****- It's a Bird, It's a Dog, It's a Pair of Red Heads!

The Hawk by Hunter Red
Take the normal superhero origin story. Guy gets powers, guy discovers he has powers, guy goes out to save the world. Now factor this in: the guy has a score to settle.



The Hawk by Hunter Red. Available for you to download for free by clicking on the link above, or go to Redertainment.com and find the same link there. Download it, print it off, read it, give it to your friends, and tell me what you think, or don't.

Want a suggestion? Print off The Hawk, go buy U2's No Line on the Horizin, sit in your favorite chair, and start enjoying them both. They have nothing to do with each other, I just think it's a good idea.



Ein's Blog #1
For years, I had said in jest, "Everyone and their dog has a blog." Now my dog has a blog. Here is Ein's first blog post: What I Do All Day

For years, my male human has wondered what I do all day. He has no idea what I do between the time I see him off and the time I see him return.

One day he set up a camera to capture these activities. he thought he had done it all secretively, but I knew what that teddy bear was for. So I decided to screw with him. I sat in front of the bear with this cheesy grin on my face, all day long. When my male human got home, he reviewed the tape, looked at me, and said "Weird".

It's not like I do anything weird. I eat, sleep, get some exercise, pleasure myself, eat, sleep, whatever. Occasionally I go see Valentine. It's purely a physical relationship. I don't need to get burned again like I did with Julia.

Sometimes the female human will come over. She feeds me, we play a little bit, and I pester her as she grooms herself, puts on clothes, and drowns out her natural smell. I don't know why humans insist on having clothes on when they're around other humans. I roam around naked all day and I don't see anyone having a problem with it. Also, as far as I can tell, humans tend to have more fun when they're not wearing clothes.

There's not much else I do when my male human isn't around. I am curious as to what my male human does all day without me. Maybe someday I'll place a camera in one of the head covering he wears everyday, or maybe I'll sneak into the trunk of his car like one of my former female humans did.

Till next time, keep on licking!
Ein



Comedian Blamed For Losses

Recently, Funcom, makers of such games as Casper and Pocahontas, announced they had lost $22.3 Million in the fourth quarter. Most analysts blame this loss on their lackluster Conan MMORPG. However, in a statement released today, Funcom CEO Trond Arne Aas blames the loss on one person, Conan O'Brien.


Trond Arne Aas said, "The blame for the poor critical response and less than projected subscribership for our Conan MMORPG can be laid solely at the feet of that ginger haired bastard. Did he mention the game once on his show? No! Did he provide voice or motion capture for the game? No! Is he going to give any of his Tonight Show salary to keep this game aloft? NO! Ungrateful Ivy League prick." When informed that Funcom's Conan MMORPG was based on Conan the Barbarian and not Conan O'Brien, Mr. Aas proceeded to swear profusely then went to the bar to get faced.

When asked for a comment on this story, Mr. O'Brien said, "I have no idea what you're talking about," then proceeded to jump and dance around like a squirrel on crystal meth.

The future of Funcom's Conan MMORPG is unknown at this point. What is known is this: The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien premiers on June 1st and will be awesome.


The Red Interview- Jun Takeuchi

Hello and welcome to The Red Interview. I am your host, Hunter Red. With me today is Jun Takeuchi, acclaimed producer of Resident Evil 5. He is here to talk about the recently announced Lost Planet Squared.

R- Mr. Takeuchi, it is very nice to meet you.
T- Thank you, but what did you say were going to talk about?
R- The game that you, last Monday, exclusively announced on Xbox Live, Lost Planet Squared. Now, Mr Takeuchi-
T- The name of the game that I announced was Lost Planet 2.
R- I heard no mention of Lost Planet 2 in the video, and the logo clearly says Lost Planet with the number two placed in a way that conveys Squared not Two.
T- I can assure you, the name of the game is Lost Planet 2, the placement of the two in the logo is just to make it look cool.
R- So you care more about something looking cool than conveying the message properly?
T- Let's just move on.
R- Okay. In the trailer I saw for Lost Planet Squared it is evident that you will be able to shoot and move in this game. Why hasn't this ability been brought to the Resident Evil franchise?
T- That's it. Fuck it, I'm out of here.

