Hunter And Robin And A Beer Keg

Character Bio
Hunter Red, pictured left, is a nominally successful satirist, writer, and potential lunch winner living in Salt Lake City, Utah.  Mr. Red is a recovering alcoholic, although his recovery has been less than successful since he has stopped going to his prescribed therapy sessions, and has begun drinking again.  Hunter is has a mostly negative viewpoint of the world, is distrustful of all humans, and thoroughly enjoys cheesecake.

Robin Anderson, pictured left, is Hunter Red's most recent ex-girlfriend.  Hunter's relationship with Robin was complicated by the fact that she is not real.  Robin is a product of an alcohol fueled hallucination.  This was a hallucination that Hunter like to experience, due to Miss Anderson being the only real serious girlfriend Mr. Red has ever had.  Robin is intelligent, strong willed, and has a razor sharp wit.

Hunter Red And Robin And A Beer Keg
Hunter Red pulls up to his condo in Ruby, his big fucking SUV.  He pulls into his garage backward and quickly closes the garage door.  Out of the back of Ruby, Hunter pulls out a beer keg.  Hunter places the beer keg in an open spot on the floor of his garage, then begins to speak as if someone is listening.  No one is currently present in the garage as Hunter begins to speak.

Hunter Red-  Yes, here now, the light of the party on college campuses across the nation, your standard beer keg.  Sure, kegs are illegal here in the state of Utah, but the fuck I care.  Alcohol laws are made by old, fat, white, bigots who only want to control the population and line their pockets with gold.  Also, they are fat.
Hunter Red walks over to the toolchest he keeps in his garage, digs around for a little bit, then finds what he was looking for, the tap for a beer keg.  Hunter walks over, taps the keg, hooks up the nozzle to it, then says-

Hunter Red-  Well, let's begin.
The camera pans over to a clock on the wall of Hunter's garage.  In typical television fashion, the hands on the clock start to move quickly untill three hours and seventeen minutes have gone by.  After the timeshift, the camera pans back over to Hunter.  Mr. Red is sitting on the floor of his garage, next to the beer keg, with the nozzle in his mouth.  It is clear from the visual cues that Hunter has been spending the past three hours and seventeen minutes drinking directly from the beer keg.  Hunter removes the nozzle from his mouth and says-

Hunter Red-  Yeah!  Take that polimaticians.  I just drank beer from a beer keg that was full of beer from a beer keg because it was a keg that had beer in it because it was a beer keg.  (Loud belch)  Ha ha ha!  YEAH!!!
The camera pans away from Hunter to a door in the garage leading into the house.  The door is open and the room is brightly lit.  Through the door the sound of a pair of high heels can be heard clacking on a hard wood floor, making their way closer and closer to the door, the sound of which echoes throughout the entire house.  A figure walks into the door frame, a beautiful figure wearing high heels silhouetted by the intense light coming from the other room.  The camera follows the legs of the person, particularly the heels, clacking with every step, as the figure walks through the door frame, across the garage, over to where Hunter is sitting.  Hunter looks up at the figure, bleary-eyed and obviously drunk.

Hunter Red-  Hi.  I haven't seen you in a while.  You look voluminnomnoninous.

The camera shot changes to reveal who it is that Hunter is talking to.  The figure is Robin Anderson.  Robin looks down at Hunter with disappointment in her eyes.

Robin Anderson-  So, let me get this straight: You drove all the way up to Evanston, risked getting caught and prosecuted, just so you could get a giant container of beer.

There is an unapologetic tone to Hunter's face when he says-

Hunter Red-  Yep.
Robin Anderson-  Did you save any for me.

Hunter holds up the nozzle connected to the beer keg and presses the button on it.  A small stream of mostly beer foam trickles out of the nozzle.

Hunter Red-  Nope.

Robin maintains her disappointed look as she sit down next to Hunter on the floor of the garage.

Robin Anderson-  You don't look good.
Hunter Red-  Did I ever?
Robin Anderson-  Yes, you did.  You looked quite good when I was with you.
Hunter Red-  Not nearly as good as you look.
Robin Anderson-  Well, that goes without saying.  How have you been?
Hunter Red-  How have you been?
Robin Anderson-  Are you imitating me?
Hunter Red-  No.
Robin Anderson-  Are you sure, because you know how I've been.
Hunter Red-  No I don't.
Robin Anderson-  I'm an alcohol fueled hallucination.
Hunter Red-  That doesn't answer my question.
Robin Anderson-  I feel good, or bad.  I'm not sure.  Not being real kind of makes you question how you feel about things.
Hunter Red-  What do you mean not being real?

Hunter puts his hand on Robin's thigh.

Hunter Red-  You sure do feel real.
Robin Anderson-  Of course I feel real, this is your hallucination.
Hunter Red-  Yeah, but even when I wasn't drunk and somehow remembering hallucinating you, you felt real.
Robin Anderson-  Of course you thought my body felt real.
Hunter Red-  No, I mean the connection we had.  The way you would talk with me, laugh with me, converse with me, criticize me, all of the parts of a fully functioning relationship, it felt real.
Robin Anderson-  But it wasn't.
Hunter Red-  Yeah.

A look of incredible sadness comes over the face of Hunter.  Robin looks at Hunter and says-

Robin Anderson-  Hunter, you need to move on.
Hunter Red-  No.
Robin Anderson-  Hunter, you need to move on.
Hunter Red-  No.
Robin Anderson-  Hunter, you need to-
Hunter Red-(Angrily)  I heard you, I just don't want to.
Robin Anderson-  Why not?

Hunter tries to stand up, but fails, falling hard on the concrete floor he was just sitting on.

Robin Anderson-  I think you need help.

Hunter tries to stand up again, with the same result as he had the first time.

Robin Anderson-  I think you need help.

Hunter tries to stand up again, this time falling forward, landing hard on his shoulder and laying on his back on the cold concrete floor.  Robin stands up, looks over Hunter with a kind of caring look in her eyes.

Robin Anderson-  Hunter, you need help.  Hunter, you need to move on.  You need to clean yourself up, for real this time.  You need to do this, because you can't just spend your life obsessing over things that never were.  You need to start dealing with things that actually are.  This world is a wonderful place, and while I am not in it, many other things and people are.  Hunter.  Hunter, can you hear me?

Hunter is laying on his back on the cold concrete floor asleep.  Robin eyes are again filled with disappointment.

Robin Anderson-  (Sigh)  I hope somewhere in his deep subconscious he heard me.

Robin Anderson walks across the garage floor, back through the door frame, and closes it behind her.


In our most desperate hours, we often grasp on to one another.  For strength.  For stability.  For someone.  Someone so that in our hour of desperation we do not face that desperation alone.

Volume 11 by Hunter Red.  Serialization starting Tuesday at

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