List Of Things I Won't Do

I love it when people give me a list of things to do.  It makes it so much easier to ignore people when I can do it for reasons.  So, I was overjoyed when I saw a post by Jezebel contributor Tracy Moore.

Every Healthy Morning Habit You Should Adopt Right Now

Perfect!  Let's go down the list and see just how many of these things I won't be doing and why.

Wake up early.

This actually isn't unreasonable.  This may require me to change when my alarm clock goes off everyday by a couple of hours, but this can be done.

But get enough sleep.

I get off work at 11PM, and usually get to sleep by 1AM.  How am I supposed to get enough sleep and wake up early?  Frankly, I'd rather choose getting enough sleep over waking up early, that is unless sex is involved and, since I currently don't have a romantic partner, that isn't an option for me.

Smile!

No.

Go outside.

I do go outside.  I go outside everyday.  I mean my car is outside, so I kind of have to go outside to get in my car.

Drink water. 16 ounces of water.

Should I do this before or after I take a shower?  Or during?  Hey, that's not a bad idea.  Drinking water while I shower would cut down on the amount of water that wastefully goes down the drain.  It may be a little bit, but every little bit helps!

Drink warm water with lemon in it.

Okay.  How do I arrange this?  Also, would that count as cannibalism?

Drink warm lemon and cayenne pepper water first thing in the morning.

Cayenne Pepper sound like the name of a porn star.  How am I supposed to drink water with a character from a comedy in it AND a porn star in it?  Perhaps that's something I can get at Whole Foods.

Drink green tea.

Water and green tea?  Can you just choose one?

Drink coffee.

Water, green tea, and coffee?  Can you just choose one?  Also, if I undertake this advice, how am I supposed to avoid having to urinate multiple times in the hour after I wake up?

Eat before morning workout.

Wait, there's something implied here that might be a problem.

Just eat fruit.

Then I'd have to buy some fruit.

Eat healthy things.

Should I eat healthy things before or after my morning Heineken?

Just make sure it's actually healthy.

I'm thinking Tracy Moore probably wouldn't approve of my morning Heineken.

Eat within an hour of waking.

This isn't unreasonable, but would require me to eat right after getting out of the shower.  If I do that, when am I supposed to watch SportsCenter?

Go outside and look at the morning sky.

Again with the outside thing.

Meditate.

No, it's spelled mediate.

Stretch.

Can I do this while I'm drinking my coffee, green tea, and my Liz Lemon/Cayenne Pepper water?  If not, I might run out of morning to do all these things that are supposed to be a part of my morning routine.

Flex and point your feet for 15 to 30 seconds.

Again, is multitasking an option with this?

Move your body.

Isn't that kind of a given when you wake up?  I mean I'm not a quadriplegic and I'm not Mr. Show level of lazy, so moving my body when I wake up is a part of waking up.

Go for a morning walk.

Should I get dressed first?  That's hasn't been included in this list yet, and I really don't want to walk naked in front of the elementary school that's just up the street from me.

Shower.

Okay, that's done.  What else?

"Slather your body in lotion SLOWLY."

You seem to be really specific about this slowly thing.  Is somebody watching while I do this?

Dry-brush your skin.

I don't know what this means.

Do some journaling.

Does blogging count?  What do you mean no?

Visualize.

Can you be specific?

Map your day.

No.  Outside of work, I don't like to clutter my days with doing specific things at specific times.  That way people won't get upset when then hit me up at the last minute to do things for them and I have to tell them that I have plans.  Sure this seems like more their problem than mine, but I don't control them.  I am only in control of me and the way that I do things and react to things.

Eat that frog.

Again, I do not currently have a romantic partner, so this might not be an option for me.

Ask yourself "morning power questions."  Such as:  

What do I have to look forward to today?  

What's absolutely perfect about my life?  

How can I make today absolutely awesome?  

What's the best thing that could happen today?  

What am I grateful for?

The answer to all of these questions is Heineken.

Listen to music or something uplifting.

Okay.  Done.

Do all 12 of these things within ONE HOUR or else:  

Say 10 morning affirmations (quick!)  

Hydrate your body  

Brush your teeth (and tongue)

Stretch

Meditate (different from affirmations)

Warm up your voice

Make a fresh green juice

Eat something light (air?)

Read something stimulating

Review your goals for the day

Drink loose leaf tea

Set an intention for the day

Many of these have been covered already, specifically stretching, drinking tea, and hydrating.  Am I supposed to do them again?  I'd rather not be redundant in my morning routine.

Get dressed.

Again, is this before or after I take my morning walk?

Don't forget your beauty routine.

Okay.  That basically consists of shampooing and conditioning my hair, then brushing it straight back.  Should I be doing more?

All of these things that are prescribed for me would seem to take up a lot of time.  Is this a way to tell me that I should not spend as much time as I do watching TV and playing video games?  If so, that's quite a sneaky way to do it.  I think I'd rather just listen to Pure Morning on a loop, but thank you Tracy Moore for the suggestions that I am going to ignore.