At this point Jun Takeuchi got up and stormed out of the interview room.

Well that's it for The Red Interview. I'd like to thank my guest Jun Takeuchi for being here today. I am Hunter Red reminding you, boxers first, then pants. See ya soon.

****- Format Experiment

I'm experimenting with a new format for this blog. Bear with me as this may be the only time I do this.

Red "Apologizes"

I have been asked, once again, to apologize for my verbal and physical assault of Redertainment Corporation of America intern Spencer Pratt. At first I refused, I still contend that the little shit deserved it. Then I was threatened to be removed from my office, to which I replied, "So what? I can do this shit sitting in a coffee house, while riding on the train, or while naked in my house." Guess which one I'd prefer. Then they threatened to take away my stock options. This is what motivated my statement today because I was planning, someday, to cash in my RCOA stock and buy a bottle of Coke. So here it goes.

If anyone was offended by my wholly justified actions against that fucking douchebag, I sincerely apologize. Also, if you were offended, you are a wholly corrupt person whose opinion has no value in civilized society. Smooches!



Sonic and the Black Knight Comments



Among the things set to be released by Sega and Sonic Team is Sonic and the Black Knight, set for a March 3rd release date.

When asked for a comment about this game, Sonic Team head Yojiro Ogawa said, "Tis but a scratch."

When asked for a comment about this game, John Cleese said, "Get off my fucking porch."





Demon Spawn Confirmed for November 2009



Recently, Jack Thompson had been infuriating gamers, inlcuding me, by getting together with the Utah Eagle Forum to craft Utah's HB 353. a question had been lingering in my mind as to why Jack Thompson would do this. Yes, he's an ardent video game critic. Yes, he's been pushing for legislation across the country, but why Utah? The answer to that question has finally been revealed. Gayle Ruzika, President of the Utah Eagle Forum, is pregnant with Jack Thompson's love child.

When rumors of this first surfaced, Miss Ruzika denied it completely, saying, "Sex outside of marriage is evil. Are you saying I'm evil?" However, on Friday, exclusively to this reporter, Miss Ruzika confirmed that she is pregnant with Mr. Thompson's child. She then went into explicit detail about the night of conception, information I was in no way eager to know.

When asked about his pending little bundle of joy, Mr. Thompson said, "I look forward to the monumental impact it will have on the world." When informed that I was calling about the child and not HB 353, Mr. Thompson said, "Yes, I fucked Gayle Ruzika. And ya know what, she;s got a great set of-", at that point I hung up the phone.

One of the groups who works in concert with the Utah Eagle Forum is the Sutherland Institute. Bill Duncan, director of the Sutherland Institute, said of Gayle's pregnancy, "This is truly a blessing. We look forward to the great success this straight couple is sure to have. Now, if they were gay, we'd be working to make their life a living hell. After all, as the Lord said, "Let the person among you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone", and we're normal, so cast away!"

The child, expected to be named either Alma or Damien, has an expected release date of November 20th 2009.



Onechanbarra (360) Review


Like many other sports fans, I received the 2009 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue in the mail not to long ago. An entire magazine filled with bikini clad super models delivered in a way that is in no way pornographic. Well, maybe the members of the Utah Eagle Forum think it's pornographic, but I could give a rat's ass what they think.

On the cover, in addition to Bar Refaeli, was Danica Patrick. I assumed, since she was on the cover, that there would be another pictorial featuring the IRL superstar, similar to the one they did last year. Guess how many pictures there are in the 2009 SI Swimsuit Issue? Two.

Two. Two? TWO! Are you kidding me, TWO!!!

What a fucking disappointment. You have access to this athlete who is admired as much for her gifts in front of the camera as she is for her gifts on the track, and you run only two pics? Not only that, but with a pictorial so small, you choose to advertise it on the cover? Are you kidding me? What a disappointment.

