Red "Apologizes"
I have been asked, once again, to apologize for my verbal and physical assault of Redertainment Corporation of America intern Spencer Pratt. At first I refused, I still contend that the little shit deserved it. Then I was threatened to be removed from my office, to which I replied, "So what? I can do this shit sitting in a coffee house, while riding on the train, or while naked in my house." Guess which one I'd prefer. Then they threatened to take away my stock options. This is what motivated my statement today because I was planning, someday, to cash in my RCOA stock and buy a bottle of Coke. So here it goes.
If anyone was offended by my wholly justified actions against that fucking douchebag, I sincerely apologize. Also, if you were offended, you are a wholly corrupt person whose opinion has no value in civilized society. Smooches!
Sonic and the Black Knight Comments
Among the things set to be released by Sega and Sonic Team is Sonic and the Black Knight, set for a March 3rd release date.
When asked for a comment about this game, Sonic Team head Yojiro Ogawa said, "Tis but a scratch."
When asked for a comment about this game, John Cleese said, "Get off my fucking porch."
Demon Spawn Confirmed for November 2009
Recently, Jack Thompson had been infuriating gamers, inlcuding me, by getting together with the Utah Eagle Forum to craft Utah's HB 353. a question had been lingering in my mind as to why Jack Thompson would do this. Yes, he's an ardent video game critic. Yes, he's been pushing for legislation across the country, but why Utah? The answer to that question has finally been revealed. Gayle Ruzika, President of the Utah Eagle Forum, is pregnant with Jack Thompson's love child.
When rumors of this first surfaced, Miss Ruzika denied it completely, saying, "Sex outside of marriage is evil. Are you saying I'm evil?" However, on Friday, exclusively to this reporter, Miss Ruzika confirmed that she is pregnant with Mr. Thompson's child. She then went into explicit detail about the night of conception, information I was in no way eager to know.
When asked about his pending little bundle of joy, Mr. Thompson said, "I look forward to the monumental impact it will have on the world." When informed that I was calling about the child and not HB 353, Mr. Thompson said, "Yes, I fucked Gayle Ruzika. And ya know what, she;s got a great set of-", at that point I hung up the phone.
One of the groups who works in concert with the Utah Eagle Forum is the Sutherland Institute. Bill Duncan, director of the Sutherland Institute, said of Gayle's pregnancy, "This is truly a blessing. We look forward to the great success this straight couple is sure to have. Now, if they were gay, we'd be working to make their life a living hell. After all, as the Lord said, "Let the person among you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone", and we're normal, so cast away!"
The child, expected to be named either Alma or Damien, has an expected release date of November 20th 2009.
Onechanbarra (360) Review
Like many other sports fans, I received the 2009 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue in the mail not to long ago. An entire magazine filled with bikini clad super models delivered in a way that is in no way pornographic. Well, maybe the members of the Utah Eagle Forum think it's pornographic, but I could give a rat's ass what they think.
On the cover, in addition to Bar Refaeli, was Danica Patrick. I assumed, since she was on the cover, that there would be another pictorial featuring the IRL superstar, similar to the one they did last year. Guess how many pictures there are in the 2009 SI Swimsuit Issue? Two.
Two. Two? TWO! Are you kidding me, TWO!!!
What a fucking disappointment. You have access to this athlete who is admired as much for her gifts in front of the camera as she is for her gifts on the track, and you run only two pics? Not only that, but with a pictorial so small, you choose to advertise it on the cover? Are you kidding me? What a disappointment.
Not long after receiving the 2009 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue, I started playing Onechanbara: Bikini Samurai Squad for the Xbox 360. This game was also a disappointment. It didn't illicit the same kind of rage response the Danica Patrick "pictorial" did, but was disappointing nonetheless.
Onechanbara: Bikini Samurai Squad: C-
L4D Mod Encourages Rebellion
Valve's Left 4 Dead has emerged as a multiplayer hit on the PC and Xbox 360. Like many PC games, mods have been made that reflect creativity, stupidity, and randomness of the people who play this game. One of these mods caught my attention. The mod is called "Rebel Against Conservatism".
In Left 4 Dead you play as a ragtag team of people tying to survive the zombie apocalypse. In the Rebel Against Conservatism mod, teams of non-conformists try to extricate themselves from their homes after the Christian Right violently takes over Salt Lake City, Utah. In Left 4 Dead you try to evade an endless supply of zombies who want to kill you and eat your brains. Some concept in Rebel Against Conservatism.
Included in this mod are eight new characters, four each for the rebels and the conservatives. Here are their descriptions:
Rebels-
Derrick- Derrick is a natural born leader who is more than willing to motivate you by kicking you in the ass. as a young black man, the conservatives are eager to bring Derrick down, but with natural talents and man made weaponry at his disposal, he is more than ready to repel them.
Celeste-As a young white woman, Celeste might seem to be shocking target of conservative attacks. However once you factor in that she's a vegetarian who listens to hippie music, you can see why the conservatives want to knock her down a peg. Years on the internet has given Celeste the skills to repel the pasty single minded creeps that populate the conservative horde.
Jason-One of the tenants of the conservative movement is abstinence. Abstaining from beer, sex, and anything fun. Jeff is an expert in the field of alcohol, plays video games, and has a young daughter. The Christian Right is eager to strike down somebody who blatantly spits in the face of one of its tenants. Jason has two things to defend himself with: A beer keg that would make Soundgarden jealous, and a mighty impressive piece of artillery, or at least that's what she said.
Hunter-Hunter is a short red headed asshole. That's the best way to describe him. As the conservatives are full of assholes, why is Hunter a rebel? One: Hunter doesn't like it when anyone tells him what to do. Two: As a postal employee, Hunter has access to a lot of artillery and, from an early age, learned the value of sharing.
Conservatives-
Dick-Dick is a guy who lives up to his name. Dick is an evil genius who reacts in a rage when things don't go exactly his way. Despite looking old and feeble, Dick has the ability to tear your ass apart when motivated in any way.
Buttars- Buttars contributes nothing positive to this world. All he does is see something that is foreign to him and then seeks to destroy it. Despite limited physical skills and lack of a brain, Buttars is a surprisingly successful character. Messing with this guy, more often than not, ends up in the death of you.
Graham-Graham is a lemming. No matter the situation or the odds against him, Graham will follow his leaders implicitly, even if the destination is the bottom of a ravine. Graham is not the strongest character, but every enemy horde needs a mass of individuals willing to give up their individuality.
Rush-Rush may not look like much of a threat, that is, until you evoke his rage. Doing so will cause Rush to spew his endless supply of hot air. This hot air serves as a draw for the perpetually, and unbelievably, multiplying horde of zombies at his call. If you are hit with Rush's hot air, be prepared for an epic fight.
Playing this Left 4 Dead mod is not only a fun thing to do with friends, but also a healthy way to excise your hatred for the Conservative Right. I look forward to playing this until the point when the Utah State Legislature decides this is evil and seek to shut it down. Then I will play it more.
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