behindhand Society has criticized Casio for making watches that allow people to be on-time for events, appointments, and other occasions.

Finally, the National Lacrosse Union has criticized World Wrestling Entertainment for providing athletic entertainment that is not lacrosse.

Grand Theft Auto V Diary: #3: Strippergate

There is something I touched upon in my second Grand Theft Auto Diary which I'm going to talk more about now. This is something that I think people are going to make a problem about. If people don't make a problem about the cougar possibly causing animal, people will make a problem out of this. 

After the first mission in Grand Theft Auto V is compete, and you get ability to direct your character to wherever you want to go, you can go to a strip club. In the strip club, you can see topless women dancing provocatively without anything covering their nipples. That description is very scientific because I am suppressing my urge to say "BOOBS! BOOBS! BOOBS! BOOBS! BOOBS! BOOBS! BOOBS! BOOBS! BOOBS! BOOBS!!!"

 This is the controversy that Conservatives will create once the one about the disputed link between video game violence and violent actions does down. That disputed link is disputed, the topless women that can be accessed early on in the game cannot be disputed. The only defense that video game advocates have against there being nudity in video games is that certain video games, including Grand Theft Auto V, are not for kids. The problem is that argument is one that conservatives do not and will never believe. Conservatives believe that all video games are for kids, ALL OF THEM. Conservatives believe that all video games are for kids the same way they believe all cartoons are for kids.