OnioNSA

Despite the reputation it has as our shadowy overlord who knows all that we do, the National Security Agency may be dummer than we think.  On Friday, reports started circulating about the NSA attempting to hack Tor, The Onion Router, a service which provides it's users with the ability to hide their online activities.  The NSA is motivated to hack Tor due to Tor's use by dissidents, terrorist, political activists, and people looking to download the latest episode of Homeland.  However, it now appears that the NSA first started to hack Tor in a way that is just plain stupid.

Over the weekend, a source revealed to this publication that when the NSA first attempted to hack Tor, what they were actually attempting to hack was onions.  Yes, onions,  a vegetable that is the most widely cultivated species of the genus Allium.   This source, who wishes to remain anonymous, revealed that when the NSA learned that "Tor" stood for "The Onion Router", they took that name literally and assumed that Tor derived it's capabilities from an onion's ability to make a grown man cry, which is something that the NSA has failed to do up to this point.

NSA's attempts to literally hack onions may explain the video posted above.  In it Anthony Gucciardi, as well as his two camera operators, attempt to approach the newly build NSA Data Center located near Bluffdale, Utah.  While it appears that this video was tailor made for the online conspiracy theorists out there, a look into Anthony Gucciardi's reveals something else.  Mr. Gucciardi is a contributor to several websites, including MarthaStewart.com.  In fact, Mr. Gucciardi is credited with creating this recipe for Spring Onion Soup.  This publication's anonymous NSA source also revealed to this reporter that, in addition to a large and secretive computer facility, there is a large onion patch on the massive complex staffed by the NSA.  This, our source asserts, is the real reason why Mr. Gucciardi wanted to approach the NSA Data Center, and that Mr. Gucciardi was using conspiracy theories as a cover.

When reached for comment about this story, NSA Deputy Director John C. Inglis was only heard to have said, "How the fuck did you get this number?"