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Best Of 2013
At this time of year many writers reflect on the past year and the things that they have done. I think this is stupid. Looking backward results in you having a skewed perspective on what you have done. Also you can run into shit.
Rather than looking backward like someone who enjoys running into things, I choose to look forward to what will be. This is the Best Of 2013!!!
And yes, I've done something like this before and this is a recycled bit. Shut up!
January 20th, 2013- Bioshock Infinite is delayed. Again. No real reason is given for this, at least not one anyone actually believes or understands. However, we are given more pictures of that hot Russian model chick. They are awesome.
February 10th 2013- Pepsico announces a new flavour of Mountain Dew to be released to coincide with Grand Theft Auto V. The drink is called Guava Taurine Apple Vanilla Mountain Dew. This concoction sells 100 Million units.
March 10 2013- On the night of their Lockdown PPV event, Total Non-Stop Action Wrestling announces a new video game based on their wrestling product is in development. The game is entitled TNA Wrestling: Cross The Line. Later on it is revealed the game is an iPhone App where you colour in photos taken from TNA live events. In the game you are encouraged to "Cross The Line" by colouring outside the lines.
April 21st 2013- Metal Gear Solid 5: Loss Leader is announced. MGS5:LL becomes the seventh Metal Gear title to be in development. Later on these seven games are revealed to not actually be in development. In reality, all "In Development" Metal Gear titles are a result of ideas Hideo Kojima had while high on cough syrup.
May 5th 2013- Nintendo announces a new sku for the Wii U. The announcement of the Wii U: Master Edition will promise such features as support for Gamecube games, iTunes Airplay integration, inclusion of Google Maps, and a program that allows you to pay your bills and balance your checkbook. Upon release of the Wii U: Master Edition, none of the promised features will be included, but have a tentative release date of April 31st, 2014.
June 9th 2013- Bioshock Infinite is delayed. Again. People start comparing Bioshock Infinite to Gran Turismo 5. Other people make comparisons to Chinese Democracy. Most people don't get either reference. Tear.
July 7th 2013- Electronic Arts buys the WWE license from THQ. EA immediately starts development on a followup to WCW Backstage Assault.
August 15th 2013- The serialization of Volume 11 by Hunter Red ends. No one cares.
September 29th 2013- Codemasters releases a new Rallycar racing game. No one in America cares.
October 27th 2013- Hunter Red announces his retirement from satire. The Redertainment Corporation Of America announces a replacement writer for redertainment.com. The replacement is identified as Parker Taupe.
November 3rd 2013- Hunter Red announces his previous announcement about retiring from satire was itself satire. Mr. Red makes this announcement after realizing nobody cared about his previous announcement.
December 1st 2013- Bioshock Infinite is released. Sorta. The initial release of Bioshock Infinite includes the first third of the game. The other two-thirds of Bioshock Infinite is delayed untill a future date. Full release of Bioshock Infinite is estimated to occur on April 31st, 2014.
Remember, voting is now open for The Fifth Annual The Four Star Awards. The Fifth Annual The Four Star Awards are scheduled to be unveiled on February 3rd.
A brisk wind whips around the roof of the high rise I find myself on, adding coldness to a dark day, a dark day the mid-afternoon sun is powerless to make lighter. The rooftop is cold and dark but the offices of the charity housed in this building are darker.
Volume 11 by Hunter Red. Buy it on Amazon or don't.