Not long after receiving the 2009 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue, I started playing Onechanbara: Bikini Samurai Squad for the Xbox 360. This game was also a disappointment. It didn't illicit the same kind of rage response the Danica Patrick "pictorial" did, but was disappointing nonetheless.

Onechanbara: Bikini Samurai Squad: C-



L4D Mod Encourages Rebellion


Valve's Left 4 Dead has emerged as a multiplayer hit on the PC and Xbox 360. Like many PC games, mods have been made that reflect creativity, stupidity, and randomness of the people who play this game. One of these mods caught my attention. The mod is called "Rebel Against Conservatism".

In Left 4 Dead you play as a ragtag team of people tying to survive the zombie apocalypse. In the Rebel Against Conservatism mod, teams of non-conformists try to extricate themselves from their homes after the Christian Right violently takes over Salt Lake City, Utah. In Left 4 Dead you try to evade an endless supply of zombies who want to kill you and eat your brains. Some concept in Rebel Against Conservatism.

Included in this mod are eight new characters, four each for the rebels and the conservatives. Here are their descriptions:

Rebels-
Derrick- Derrick is a natural born leader who is more than willing to motivate you by kicking you in the ass. as a young black man, the conservatives are eager to bring Derrick down, but with natural talents and man made weaponry at his disposal, he is more than ready to repel them.
Celeste-As a young white woman, Celeste might seem to be shocking target of conservative attacks. However once you factor in that she's a vegetarian who listens to hippie music, you can see why the conservatives want to knock her down a peg. Years on the internet has given Celeste the skills to repel the pasty single minded creeps that populate the conservative horde.
Jason-One of the tenants of the conservative movement is abstinence. Abstaining from beer, sex, and anything fun. Jeff is an expert in the field of alcohol, plays video games, and has a young daughter. The Christian Right is eager to strike down somebody who blatantly spits in the face of one of its tenants. Jason has two things to defend himself with: A beer keg that would make Soundgarden jealous, and a mighty impressive piece of artillery, or at least that's what she said.
Hunter-Hunter is a short red headed asshole. That's the best way to describe him. As the conservatives are full of assholes, why is Hunter a rebel? One: Hunter doesn't like it when anyone tells him what to do. Two: As a postal employee, Hunter has access to a lot of artillery and, from an early age, learned the value of sharing.

Conservatives-
Dick-Dick is a guy who lives up to his name. Dick is an evil genius who reacts in a rage when things don't go exactly his way. Despite looking old and feeble, Dick has the ability to tear your ass apart when motivated in any way.
Buttars- Buttars contributes nothing positive to this world. All he does is see something that is foreign to him and then seeks to destroy it. Despite limited physical skills and lack of a brain, Buttars is a surprisingly successful character. Messing with this guy, more often than not, ends up in the death of you.
Graham-Graham is a lemming. No matter the situation or the odds against him, Graham will follow his leaders implicitly, even if the destination is the bottom of a ravine. Graham is not the strongest character, but every enemy horde needs a mass of individuals willing to give up their individuality.
Rush-Rush may not look like much of a threat, that is, until you evoke his rage. Doing so will cause Rush to spew his endless supply of hot air. This hot air serves as a draw for the perpetually, and unbelievably, multiplying horde of zombies at his call. If you are hit with Rush's hot air, be prepared for an epic fight.

Playing this Left 4 Dead mod is not only a fun thing to do with friends, but also a healthy way to excise your hatred for the Conservative Right. I look forward to playing this until the point when the Utah State Legislature decides this is evil and seek to shut it down. Then I will play it more.

Buttars Must Go!

