At this
time of year many writers reflect on the past year and the things that they
have done. I think this is stupid. Looking backward results in you having a
skewed perspective on what you have done.
Also you can run into shit.
Rather
than looking backward like someone who enjoys running into things, I choose to
look forward to what will be. This is
the Best Of 2013!!!
And yes,
I've done something like this before and this is a recycled bit. Shut up!
January
20th, 2013- Bioshock Infinite is
delayed. Again. No real reason is given for this, at least
not one anyone actually believes or understands. However, we are given more pictures of that
hot Russian model chick. They are
awesome.
February
10th 2013- Pepsico announces a new
flavour of Mountain Dew to be released to coincide with Grand Theft Auto
V. The drink is called Guava Taurine Apple
Vanilla Mountain Dew. This concoction
sells 100 Million units.
March 10
2013- On the night of their Lockdown PPV
event, Total Non-Stop Action Wrestling announces a new video game based on
their wrestling product is in development.
The game is entitled TNA Wrestling: Cross The Line. Later on it is revealed the game is an iPhone
App where you colour in photos taken from TNA live events. In the game you are encouraged to "Cross
The Line" by colouring outside the lines.
April
21st 2013- Metal Gear Solid 5: Loss
Leader is announced. MGS5:LL becomes the
seventh Metal Gear title to be in development.
Later on these seven games are revealed to not actually be in
development. In reality, all "In
Development" Metal Gear titles are a result of ideas Hideo Kojima had
while high on cough syrup.
May 5th
2013- Nintendo announces a new sku for
the Wii U. The announcement of the Wii
U: Master Edition will promise such features as support for Gamecube games,
iTunes Airplay integration, inclusion of Google Maps, and a program that allows
you to pay your bills and balance your checkbook. Upon release of the Wii U: Master Edition,
none of the promised features will be included, but have a tentative release
date of April 31st, 2014.
June 9th
2013- Bioshock Infinite is delayed. Again.
People start comparing Bioshock Infinite to Gran Turismo 5. Other people make comparisons to Chinese
Democracy. Most people don't get either
reference. Tear.
July 7th
2013- Electronic Arts buys the WWE
license from THQ. EA immediately starts
development on a followup to WCW Backstage Assault.
August
15th 2013- The serialization of Volume
11 by Hunter Red ends. No one cares.
September
29th 2013- Codemasters releases a new
Rallycar racing game. No one in America
cares.
October
27th 2013- Hunter Red announces his
retirement from satire. The
Redertainment Corporation Of America announces a replacement writer for redertainment.com. The replacement is identified as Parker
Taupe.
November
3rd 2013- Hunter Red announces his
previous announcement about retiring from satire was itself satire. Mr. Red makes this announcement after
realizing nobody cared about his previous announcement.
December
1st 2013- Bioshock Infinite is released. Sorta.
The initial release of Bioshock Infinite includes the first third of the
game. The other two-thirds of Bioshock
Infinite is delayed untill a future date.
Full release of Bioshock Infinite is estimated to occur on April 31st,
2014.
Remember,
voting is now open for The Fifth Annual The Four Star Awards. The Fifth Annual The Four Star Awards are
scheduled to be unveiled on February 3rd.
A brisk
wind whips around the roof of the high rise I find myself on, adding coldness
to a dark day, a dark day the mid-afternoon sun is powerless to make
lighter. The rooftop is cold and dark
but the offices of the charity housed in this building are darker.
Volume 11
by Hunter Red. Buy it on Amazon or
don't.
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