There's about forty-five days a year that I seriously think about leaving the state of Utah, those are the forty-five days that the Utah State Legislature is in session. The politicians who claim to represent the people of Utah are an utter embarrassment and represent the worst of this state. The man pictured above is the worst of these politicians. Utah State Senator Chris Buttars

Buttars: Gays 'greatest threat to America'

I've written blog posts against Chris Buttars in the past, and I feel if he is not removed from office that I will do so again and again. If Chris Buttars does not resign or is forced out of office, I promise to work within the system to remove this embarrassment once and for all. I will campaign for his opponent, no matter who it is. I will give my time, give my money, I just might even join the Utah Democratic Party if that is what it will take.

No longer can I tolerate the utter unapologetic hatred Chris Buttars spews on a daily basis. Chris Buttars must go!

Red Valentine's Day

Several weeks ago, I posted a blog about my relationship with Delany. My utterly incompetent relationship with Delany.

After several suggestions to do so, I got in contact with Delany for the purposes of pursuing her romantically. This is how I met her husband Scott. This is also how I met Scott's fists. This is also how I met Emily Carlson, attending doctor at the Emergency Room at St. Mark's Regional Medical Center. Having Dr. Carlson place a catheter in me as the closest thing I've had to sex with a woman in my twenty-five years of life. Happy Valentine's Day!



Also, coming March 1st, The Hawk.

H-Red Admits To Intern Abuse

Here at the Redertainment Corporation of America, we employ several interns. We use these inters as gophers, research bunnies, printed material deers, and receptacles for our genetic material. One of these interns is Spencer Pratt, who is often featured on E!'s The Soup and apparently appears on another show on a network I had purged from my brain years ago.

Last week, as I was finishing up the story portion of my book, The Hawk by Hunter Red, I launched into a rage filled verbal assault at Spencer Prat, which was reminiscent of the brilliant rant by Christian Bale. This rant included forty-five uses of the word fuck, a personal record. Included in this rant was the following quote:

"You god damn mother fucking unapologetic douchebag! What the fuck don't you fucking understand about I don't fucking drink fucking coffee! You fucking empty headed piece of fucking shit! I have more fucking brains in my fucking finger- MY FUCKING FINGER- then you'd have if we fucking cloned you twenty fucking times."

This is a rant that I am most proud of.

I was asked by the upper management at the Redertainment Corporation of America to apologize to Spencer Pratt for this verbal assault. I refuse, that little shit deserved it. I also refuse to apologize for assaulting Spencer Pratt with objects. These objects include pens, pencils, paper clips, pads of Post-it Notes, and bottles of JR's BBQ Sauce.

A five minute long recording of this tirade was posted online, much to my delight and my companies dismay. The recording going public is a direct result of the relentless efforts of Parody Illustrated reporter Julia Quintanilla. The fact that a fine publication such as Parody Illustrated would encourage, even subsidize, the actions of Miss Quintanilla is a shame. Julia Quintanilla has blatantly invaded my personal privacy on many occasions. She has been arrested for entering into my house, my office, my car, my wife's car, my mistresses' home, and the office supply store where I purchased the things I pelted that fucking douchebag with. Miss Quintanilla is a pudgy, lonely waste of femininity who probably hasn't gotten laid this decade.

Now I know the things I just said about this reporter are pretty incendiary, and yes, I know there is no police record in the state of Utah for Julia Quintanilla, but let's face facts. I am Hunter Red. I am rich, famous, and lots of women want to fuck me. Who are you going to believe?

Now, if you'll accuse me, I have to go fucking mace this fucking douchebag. I fucking love fucking medieval armaments.

Dead Rising 2: Sounds of the Familiar?

Monday, Capcom officially announced a sequel to their popular 2006 release Dead Rising, entitled "Dead Rising 2". The following is said about the plot of the upcoming game:

"Dead Rising 2 will take place several years after the events of Dead Rising; the virus outbreak that created the zombies was not contained and has spread across the United States. The player will have to fight zombies in "Fortune City", a gambling paradise inspired by Las Vegas."

Does this sound familiar to anyone else?

Land of the Dead

After the release of the original Dead Rising, there were rumors, accusations, even a lawsuit, saying that Dead Rising was a blatant theft of George Romero's classic zombie film Dawn of the Dead. Now a sequel to Dead Rising has been made, and the plot of the game seems to be similar to a sequel to Dawn of the Dead, specifically Land of the Dead. Look at the plot description of that movie:

"Land of the Dead deals with the fictional zombie assault on Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, where a feudal like government exists. The survivors in the film have fled to the city. The city is protected on three sides by a large river and on the other by an electric barricade. Like Day of the Dead, Land of the Dead plays on the theme that humanity is a greater danger to itself than any outside threat. The film ends with the zombies destroying the class system created by Kaufman by killing most of the city's elite ranks, leading to a more democratic government."

Yes, the rumored plot of Dead Rising 2 is not the same as Land of the Dead, but it is similar, much the same way that the plot of Dead Rising is similar to Dawn of the Dead. I'm not saying Capcom is ripping off George Romero's work, I just think they are opening themselves up to another possible lawsuit. Also, I saw this coming.

I'm on the Intertubes (I'm on a boat parody)

Aww shit, get your mouses ready it's about to go down (trolls, yeah)
Everybody in the place hit the fucking home page (trolls, yeah)
But stay on your motherfucking toes
We running this, let's go

I'm on the intertubes (I'm on the intertubes)
I'm on the intertubes (I'm on the intertubes)
Everybody look at me 'cause I'm surfin’ on the net (surfin’ on the net)
I'm on the intertubes (I'm on the intertubes)
I'm on the intertubes
Take a good hard look at my mutherfucking website! (fuck, yeah)

I'm on the intertubes motherfucker take a look at me
Straight flowing on a laptop on the big fucking pipe
Busting high speed, gently massaging my pubes
You can't stop me motherfucker cause I'm on the intertubes

Take a picture, troll (toll)
I'm on the intertubes, bitch (bitch)
We ain’t using DSL champ,
Cause it's so lame (sucka)
I got my firewall
And my Spybot
I'm flipping MP3’s, you at Tower Records
Buying CD like a sucka

I'm using Firefox, using add on and shit
The Firefox’s kicking ass, getting the real internet
But this ain't IE, this is real as it gets
I'm on the intertubes, motherfucker, don't you ever forget

I'm on the intertubes and
It's going fast and
I got a net themed
poster adorning my wall
I'm the one
Kicking machines like Neo
If you're reading books,
then you're sure not me-oh

Get the fuck up, this net is REAL!!!

Fuck people, I'm on the intertubes, motherfucker (motherfucker)
Fuck real friends, I got friends on Facebook, motherfucker (motherfucker)
I'm on the net with my whores, motherfucker (yeah)
This laptop fan make noise, motherfucker

Hey ma, if you could see me now (see me now)
Arms down low, on the keyboard bumps (keyboard bumps)
Gonna make millions with my blog somehow (blog somehow)
Like Steve Wozniak, anything is possible

Yeah, never thought I'd be available worldwide
It's a lot of ones and zeroes (yeah)
Blackwolf
Look at me, oh (p0wn those n00bs)

Never thought I'd see the day
When a big pipe coming my way
Believe me when I say
I fucked a girl today

I'm on the intertubes
I'm on the intertubes
Everybody look at me 'cause I'm surfin’ on the net (woaah)
I'm on the intertubes
I'm on the intertubes
Take a good hard look at the Cable internet bitch! (tro-tro-trolls, trolls, yeah)

The Haircut Joke

I've been spending the past couple of weeks writing my book, including a hard push this past week. As a result, I did not written anything gaming related this past week. So, I'm posting this joke I wrote a couple of years ago. Enjoy!

So, I went to get a haircut one day. I went to the same place I had gone to for years, with the same stylist I had for years, same everything. So I go in, she sits me down, puts the cape on me and goes to work. We engage in small talk for a while, nothing too significant, same normal stuff. Then I noticed something. The woman who was cutting my hair had her crotch on my arm.

This was weird. This had never really happened to me before, and certainly not with this stylist. I didn't know how to react to it, so I just did nothing, thinking that this situation was temporary. However this situation with this woman's crotch being on my arm persisted. Not only did it persist, it got worse. As this woman was working, she was moving back and forth, up and down, in and out, all this movement was reflected in her crotch. It was like groping in reverse.

Now being the fine, upstanding, chaste individual I am, I was not excited by this situation. I swear. Instead I wanted this situation to end. Now at this time my arms were on the outer edges of the armrests of the chair I was sitting in. So I decided to move my arms from the outside edges to the center. I didn't tell her I was going to do this, I didn't inform her of the situation, I just decided to do it. However, when I moved my arms in, the stylist moved her crotch in.

When this happened I thought that something was up. After all, how could this woman not know that her crotch was on my arm? However, if something was up, the stylist wasn't reflecting it. The stylist kept on making small talk, cutting hair, and reverse groping my arm. Now, I didn't want to make a big deal of this. It would be embarrassing for her, embarrassing for me, and embarrassing for anyone else involved.

So, I decided to move my arm again. I decided to move my arm from the middle of the armrest pad to the inside edge of the pad. Again, I made no mention of it, I just did it, and, just like before, I moved my arm in and she moved her crotch in.

So now I know something is up, and now this situation is annoying me. However, I didn't want to make a deal of it. I've been getting my haircut from this woman for years and this is the first time I had been displeased in any way. I've had a longer relationship with this woman than I had my girlfriend, and I didn't want to blow it.

So I decided to make the final move I could make. I decided to take my arm off the pad entirely and put them straight down. Again, I make no mention of my intentions, I just did it. Now this situation was resolved. Finally the stylist's crotch was no longer on my arm. Instead, now it was on my shoulder.

Now the situation was infuriating. The situation had persisted despite my actions to rectify it. Now it was time. The time had come to embarrass my long time stylist and make a big deal of this situation.

So I pulled away from the stylist's scissors, turned my head to her and said, "Mom, if you could keep your crotch to yourself, I'd appreciate that very much."

THE END

RED RAGE!!!

Game Biz in for a Fight Over Jack Thompson's Utah Legislation

Now do you people see why I fucking hate living here? The Utah State Legislature is full of unhinged, ultra-conservative, bigots, racists, homophobic, morons who don't give a fuck about anyone but themselves and their own self interest. It's not just video games that they propose bullshit legislation about, they want to fiddle with the alcohol laws in a way that is blatantly unconstitutional! I NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE!

Skate 2 Review

When I was a kid, I was a short, gooffy looking, glasses wearing, red headed, dork. Needless to say, elementary school was not fun. I would get picked on, shoved around, made fun of, and receive other forms of school yard torture on a daily basis. When I ascended from elementary school to junior high, I thought this would end. I was wrong.

In my junior high, there were many various cliques, none of which I belonged to. One of these cliques was "The Skaters". The Skaters called themselves that because if they said what they really were, that would arouse the suspicion of the school police. What this group really were was a group of Straightedgers who happen to skate.

In other parts of the county, Straightedgers are calm, peaceful people who live an ultra clean lifestyle. In Utah, Straightedgers are a violent, militant street gang who live an ultra clean lifestyle. Straightedgers in Utah are usually members of the LDS Church, Mormons, who have a problem with anyone who doesn't follow the teaching of the LDS Church. Usually these problems end in violent assaults that the SLCPD typically ignores.

The Skaters in my school were Straightedgers. The Skaters were aware of my presence. I was a coffee drinking, heavy metal listening, atheist. The Skaters fucked me up often. As a result, I have a long standing grudge against Skaters and Straightedgers. When CM Punk lost the World Heavyweight Title, I cheered loudly. I watch the X Games to see epic brutal crashes. I hate Labrador Retrievers. That has nothing to do with anything, I just wanted to say it.

The other day, I recieved Skate 2 via Gamefly. I spent all of that day setting up my avatar to fall, and fall hard. It was AWESOME! Skate 2 is the most fun game I've played this year. Not the best, the most fun.

Skate 2: B-